Helping A Loved One Understand

[cjf2010]

I am having a small dilemma and was hoping someone on this forum could help me. My boyfriend and I are very close in a lot of ways. We have been together 2 years and I have never had a panic attack around him until last night.

He doesn't understand panic or PTSD at all. Fortunately, he has never had to deal with abuse and neither has anyone in his family. So all of this is very foreign to him. He doesn't understand about triggers being set off or the physiological affects this has on me. The key reason I need him to understand is that he is unintentionally setting certain triggers off. For me they are new triggers and I haven't quite figured out why it is affecting me that way yet.

He assumes that I sit and dwell on the negative and that's what sets my trigger off. I've tried explaining to him that I don't dwell on it and that a word, smell, sight, sound, or situation can be the trigger. It really isn't him personally that I have a problem with---that it's the situation I'm in. He puts me in this situation not realizing how it affects me personally. I don't know how to explain to him that although he sees nothing threatening about it, for that first brief instance I do. Then regardless of what my mind realizes after that point, it's already to late. The adrenalin has already been released, my heart rate has gone up, my muscles have already started to tense and I've become somewhat hypervigilant. No matter how innocent it seems to someone else, this is the affect it has on ME!!! I HAVE PTSD!!! I don't want it but I have no other choice to deal with it and try not to have triggers go off.

I've started school and have been handling the stress levels well there. I also have most of my boundaries set with my family(who also endured a lot of their own trauma), so things have been going really well with my healing lately. This is one of the few areas I have to get on track. By the way, I also want to let everyone know that I have no agressive behavior. I am basically a very passive person trying to become a bit more assertive for my own well being. So if anyone knows of any articles or can give me their point of view on how to get him to understand that I don't sit and cause the attacks and I don't have any control over what sets off a trigger I would greatly appreciate it.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Have a look at the articles available on this forum, links are on the "Home" page.

Also look at getting professional therapy for your anxiety, when it develops into Panic attacks its really time. I know how terrible the panic attacks feel. You can beat it, I did :)

 

[sisu]

Is he open to reading and learning more about PTSD and how it effects you? If so, there is "The Post Tramatic Stress Relationship" book....its a great resource. It sounds like you have done an amazing job at managing your life with PTSD, so its important for him to understand and be on board too. I am sure it is hard for him and his family if they come from a background with no abuse or issues like that. But I wouldn't worry so much about his family right now, they will come on board when he does about all of this. I would just try to get your boyfriend on the same page. Do you still see a therapist? If so, maybe he could come to one of your appointments. Or...there are supporter groups where he could learn and understand more about PTSD. Or maybe he could join this forum and learn a ton. And keep trying to tell him and explain to him what you are feeling when something triggers you. PTSD is a big thing to wrap your head around as a supporter when you don't have any personal experience with it. He will come around. :tup:

Take care,
Sisu

 

[cjf2010]

I've been having panic attacks since 1998, I had mine basically under control. Last night was the first one my boyfriend has seen since I've been with him(2 years now). Trying to explain PTSD and it's symptoms and how it works got very frustrating. He seems to think that I concentrate on the negative and that I have control over what triggers the anxiety and panic attacks. I tried to explain that I don't have any control over what can trigger it. I need a layman's description so that he can understand it all, I know why certain things bother me but he can't even begin to get a grasp on it. He has never been around any kind of abuse or anyone who has been abused.

 

[cjf2010]

Yes, he was reading a few of the articles on here last night. That is what started the discussion that got so frustrating for me. I am really trying to get him to understand that I would rather not have any triggers going off, but that in reality I have no control over what sets them off. If it makes me uncomfortable or distrustful to the point where I get anxious, then it's going to be a trigger for me. He thinks some of the things that trigger me are completely harmless. Which in some sense they are, but for me it's something quite different and it causes the adrenalin to get released and the rest is history from there. I usually talk myself out of a full-blown attack(they were severe when I had agoraphobia with them) but I don't like having any at all. That's my main goal in healing right now, NO MORE ANXIETY OR PANIC ATTACKS!!!
:unsure:

 

[Zef]

I took my wife to a session with my t (arranged it beforehand), just so she could understand from a professional point of view.

I would also have him learn about the physical aspects of anxiety/PTSD. How the brain changes physically for us. . .that is often times much easier for a non-sufferer to understand. It allows them to kinda see that by triggering you, it is much the same as if they were kicking someone with a broken leg in the shin.