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Undiagnosed Hi, I Guess

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I'm really not exactly sure what I should or what I am going to put here. I'm 18, and I have severe anxiety. My mom, who works in the mental health field, believes that I have PTSD. I havent been diagnosed, but I'm also not (yet) in therapy because of financial issues. My anxiety is keeping me from getting a job; or rather keeping me from trying to. I had a really bad first interview experience (maybe ill type that in another post) but thats not what I'm really here for. I'll start by saying, I have no memory of my trauma. I knew about it when I was younger, because I had apparently told my mom, but I have no memory whatsoever. All I know is it was sexual abuse by my dad when I was 3 or 4 years old. I had told my mom at some point, and she got a divorce. I had gone to therapy, I was diagnosed with Selective Mutism. I didnt talk to anyone but my mom and grandmother. The hours in the therapists office was me sitting silently, not playing with dolls, not drawing. When we would leave, I would soon go back to happily talking to my mom. I dont have much memory of my early childhood, I have random memories of the summer program I went to when I was five. (I apologize for being so jumpy with topics, my mind is easily distracted.) The first time I started talking outside of my mom and grandma was in first grade. Very little, but still a huge difference. My teacher loved me and would call my mom in the middle of the day if I had spoken to another student. Slowly over the years my Selective Mutism got weaker, though at times I still shut down and cant talk. I had depression when I was 14 or 15, and started going to therapy for that (after I had stopped for a couple years.) Eventually I grew out out of that, and all that was left was anxiety. Or at least that's whats diagnosed.

I'll explain why my mom believes I have some PTSD. Simply put, most people who are having an anxiety attack show symptoms. Physically looking like theyre distressed, shaking, cant sit still, etc. When I'm having an anxiety attack, I completely "shut down". I look like I'm completely ignoring everything that anyone is saying, I look like I dont care and I just want them to be quiet. Thats not the case. Im fighting my throat to let me talk, trying to make my brain form words, trying to do anything in the first few minutes of that awful silence where they think that im MAD at them. My mind goes completely blank, the words that they say repeat over and over in my head, a deafening ringing in my ears, and by time I think I can almost talk, just to tell them no, im not mad at you, I stop myself because by then it had been five or ten minutes, and I feel like its too late. Sometimes i had been sitting for 30 minutes in the therapists office, all the questions she asked turning over in my head. I find ways to answer them, but my throat is too tight and I cant make myself focus.

I'm going to stop for now.

Some people say that being easily distracted is a good thing. Which at times, it is. But what about when you're talking about something important, or someone is trying to tell you about their problems, and you want to help; but the sounds around you forces itself into your brain, drowning out all your thoughts. What is it then, but a curse?
 
Everyone reacts to panic attacks & anxiety differently. It can manifest as rage, fight or flight responses, hyperventilation... as well as "shutting down" as you say you do. Reactions to panic attacks do not necessarily indicate PTSD.

However, childhood sexual abuse is a serious trauma & if you aren't receiving any professional help for it, the anxiety can spiral out of control. You may or may not have PTSD, but either way it's normal for you to have a difficult time after a trauma.
 
Welcome @BeachyTheOsprey ! :)

Whether you turn out to have PTSD or not, I think you could use people to talk to. I know how confusing and scary it can be when you're constantly terrified but have no idea why. I personally did remember my trauma(s), but didn't regard them as such. Reading in on this a LOT, and talking to people with similar experiences as well as experts can be very helpful.

Anyway, I hope you'll find what you need here. Feel free to send me a message any time you'd like to talk :)
 
@BeachyTheOsprey

Welcome and I hope you find this site and the support here helpful. It is always best to get a formal diagnosis as there are a lot of treatment/therapy options that really can help you to improve your life in the present.
 
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