General How Do Carers Make Things Better For Themselves

[Nicolette]

Ok, we spend a lot of time working out how we can help our sufferers and we often discuss how it impacts on us. We need to find a ways to help ourselves and not just the setting boundaries and how to handle our sufferers.

Things that come to mind are:

• Have a healthy interest (sport is really good for relieving stress)
• Have more than one person you can vent to so you don't sound like a broken record to the first one but you can go over an issue if you need to
• Seek an independent view (therapist) if you feel your friends/family are being biased or the opposite
• Escape if you need to
• Find the courage to speak your mind in terms of your values/views/opinions...but do it with class and compassion. You don't have to put someone done or yell to be heard. Find a common language or analogies. Being able to be respected for your opinion with help your self esteem. This could also be agreeing to disagreeing...both respecting each other's points of view
• If you feel you need to do something then do it and not act in fear of the consequence to your sufferer (unless it is something ridiculous of course)
• Evaluate yourself for co-dependency....a lot of Carers have it.

 

[Shoka]

Such an important thread!
Thank you Nicolette.

I want to add to remember to take care of the basics:
-Get enough rest
-Eat healthy
-Stay hydrated
-Do something nice for yourself every single day
-Determine what your boundaries and limitations are in the relationship and stick with them.
-HALT which stand for hungry? angry? lonely? tired?... on any given day or throughout the day ask yourself if you are one of these things and if you are, try to address that need on your own as quickly as possible. For example, if you are lonely, perhaps the answer is to reach out to a friend, or someone else in your support system (not your sufferer). If you are angry, write a letter that you never send, or go for a swift walk around the block or down the street, or punch a pillow.

 

[Tinyflame]

-Know that, in particular if any of the 2 above aplly (H.A.L.T), you may likely get angry, or frustrated or depressed, more easily. That's ok, we all do.
-Take it one day at a time
-Have hope
-Speak the truth, if you feel it's something that has to be said
-Put yourself first
-Know that whatever decisions you have to make, that you have been/ are, a tremendously compassionate and unique, brave, special person, to have been understanding and loving despite so many challenges.
-Know that you are loved and appreciated, even when you don't get the feedback. Very likely more than you'll ever know.

 

[xxarmywifexx]

I know this is an old post but how does one evaluate themselves for co-dependency?

 

[Nicolette]

There is a co-dependency thread I wrote somewhere.............[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/carers-co-dependency-information.8894/#post-133921[/DLMURL]

 

[IvyMillie]

I like these thoughts. Here are a few of mine as well.

• My cat is a big stress reliever, really any pet will do. She gives me affection when I'm feeling down.

• I try to always have a hobby of some sort. (I took piano for a few years. I like to sew. I enjoy yard work. Now I'm writing a book just for amusement, it takes my mind off of things.)

• When I went to school (in my 30's) that was a great distraction.

• If you can have a girlfriend that helps. I don't have any super close friends, but I have many people I'm friendly with. I try to call someone and show interest in others. Do something nice for someone. Reminds me that I am a person and some people to care about me.

• I totally agree about exercise, even just simple stretching in the evening is helpful

• I find baking in the evening is very relaxing. It's something I have to do (I'm on a special diet), but I enjoy it.

I'm not able to do the speaking the truth part. That just causes an argument. He tends to think everything is my fault and that I'm accusing him of being terrible. This is honestly, no matter how I say it. (I've tried all ways in 20+years) In years past after the argument it never changes anything--things were never resolved. I'm glad for those of you that are able to speak--I think that would help. I hope the end result is beneficial.

 

[living4jesus]

Evaluate yourself for co-dependency....a lot of Carers have it.

I have learned that I am codependant, but I am currently working on my independance, the list you posted Nicolette is everything I recently have been working on within myself. Thank you for posting this!

 

[Enigma66]

To answer your question...after years of banging my head against a brick wall, blood, sweat and tears, literally, I gave up, too hard basket, I quit.
That's how I made things better for myself.

 

[Losingmymind]

How do you pick yourself up after walking on eggshells for 3 years?I exercise and eat well but work long hours but coming home and not knowing where to tread sends all the good unstuck.
Ivymillie, speaking the truth is a no go here also as all hell breaks loose.
Please I ask for guidance on how to speak the truth without the aftermath.....I am at my wits..

 

[Enigma66]

How do you pick yourself up after walking on eggshells for 3 years?I exercise and eat well but work long hours but coming home and not knowing where to tread sends all the good unstuck.
Ivymillie, speaking the truth is a no go here also as all hell breaks loose.
Please I ask for guidance on how to speak the truth without the aftermath.....I am at my wits..

There is no easy way...whenever I tried to voice my feelings or opinions about some things, and in the nicest way possible, I got shot down in flames, it would be all my fault,rant & rave at me for hours, in the end I didn't bother anymore, it wasn't worth the hassle and suppressed my feelings, then got accused of being secretitive etc, damned if you do and damned if you don't. Just get yourself a good listening ear eg friend etc

 

[raulsgirl]

I know this is an old post but how does one evaluate themselves for co-dependency?

Read the book Co Dependent No More by Melodie ? cant remember last name. I read it 4 times last year helped me identify what I was actually doing to myself and others!

 

[ronnalee]

Read the book Co Dependent No More by Melodie ? cant remember last name. I read it 4 times last year helped me identify what I was actually doing to myself and others!

The last name of the author is Beattie. Excellent book to read!