Hoarding And CPTSD

[Sanctuary]

I'm hurting so much at the moment.
I saw my dad in hospital yesterday he also has chest infection with his lung disease and is on oxygen.
My mum keeps saying when you gonna get another cat, this hurts me so much!
Like saying to someone whose best friend has just died, when you gonna get another best friend??

I come in and my baby cat is not there. I've made her bed into a cuddly cat.
I cuddled it and just been sobbing with the bible on my heart, please god just help me.
I'm in so much pain, it hurts so much.

Been trying to learn how to do heart CPR from u-tube, coz if my dad had another heart attack I would not know
what to do to save him.
My therapist emailed me about pausing any treatment for EMDR.
I really can't take much more, I'm falling apart.

I always had my bubba cat, they haven't given her ashes back yet, she was nearly 16 years old. I didn't realize.
I had her since a 3-week old kitten when she was a stray.
A neighbor put her in my arms and she stayed., coz she needed me.
I'm heartbroken.

I've got a week to do the house.
But I just keep crying, just hope I don't get sectioned or something.
My brain isn't working
I'm lost.

 

[Still Standing]

I’m so sorry you are in such pain. :hug: I hope your Dad starts improving. And, yes, not doing EMDR is a good choice right now. You have enough on your plate at the moment.

 

[Friday]

Been trying to learn how to do heart CPR from u-tube, coz if my dad had another heart attack I would not know

Word to the wise

Talk to the hospital... they usually offer classes, with a few different themes (CPR for healthcare providers is different than standard CPR), including CPR specific to one person’s medical issues. I had the healthcare provider cert, and still (happily!) took the instruction on how to give CPR to my kiddo when he was in & out of the hospital for about 2 years. In some cases? It was “Dont. You’ll kill him.” And I was given a portable defib to use, instead. With specific places to stick the patches (which were different from the standard places).

Having that knowledge directly from his doctors and nurses? :D :tup: So so so relieving.

 

[Sanctuary]

Thank you, Friday
They have finally let my dad out the hospital this eve. They needed the bed!

I was just learning that heart attack and cardiac arrest are two different things.
He also has COPD and has oxygen, hence why he wouldn't have survived open heart surgery.
I'm going to have to go to my parents house and sit with him if my mum goes out.
He has got a chest infection as well at mo and the coming days will be important, as stents are in his heart.
I really do need to do a first aid course, will look into it.

But we are going to have a STAYING ALIVE party coz the beat of the music is what you do for CPR.
Advert with Vinnie Jones, doing CPR to save a life. British Heart Foundation

My dad is still alive.
Thank god!
and thank you

 

[Still Standing]

Good news, @Sanctuary! Thanks for giving an update!

 

[Sanctuary]

I got up 4am and started to declutter the house.
I used to get up at 4 am every single day to give Bubba her meds.

The new mini hoover came, so I hovered on my hands and knees to save my back.
I did 8 hours of getting rid of stuff, cleaning, etc.
It got to the point where my back was in spasm and I could not move anymore.

I phoned the Clarion housing association building company who have to do the maintenance to the flat that does NOT need doing
Donna was very kind, I told her my cat had died and she was very sympathetic.
I asked for a female surveyor as my father can not drive for a month after the hearts attacks.
They are going to put scaffolding up on the 11th, then building works will be 10-15 days.
She warned me that is can be quite scary having builders outside your windows and all the noise.

In the end, I had to trust her and be honest that I have cpstd due to a serial rapist breaking in the house and that
I'm still waking up screaming. I felt embarrassed but she was very kind.
I had to take a chance and trust her, as they will be ripping off the roof then a new boiler will have to come in.
All so that the housing will get their money from the government!

I spoke to my bro and we argued, he said you're only renting, you don't own the place.
If you don't let them in they can kick you out! I don't have a choice. My EMDR treatment will be post-poned .
Phoned therapist, not there, but receptionist Bart was very kind and would give T the message

The place looks better. Left the end of the bed to last instead this time. still got loads and loads to do.

 

[Still Standing]

Wow! I’m proud of you!!! You faced your challenge head on and have done what you could do. That was no easy feat. And I totally understand the disability to clean. I’ve had 10 back surgeries and am in need of another one so vacuuming, mopping, and sweeping I get...it hurts to clean. But it has to be done and you are doing it. And to be able to share your personal info in such a way with the gal at maintenance so there would be a level of understanding of your situation was wonderful. That was brave if you. Good job!

 

[Sanctuary]

Then after all this had the most horrific nightmare :

I'm in bed asleep, my body started to rise up on an invisible cross.
My arms are out like on a crucifix, something is controlling my body
It was like something out of the exorcist film.
I was about to possessed by something EVIL.

I'm calling for my mum for help, but no words are coming out. she can't hear me.
"Mum, mum", but my throat is dry and no sound.
I'm screaming and no one can hear me.
It's going to come from the end of the bed and my spirit will be possessed and ripped out of me.
I feel a heavy weight on my chest- SCUMBAG rapist is here.

I wake up.
All the junk is at the end of the bed. I'm frightened to move it.

When it happened in real life, nobody heard my screams.
My boyfriend at the time lived in a basement flat and had gone to work.
He lived next door to a pub, so there were 17 and a half inches of soundproofing in the bedroom.
No one came to save me, no one heard my screams.
I tried to escape by throwing a glass at him that smashed and I got to the door.
But he dragged me back by my shoulders and I managed to grab the phone and dial a 9, it was ripped out of hand.
SCUMBAG said "you're not going to escape again "
He attacked me again in the bedroom and I just thought I am DEAD.
This is where I'm gonna die. Chop up time would be later.

Getting a lot of nightmares
Does this still happen to you after 22 years?

 

[Sanctuary]

More nightmares:
Dreamt I was looking for an animal.
I see a little dog and two cats.
Then I'm in a place like a farm, with all types of animals.
Rabbits, pigs roaming free.

Then a fierce black bull with horns comes walking in.
It makes a beeline for me and has pinned me up against a corner wall.
It stands on its hind legs and this giant black bull face bit into my lip and I'm bleeding
Its two-headed horns are both sides of me and I'm completely trapped.
I'm terrified.
Somehow I manage to break free and I'm running .
I'm running and it's chasing me. It's going to kill me.
I'm jumping over wooden stalls to get away, but it's after me.
People are just moving out the way.
The bull is coming after me and it's not stopping.

I wake up.

I'm getting scared to sleep.
Someone, please help.
I think I need to go to my doctor. I'm losing the plot.
Feeling really alone.

 

[Sanctuary]

Dad back in the hospital again.
It's his lungs this time

 

[Mumo]

Oh @Sanctuary ...my heart is so moved with compassion for you. My mother use to say, "you can only do what you can do." I agree with @Still Standing ... I am proud of you also. Sometimes I wish we could all help each other in the real world too, but, alas, we cannot. There are many on here that I consider friends and wish I could just sit with them to support them. You are one.
Can you put a sheet or blanket over your pile? Sometimes that helps. Try it, see what it looks like?
Bubba kitty is part of you. She's with you, she's just invisible at the moment. Share your thoughts with her.
Be with your dad, it's important. Be gentle with yourself. Breathe...think of a beautiful place that you and Bubba can play in before falling asleep. Put beautiful flowers, sunshine and kitty in your mind. One baby step at a time...

 

[Sanctuary]

Thank you Mumo, your words really helped.
Dad is back out of the hospital but still very weak.

I got Bubba cat ashes back.
I dreamt I could feel her jump on the bed, and four little tiny paws.
She walked past my head whilst I was sleeping, I wanted to touch her but couldn't reach.
There was also a black cat by my bedroom door.
It was aggressive and scratchy and I was trying to stroke and comfort it.
( only later realized that it may have been Sybils black cat in my mind.

The dream comforted me. Bubba 's home.

So, I got up at 4 am and started to clean the windows inside and out!
I carried on till 11 pm at night, after moving all the pots and stuff from outside the house.
I couldn't move after, my back in spasm, my neck in agony.
At least that's done so housing can put up scaffolding to put a new roof on Monday.

My T phoned me and I told him about everything, he was very kind but warned me im likely to have a meltdown
when the builders start climbing up outside my windows.
Been sewing and making blinds for 7 windows so they can't see in.
Have a plan of escape when work starts 8am-5pm.

Put a black piece of material over the junk at the end of the bed.
Going to concentrate on keeping the kitchen, bathroom, and front room presentable.
I do marathon sessions of cleaning and decluttering.
Hammer and tongs approach, just like my dad.
Time is ticking and it has to be done now.