I have been in the mental health system for 5 years now, so I have a descent understanding of where things started. But I'm kinda trainwrecking my life right now (it feels like it anyway) trying to "fix" myself. I have a bit of a tendency to run from relationships at the first sign of the other person's disappointment, so I'm kinda forcing myself to be alone? But typing things out where I can see what I'm saying helps me form thoughts, since my head generally has several different thought processes going at the same time and I jump between them really really fast, so my talking gets a little disjointed. Also, everyone being separated by the internet makes it less, unnerving to talk to people, so I figured this place would be a good place to try. Granted, I'm still clueless, so was that an "introduction?"
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- Post starter jimmy-joe
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cherryblossom
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Hey - jimmy- joe
Welcome to the forum.
An introduction, is pretty much what you've written. Perhaps a little more information regarding PTSD would be useful. We cater for both sufferers of PTSD and their supporters here. I'm guessing from your introduction that you are more likely to be a sufferer. But a little info about what brought you to PTSD forum would be good. Have you been diagnosed with PTSD? Or think you may have it?
I find writing things down, definitely clarifies my thoughts. This is also a safe and anonymous place to write about what's bothering you.
Regards
CB
Welcome to the forum.
An introduction, is pretty much what you've written. Perhaps a little more information regarding PTSD would be useful. We cater for both sufferers of PTSD and their supporters here. I'm guessing from your introduction that you are more likely to be a sufferer. But a little info about what brought you to PTSD forum would be good. Have you been diagnosed with PTSD? Or think you may have it?
I find writing things down, definitely clarifies my thoughts. This is also a safe and anonymous place to write about what's bothering you.
Regards
CB
intothelight
Sponsor
Hi Jimmy-Joe,
Welcome to the forum.
Welcome to the forum.
- Post starter
- #4
I found this when I was looking for alter ego stuff, as far as that knowledge goes :D, but yea ptsd is the one diagnosis they've left on me the whole time lol, although now my therapist thinks I have alter egos also, and well, I can agree with that. My dad was abusive from at least 5 till i got sent to treatment, lol probably 290 out of 365 days of the year.
It's kinda weird, cause i'm not sure if I'm making things up, like say I'm making up alter egos, but at the same time, I think I can tell when I'm in a mindset that doesn't make sense to me? but it does, so I say and do things that later I don't know why I thought they were smart at the time. I used to never get angry because my dad would hit me for that, and pretty much any other mundane mistake lolol like grammar, and using the word "like" improperly, or stuttering, or mispronouncing words, or not answering fast enough. That's when I tried to pretend like an animal, and fall down, but he'd tell me to get up, and if i didn't fast enough, he'd start kicking me, so I tried crying, but he would hit me until i stopped. And I went off on a tangent again.
But yea, it feels like there are at least 3 of me inside me, lol I'm getting a headache now cause I'm having a three-way arguement in my head. lolol I'm probably sounding weird and selfish right now lol, I talk about me too much? These are the times when I want to die lol, that and when I make mistakes, it sucks though cause since I was 5 I used fantasizing about my death as a way to calm down, because then I wouldn't have to feel anything again, but now that another thought attacks the suicide ones, I can't fall into it any more, but at least I'm getting more days where I can think. Unlike now. Lol I ramble a lot, or I used to, now I hardly say 3 words to people.
Lol I could go on for a long time, but I should probably stop now lol
and thank you
It's kinda weird, cause i'm not sure if I'm making things up, like say I'm making up alter egos, but at the same time, I think I can tell when I'm in a mindset that doesn't make sense to me? but it does, so I say and do things that later I don't know why I thought they were smart at the time. I used to never get angry because my dad would hit me for that, and pretty much any other mundane mistake lolol like grammar, and using the word "like" improperly, or stuttering, or mispronouncing words, or not answering fast enough. That's when I tried to pretend like an animal, and fall down, but he'd tell me to get up, and if i didn't fast enough, he'd start kicking me, so I tried crying, but he would hit me until i stopped. And I went off on a tangent again.
But yea, it feels like there are at least 3 of me inside me, lol I'm getting a headache now cause I'm having a three-way arguement in my head. lolol I'm probably sounding weird and selfish right now lol, I talk about me too much? These are the times when I want to die lol, that and when I make mistakes, it sucks though cause since I was 5 I used fantasizing about my death as a way to calm down, because then I wouldn't have to feel anything again, but now that another thought attacks the suicide ones, I can't fall into it any more, but at least I'm getting more days where I can think. Unlike now. Lol I ramble a lot, or I used to, now I hardly say 3 words to people.
Lol I could go on for a long time, but I should probably stop now lol
and thank you
Welcome to the site. Actually what you said makes sense to me. I wonder if you are seeing a Trauma Specialist.
That would make a huge difference in getting the help you need. The jumbled thoughts and the 'alters' you are talking about and possibly making them up are things that probably need looking into, although I am not a professional.
To me it makes sense that you would calm yourself with thoughts of death or suicide as a child and even now, I did the same thing. I could not go to sleep unless I used some sort of fantasy of my death. I never realized this abnormal until I finally discussed it with a therapist and got some help. I don't sleep well and never have.
I hope that you continue reach out and seek more information about what you are experiencing.
Rain
That would make a huge difference in getting the help you need. The jumbled thoughts and the 'alters' you are talking about and possibly making them up are things that probably need looking into, although I am not a professional.
To me it makes sense that you would calm yourself with thoughts of death or suicide as a child and even now, I did the same thing. I could not go to sleep unless I used some sort of fantasy of my death. I never realized this abnormal until I finally discussed it with a therapist and got some help. I don't sleep well and never have.
I hope that you continue reach out and seek more information about what you are experiencing.
Rain
Welcome Jimmy joe. I think we have at least three people going at any given time. One is the logical, detached person who runs the show when our mind is off wandering. One is the more or less normal person with current needs based on the current situation. And one is the traumatized person with very intense needs based on old stuff from the experience of surviving the traumatic situation. The task is to learn to understand all three, along with any others that have developed to handle specific situations, in order to manage our current behavior and get our current needs met in our current situation.
Ted
Ted
- Post starter
- #7
This makes sense, also, would it be weird if I wanted people to dig into my psyche? Or help me with questions I guess, I've had this obsession for a little over a year now with figuring out why I'm so weird, but it's really hard to dig when the dirt keeps ending up back in the hole while you aren't looking lol. Metaphorically speaking :D
And my family tends to constantly correct and tease each other, so I don't really know how to deal with people saying positive things, so I apologize ahead of time if I sorta ignore things. I'm actually not, it just never makes it out of my head lolol.
And my family tends to constantly correct and tease each other, so I don't really know how to deal with people saying positive things, so I apologize ahead of time if I sorta ignore things. I'm actually not, it just never makes it out of my head lolol.
- Post starter
- #8
Srain I wonder that also, lol he was my therapist at the shortterm lockdown after I "ran away" from my first longterm place, then we found him again as an outpatient therapist when I got released from the idaho place, so I'm not sure if he specializes in anything, lol he keeps a spot open for me now even though I can't pay cause I dont have insurance. It kinda freaks me out to be honest lol, any time someone says something good about me, or helps me without apparent gain for them, I get really suspicious. I don't understand it, because most of me doesn't value me at all. Not sure what there is to value, I'm pretty weird lol.
Hi Jimmy Jo,
I can't add much to what others have said, plus do not have a great cohesive thought process going myself today so would probably fail but aat least wished to say welcome. Also please don't think it would ever be at all 'selfish' or self absorbed to speak 'too much' of yourself. This is a forum for addressing your PTSD, for healing, for interacting with others-for support also. It's YOUR thread, too so.... :). I completely understand the whole dislike of positive comment on yourself-most of us have that aspect of this thing even without the shredded childhood you had ( although many here have had that ) . At any rate, I hope you feel completely free speaking as much as you're comfortable with about yourself. You can see already how many people are listening.
Do take care,
Anni
I can't add much to what others have said, plus do not have a great cohesive thought process going myself today so would probably fail but aat least wished to say welcome. Also please don't think it would ever be at all 'selfish' or self absorbed to speak 'too much' of yourself. This is a forum for addressing your PTSD, for healing, for interacting with others-for support also. It's YOUR thread, too so.... :). I completely understand the whole dislike of positive comment on yourself-most of us have that aspect of this thing even without the shredded childhood you had ( although many here have had that ) . At any rate, I hope you feel completely free speaking as much as you're comfortable with about yourself. You can see already how many people are listening.
Do take care,
Anni
Amongst other things, my father was very sarcastic and loved to tease kids, loved to use us for his entertainment. To this day (I am 65 now) I still have trouble receiving positive feedback from adults. It triggers the feeling I'm being set up again, makes me very uncomfortable and wanting to leave or for them to go away as soon as possible. In the past I would do something to make one or the other happen. These days I have learned to endure the uncomfortable feelings, stay in the situation and behave appropriately, leaving at an appropriate time in an appropriate (friendly) way. I have more positive relationships these days :)
Ted
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