How Are Therapists Meant To Comfort You?

[DiamondBug]

I had a really bad week in therapy last week and was so upset when I left. I got a lot of my chest but it was really difficult stuff that I've never spoke about, so it was pretty heartbreaking for me. When it was time for me to go, I stood up, I was still uncontrollably crying and hurting a lot, I was avoiding showing my t my face (I do this normally, I don't like people looking at me, especially when I cry), usually as soon as I get up he walks to get the door but this time he just sort of stood there at the door for what felt like a really long time just staring at me. It made me feel like I was an object. I've never really looked at his face properly especially when I'm in a session, but because he'd not moved I dared to briefly glance up at his face thinking he probably wouldn't be looking at me, he was, he looked concerned and sad, which to be honest made me cry more, then he suddenly blurted out you can take a tissue if you need one, I didn't really want to because I'd have to lean towards him and show my face again, but my face had become a wet makeup mess, so I didn't have much choice and attempted to dab my face with a tissue which did nothing. While I was wiping my eyes he grabbed the door for me and I pretty much ran out of there, whacking my hip on the door frame on the way out, he said see you next week as he normally does, I don't think I even said bye to him, I literally ran down the corridor to the toilets. I was so hurt by the session and confused about the ending of it. I was thinking that maybe he didn't let me leave straight away because I was crying but I was still crying quite loudly when he eventually opened his door and I ran out. Normally I have to go to the bathroom afterwards and have a 5 min cry but last time I was in there for probably more like 15 mins.

I saw him again today. The first thing he said in probably the most serious voice I've ever heard from him was I'm really sorry how I acted towards you last week, you were hurt and I didn't handle it very well, etc. That made me feel really bad that he felt bad, so I pretty much just cut him off as he was apologising like it's fine. We had an okay session after that, I just spoke about things that aren't as deep.

How are therapists meant to handle people when they are uncontrollably crying? Because I've got a feeling it's going to happen a lot more recently, we're touching on hard subjects and also he's going on holiday for a week in 2 weeks which I'm worrying about. Last time he went on holiday it was for 3 weeks and the worst time of the year for me, so I had a really bad experience, I felt really abandoned and rock bottom. He asked me today how I felt about that and again I said I was fine about it because I'd feel bad if I said I wasn't okay with it. I know it sounds silly but I don't want him to feel bad. I really do struggle to cope without seeing him weekly, I don't know whether I just find it difficult to admit that because I'm scared he'll think I'm needy or weak. I'm just so confused.

 

[erigby]

Dear @DiamondBug I can relate to your feelings of difficulty struggling between sessions with your therapist. I recently went on vacation and went two weeks without a visit to the therapist and it was excruciating...and terrifying beforehand knowing it was going to be that long. I think it is normal for those regular visits to be a part of the routine that is keeping you going. It sounds like your relationship with your therapist is growing and your trust in opening up to him is deepening. I am glad he apologized for not being more empathetic to your tears. I think one important part of therapy is learning how to have honest and open relationships with another human being. At least that has been a big part of it for me. I miss my therapist terribly between sessions. We have yet to really start to discuss the difficult stuff. I am hesitant and afraid but growing toward trust. One thing I have been honest with my therapist about is how much I don't want to disappoint him, how much I don't want to make him frustrated or think weird things about me, how I hold back from discussing things that might be difficult, how embarrassed I am to be so needy. He reassures me again and again...that's not what this about...this doesn't work without trust. So...I would encourage you to tell your therapist how nervous you are about his leaving. How knowing he will be away is upsetting to you. We all find ourselves in places of need. I work in a profession where people get nervous when they know I am away. I am ok with that and want to know. To help them I tell them where I am going, how long I will be away and for those in particular distress, I make sure they have a way to contact me or someone else with whom I share my work. While my relationship is different with them than a therapist/patient relationship...it does help me realize...its not weird to worry when someone you trust and who is helping you through a difficult time is going to be away. Also, consider asking your therapist if there is someone you can contact while he is away if you find yourself having a particularly difficult time. It sounds like you are doing some important work in therapy. It also sounds like you have a therapist who is self aware and has concern for your well being. Trust that and don't be afraid to jump into it.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I had a really bad week in therapy last week and was so upset when I left. I got a lot of my chest b...

There is this whole other dimension that a patient walks in which is pretty much regulated by brain damage that was incurred from prior abuse. An abusive father, ex, and multiple stalking experiences have thrown me into many different dimensions in which I wander around in, sometimes aimlessly. Within those dimensions I live through the abandonment that is so typical of predators. The main tactic of a predator is to hurt the victim and then to abandon the victim to leave him or her out to die.

A patient that is dealing with this has a very tough situation to deal with. It is so painful to a patient to go through that, give yourself time to heal and understand that such issues are always rooted in your past.
I know it is tough not to blame yourself, even though you are not to blame. You are merely reacting to the fallout of abuse.......

 

[Friday]

How are therapists meant to handle people when they are uncontrollably crying? Because I've got a feeling it's going to happen a lot more recently, we're touching on hard subjects

There isn't any one way. Meaning it's something that's up to each individual therapist, and there's a whole lot of variation there. Both from therapist to therapist, and from client to client (the same therapist handling things differently for each client based on what they need as individuals). It sounds from his apology that he really regrets the way he handled it last session. That happens. They're people, and people make mistakes.

It does leave you an opening to talk about how the two of you can handle those types of events in session, if you would like to, rather than just wait and see. If him feeling bad is a stopping point for you? (And the fact that this is his job, and he's not a friend that you have to look out for their feelings, doesn't help.) Try to think of it as teamwork / a joint effort. How can we work together on this to come up with a solution that works for both of us?

, I felt really abandoned and rock bottom. He asked me today how I felt about that and again I said I was fine about it because I'd feel bad if I said I wasn't okay with it. I know it sounds silly but I don't want him to feel bad.

I saw him again today. The first thing he said in probably the most serious voice I've ever heard from him was I'm really sorry how I acted towards you last week, you were hurt and I didn't handle it very well, etc. That made me feel really bad that he felt bad, so I pretty much just cut him off as he was apologising like it's fine. We had an okay session after that, I just spoke about things that aren't as deep.

This sounds like something I would very much recommend you being up in session: How do I talk about things I'm afraid will make you feel bad? // what would you suggest I do if I'm afraid to talk about things that might make you feel bad? If I catch myself lying, or minimizing, or refusing to talk about something because of how it might effect you, is there a way that we can work around that? // etc.