Hitting A Rut In Therapy

[roaringrachel]

I've been in therapy for a little over a year and half. And I am doing a lot better, really! I've managed to really tackle a lot of my anxiety.

But whenever I try to talk about trauma stuff (CSA), I get mega anxious. I realllyyyy want to talk about it but I just feel so embarrassed. It's difficult because I was sexually abused by my mother (and I'm a female as well) and that's just an unusual trauma. I feel awkward because I don't want my therapist to feel bad for me or give me a sad look or for it to be all serious.

But I really like my therapist and I trust her. Her advice is that I try to do body scans when I feel anxious, write down distressing memories and tear them up, or do deep breathing. But I just want to talk about it! Any tips on how to make this happen? What to say to my therapist? Am I just going to be like this forever? Should I take a break from therapy? Try a different kind of therapy? Any advice or support is greatly appreciated!!!

 

[watundah]

Well, it is sad and serious and in a way them showing that gives us permission to feel it, too, which is part of the healing.

I know how hard it is to talk about, and you can ease into it by presenting the details in writing and then talk about that, maybe? Once you start, it is a huge weight lifted to share and know someone cares.

Good luck!

 

[roaringrachel]

Well, it is sad and serious and in a way them showing that gives us permission to feel it, too,...

Thank you! I know it will be a weight off my shoulders, I just gotta push past this embarrassment.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My mother sexually abused me as well as sexually tortured me and I am female so I get it.

But I just want to talk about it!

I get that feeling and maybe that means you need to talk about it but also that may be impossible right now. I know what it feels like to just want to let it all out and not able to. Be patient and gentle with yourself!

What to say to my therapist? Am I just going to be like this forever? Should I take a break from therapy? Try a different kind of therapy?

I have been with my therapist for over 8 yrs now and MANY time we have hit ruts. I stayed stuck for an entire year and its when I came in here was I am to unstick myself.

Just move slow. It allows trust to build and that allows things to come out that wouldn't have otherwise.

I didn't tell my therapist why I was really there for a year and needed help to do that and then another 2 years to pull it all out. Not saying it will take that long and it can (or longer) and thats ok. This isn't something to rush. It's a marthon, not a sprint! Go slow and steady and you will have you sprinting moments but you must be patient and understanding with yourself. You will get there!

 

[roaringrachel]

My mother sexually abused me as well as sexually tortured me and I am female so I get it....

Thank you so much!

But do you know how I can make it go faster? Like I feel so ready! Just the second I get into the therapy room...I freeze. It's not that I don't trust my therapist though. Although maybe it's that I am scared of what she is going to think. I get worried that she will feel sad. And I like her so much, I wouldn't want me telling her these really disgusting things to change our relationship. I'm really open about EVERYTHING else, just not this. But if I feel ready, is there anything I can do to make myself just blurt out what I want to say?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If you feel ready, then say it. Write it out and let her read it. My therapist and I passed notes for a while as I couldnt say it.

It never changed our relationship. He didnt seem suprised or sad. He seemed very understanding and supportive.

Not sure how to tell you how to get yourself to do it. I turn around to tell my therapist embarrasing things. I tell him i need to tell him something embarrasing, he creates a path/a dialog, and I turn around looking out the window behind me and usually hint at it til he get it or guesses it or I just close my eyes and say it and then usually hide my face in the pillow on the couch for a real long time as my therapist talks and asks me questions that i can shake my head to.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I feel ya on wanting to talk about it just to say it! It feels like it's been sitting inside for forever and you just want it OUT! But sometimes forcing it can be harmful. It's so hard to be patient but maybe that's best? Maybe you can approach it in stages. Write down like an outline, very formulaic. And put in some main points and then below then, the details. Start (when you're ready) by just saying the main points, with the least emotional impact. And then stop. Wait and see how that feels until next session. Then maybe give a little more. Or just mention "today I'm feeling like I want to talk about my trauma more than before and I'm frustrated because I'm still so scared". That stuff is really good to talk about as well! ️

 

[erigby]

When everything hit the fan...I wrote it all down and sent it to my therapist.
It was so freeing...but now I can't talk about it.
He says I need to...but I just can't.
So all the crap is out there...and someone else is carrying it with me...that is helpful.
I haven't worked through much of it though.
It's embarrassing and painful.
So maybe for now...having my therapist hold onto it with me will have to do.
It was terrifying when I shared it all.
So much junk I had kept bottled up for decades.
I think this is what therapy is for...help us put it all out there.
It's scary though...but can be very freeing.

 

[Missycat]

I know exactly how you feel. It took me a while to talk about what happened to me (incest csa). I wanted to get it out and share it as i had always felt as a child that i was screaming but no one listened. In T i would just dissociate and i found it impossible to say the words .. altho part of me wanted to .. to be heard.
I still struggle and still sometimes dissociate but i found it easier to share by writing it down. I write down my memories , nightmares and flashbacks and i email her them or i show her my notes. If i email them she will read them before my next session and then she knows how i am feeling ( usually nervous and anxious) . We agreed a proces that she will ask me questions or instigate the conversation about it , this has worked for me. Its still hard but this has worked - maybe give it a try

 

[Laurie2001]

Maybe you should talk to her about how you freeze when you want to share the abuse or how you are ambivalent. You can discuss all the feelings associated with what you went through before telling her the exact experience. Also you can tell her what you are afraid will happen, i.e. your fears about her potential reactions and why those reactions would disturb you. Go easy on yourself. This is a long process.