Hopeless

[ProductOfSociety]

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like this disorder is ruining my life. I think about something that happened 14 years ago every day. I have been through a few traumatic events and if it's not one thing, it's another.

I didn't develop PTSD until about 4 years ago. I have been just waiting for it to go away, for it to get better, because I know it's curable but it has began to feel more like a forever disease. It's as if it goes through stages. Sometimes I feel as if it gets better but then bam, I am back to being miserable.

I used to imagine dead bodies everywhere, in the shower, behind every closed door, around a turn, but thankfully that rarely ever happens now. I have even stopped having nightly nightmares.

However, lately, people at work have been noticing my symptoms such as being startled easy and zoning out. When I zone out I do things that I don't remember when I zone back in. I have been really jumpy lately. I keep thinking I see someone standing there out of the corner of my eye and every single noise makes me jump. It's overwhelming.

I have no friends, because I can't get close to people. I just don't trust. I only have 2 people that I am close to, and that's my husband and my cousin. I am scared this will ruin my marriage. When I cry I feel weak, and he doesn't know how to respond to what I have been through. He just goes 'What do you want me to say?'. I don't know what I am expecting. I am so lonely. I feel like a big... secret. I have every single symptom.

My aunt has PTSD. She is also paranoid schizophrenic, she stays heavily medicated. I am scared to become like her. When I was young, she was much better, but now she is like a puppet. I want to get better but the thought of medicine making me like how my aunt is.... scares me.

I don't know what to do. I have lived with this for too long. 3 Traumatic events, which all happened at a young age. My life has been really rough. I am 22, I look 15, and I feel 70.

 

[Jstalaboin]

I am really sorry that you are going through this. The only thing I can really say is that you can get real support here and that you are not alone. I hope you find peace in your life and that things get better.
Take care.

 

[MurphyJB]

Welcome to the forum.
Unfortunately, PTSD is a life long disorder. There is no cure.
With proper treatment though, it is manageable.
Are you seeing a therapist? Are you taking any meds?

 

[ProductOfSociety]

I didn't know it was a life long disorder. I really thought I could get rid of this. That news is a bit upsetting to say the least.
I am not seeing a therapist and I am not taking any medication. I went to a therapist a few times about 2 years ago. She was more interested in my current life instead of my past, and my past is what bothers me constantly. I do want to try therapy again but I have moved and that's not something I can afford. I don't have health insurance or anything of the such to help me out. I feel like it's getting worse again, my nightmares are back. I don't know know what to do. I don't have anyone to talk to. I try to talk to my husband about it and it upsets him. It's rough.
However, I would like to thank the two of you for taking the time to respond to this thread, it means a lot.

 

[Gamereign555]

For me finding out it was going to be a life long disorder was a tough thing for me also, but now you can focus on treating it and making your life more manageable instead of hoping to find a cure today.

Depending on where you live you should be able to find a human resources department building around, that would have a mental health branch and there in would provide services to those of low income. I would get started on that right away if you want a therapist soon.

I don't have health insurance either and that's tough, losing my job hurts a little in that respect. But I have to have a doctor, I mean I'm not sure what I would do without one. I was able to get a doctor without insurance. I used to use a walk in clinic for care and medications, it's not a cheap way to go either but they are available to all. I know getting medical help from welfare is just about impossible, but if you fit any of their criteria you should jump right on that.

Once you establish care and are on the right meds, having a doctor isn't that expensive, I go once every 3 months.
In the meantime finding the right medications if you choose to take them, some doctors you can call, a lot can be done over the phone and doesn't cost anything.

 

[ProductOfSociety]

I'll check into the human resources thing. I believe that's how I was able to go to therapy the first time. I am going to apply to medicaid soon. I have been denied before. Doesn't hurt to try again.
Thanks for the suggestions. I'll look into it all. I hope you are able to find a job soon. :]