Dom Violence Helpling a family member

[leslie82]

My mom is in an abusive relationship and has been for almost 30 years. Short story: She met her now husband when she was married to my dad. They had an affair that lasted about 12 years and my youngest brother is the result. We didn't know until my mom filed for divorce and a paternity test was done. My dad knew about it and tried to get the guy to go away. My mom did stop seeing him a couple times but he's highly manipulative and abusive.

Her relationship with him greatly affected our childhood as she was constantly gone to see him. There was a period of time several years ago where I didn't talk to her for like three years because she constantly chose him over us kids. I got tired of it. I did start talking to her and trying to repair the relationship about five years ago. It seems as if she realizes what she did to us was wrong and that she made a mistake with this guy.

He constantly gaslights her, emotionally and mentally abuses her. There hasn't been physical violence in a long time but who knows? I keep trying to get her to come visit me for a weekend to get her away from him and she wants to but anytime she comes to visit any of us kids or grandkids or anything he gives her crap when she gets home.

She's told me how he blames her because he hasn't met my brother's kids. My sister in law told him he can't see their kids unless he changes how he talks and acts. Well that's my mom's fault because she should have stood up for him. And it's her fault my grandpa allowed my father to still come to family things because she didn't stand up to him (her dad). He told her last week that she's a sociopath and he knows this because he was a counselor in the Navy (doubtful). He told her she's a bitch, slut, whore. He apparently talks crap about me and I have not talked to him in years.

I was in an abusive relationship but I was only married to him not quite a year and with him on and off for five. I finally woke up for good a few months ago. My brothers tell her to come visit. My brother does not like his bio dad. At all. He wishes she would leave.

This weekend she has off for Memorial Day and said she wants to come but he will give her crap when she gets home. I said who cares? I asked her why is it so hard to leave him but it was so easy to leave us kids? She didn't answer.

I know how hard it is to leave abuse but I shouldn't have to beg my mother to come see me. I told her I'll come get her if I have to. I'm trying to have a relationship with her while I can because someday she won't be around anymore. But I just don't know what to do if she doesn't come this weekend. I'm tempted to tell her that I love her but if she stays...I don't know. I just am tired of begging her. She asked what I wanted for my birthday this year. I said all I want is for you to come down for a weekend. That's it.

I'm just getting tired of hearing all this crap he spews at her and she doesn't do anything. She NEVER took crap from anyone else in her life. Only him. If my dad tried anything he did she would have told him off. I wish that woman would come back out with this guy.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that you are a very good daughter to your mom and I have a question, how old is your mom?

 

[leslie82]

I think that you are a very good daughter to your mom and I have a question, how old is your mom?

...[/QUOTE]
Like 62? Like I said she started this relationship when she was married to my dad and that was when I was like 5 because I was 6 when my brother was born. He's about 28 so at least 29 years she's been with this guy including their affair. They got married like probably 3 years after she moved out probably that's when the divorce was final. But none of us kids were there except the youngest (he was in high school).

She did answer me and said she's coming even if she has to rent a car. She hasn't told him yet she's coming but said she misses us and her grandkids. I just got worried because she wasn't responding and sometimes I get a feeling like he might get on her messages somehow. She works from home selling insurance. He retired a few years ago. But he's in bad health so hopefully he dies soon. That might sound harsh but no one will miss him. He has a daughter from his first marriage but he signed over his rights to her. Legally my dad is my brother's dad. He didn't change his name until he was 18 my brother. They couldn't do it unless they got a second DNA test I guess. But my brother is more like my dad than his sperm donor.

I really hope she comes. My other younger brother and his family are coming so she can see them too. I just want to have some time with her since I never got any mother daughter time as a kid. The only time I remember is two weeks before she moved out she came home (I was 18 and about to start college) and she said "You wanna go shopping?" I said why? She never asked me to do anything with her. She said I just want to spend time with you. So we went. Then she moved out like two weeks later...so that's why she did it probably. Then she would buy us anything we wanted or give us money if we asked after she left and we took advantage of it. Why not? And for a time I think we all felt karma got her for being trapped with him especially after my brother graduated. But at this point, I think she's paid for what she did to us kids and she doesn't deserve to be a prisoner. She seems to be trying to make up for her mistakes and the emotional abuse of us. For some reason he's hell bent on destroying her. I told her what more does he want? She left her kids, her family, her husband for him. She missed out on seeing her dad for years and he died in August and her mom died in 79 so she has neither of her parents. She doesn't go see her siblings. She should go see her sister at least. Live with her.

I just never understood why she left our dad for that pos. My dad isn't perfect but he never laid a hand on her and never would. He took care of her and us. Every time her car broke down, he fixed it and then she would take off to see moron. One time she got stuck in a snowstorm with my brother going to see this guy. My dad went and got her because moron wouldn't. He raised my brother knowing he wasn't biologically his deep down but he said he couldn't punish an innocent baby. I told my brother I don't care what DNA says that's not his father.

I really wish my one older brother and her would at least talk and try to work things out. It's been over a decade and he has his reasons as we all did. He said he is afraid to let her in again because he doesn't want to get hurt. They used to be really close - they are so much alike they won't admit. He wanted to give her a hug at our grandpa's funeral but he didn't. I told her she needs to reach out to him and I gave her his email I'm pretty sure. I guess when one of them is gone the other is going to regret not trying. That's why I forgave her I thought I was going to deploy (then didn't) and thought better get it cleared up just in case.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hope it all goes well for you and for your mother on this visit. I thought perhaps she was older than she is and was going to say that the older generation are stoics and stick it out even if there is abuse but she is still pretty young. I hope it all works out for the best.

 

[leslie82]

She came down - and didn't want to go back. I'm sure he gave her the riot act when she got back. My cousin is going to try to get her mom (my mom's sister) to call her and set up a visit. I sent her some links for dv so she has an outlet. I told her she needs to go see a therapist alone. He was a mental health counselor in the military I guess...I don't know how. He told her "I know what to say to them to make you look crazy" (to my mom). And I guess they were fighting and she said she hopes she dies before him and he said that she can't die unless he says so...um what? That's psychotic. He's got issues. Big time.

 

[leslie82]

I saw my mom this weekend at my brother's birthday party. She told me some more things that have happened. It just pisses me off and I really want to go and put this jerk in his place.

She told me that two months ago he threw a mug at her and pulled her by the hair. He is so lucky I have too much to lose by beating him to a pulp and risk jail. I had no idea about that. I doubt my youngest brother who lives near her did. I might talk to him. I know that her husband has not hit her in years and likely due to the fact my youngest brother is bigger than him now and lives a few blocks away.

He's still gaslighting her. I guess one time he asked why I (her daughter) don't look like her but look like my dad. "Daughters are supposed to look like their moms." This is the idiocy she lives with. I didn't get to choose which genes were stronger in me. My mom looks like her dad. I look more like my dad. My second oldest brother looks like mom. The oldest looks like dad. The youngest looks like mom and the other younger looks more like mom but has dad features too. That's how genetics works. Oh and he apparently "adores" my daughter. He's never met her and never will but he can see my mom's Facebook and see her pictures. That disgusts me he can even see her pictures.

I'm very tempted to send a letter I wrote him but I know it won't do anything but make him blame my mom but I want him to hear from ME how I feel and how he's wrong. He thinks that our dad brainwashed us against him and I brainwashed my sister in law to write the letter she wrote him and why he doesn't see their kids. I didn't know about the letter until months later. He blames everyone but himself.

Oh he's seeing a therapist at the VA and told the therapist about the letter my sister in law sent. She asked him if he talked to her about it and he said "hell no."

I keep asking my mom why won't she just leave. "I shouldn't have to leave my house." I said is the house worth the mental and emotional abuse? She works from home. She can leave him and still work anywhere. I told her go stay with her sister. She's been with this guy almost 30 years now. And 12 of that she was still married to my dad. I wish she would have just stopped seeing him after she found out she was pregnant with my brother. Never told him.