How Can Others Support You?

[maligator]

I have recently lost one of the few friends I have that I am close to about my emotional and psychological state, and she stated it was because of my PTSD and related issues. She wasn't unkind about it but it was still saddening after resolving to not spend Christmas this year with my family, who are a big trigger for me. My instinct is to learn to be happy with solitude but I second-guess decisions that withdraw me from the world.

I do have a couple other friends, my boss and his wife, and I told him recently that I needed to make some changes in my life and that I have things in mind that could possibly alleviate some stress (fitness, getting back into art) but also aren't directly attacking the problem. He suggested for the hundredth time that I need to let people support me and learn how to be vulnerable around them. I explained about my other friend who left me and how it's a lot to ask of a person to be supportive of someone with severe mental illness and apparently "it's still okay to ask". He is nothing if not stubborn.

Well all right. I'm not asking for his opinion so I can reject it, I just don't know how to really do that. Support groups like this forum are great but I recognize that having people in my life who are supportive is important. The struggle comes in where what exactly does it mean to be supported and how do you find people for that? I'm not exactly the type that makes friends at bars: going to the grocery store is rough enough.

I'm friendly enough with my coworkers and there is one I get along with more than the others--they are aware of my condition as it affects them professionally on occasion, but it's not exactly something we talk about other than "you might have to cover for me I'll just be working in the back today". However again, I feel like it's a lot to ask to be close and most people don't want to invite that kind of hardship into their lives. I don't blame them, if I had the option to not live with it I would also say "no thanks". I do force myself out into the world and around people, I compete passionately in a serious sport however I don't connect with the other competitors; a lot of them I don't particularly like at all. I also have a promising career involving therapy for others ahead and I enjoy that and it takes me different places but I haven't formed any personal relationships through it and don't see how I would.

Fortunately I do have a couple prospects. My boss and his wife have both been very understanding and actively trying to help me which is great except I don't know what to do with that. When they ask how they can help I freeze up and say "I don't know" and I really don't. It's never been easy to look outside myself for support and I don't have any clue what they could do that would be helpful, or what's appropriate to ask. I genuinely want to give them something to do, not just for my sake but because I see how earnest they are and I feel bad for rejecting that.

So in summary: how to make friends and what are things your friends do for you that you find helpful?

 

[Deleted member 541]

Well, if we're honest, people with PTSD are the ones that people tend to gravitate too. Hell, I don't even like myself at times, so why would anyone else.

Honestly, I think we tend to push people away at times, then on flip side sometimes we are too needy. I think it's trying to find a balance, and to learn to depend on ourselves for the majority of the crap that we deal with. No one else should be or is responsible for our emotional stability. We are!

Support to everyone is different. One may want the house cleaned, or someone to drive them somewhere. It could be just a hug for some, or hours of just talking for someone else. It's as individual as each of us are. For me when I'm supper depressed, I want no one around. When just in a medium state of depression, I want someone there, just there, and if I need to talk, then ok.

What do you think would work for you?????

 

[maligator]

Thank you for the response.

I'm really unsure! I live alone, grew up largely alone or caring for my younger siblings, I do struggle a lot relying on others, but fierce independence has also lead to bouts of loneliness. My "walls are up" as both my therapist and shrinking circle of friends all agree. I suppose my question was more pertinently "what has worked for you" which you answered nicely, and gives some ideas.

Talking about it I could do more of, at least with my boss or his wife. When I do it's fairly beneficial but usually ends with them asking "what can I do to help?" which is when I blank. I want to be able to tell them something more practical than just ending the conversation with them feeling sorry for me. I suppose it's helpful just to have that availability for someone to talk to if I need it, and I can say that much.

Anyone else have thoughtful persons in their life that have done some beneficial acts? Or something they wish of others?