How Do I Dodge Wrecking Balls?

[Flyaway]

Today I went and spoke with my ex therapist. It was healing to discuss why I stopped wanting to have sessions with him and to hear him say he was sorry for the part he played in the miscommunication we had. The miscommunication happened at an extremely vulnerable point in my life... I was overwhelmed with my mum dying of cancer and her being too arrogant and proud to say sorry for enabling her husband and son to sexually abuse me, and for the ways she abused me. I met a guy who put on a brilliant act of being a good person... Basically, he strangled me when having sex and I haven't been the same since. He got aggressive when I stood up for myself after. I had to get the police involved - the first time I went the police woman was dismissive of the violence because apparently it's ok to be violent if sex is consensual.

For the first time in my life, I kept fighting to do something about it. I got an interim restraining order out on him, he opposed it (just my word against his!) and when he opposed it the magistrate dismissed the restraining order because "when he was younger, he remembers getting a little rough during sex". This destroyed me - I bought the transcript and wanted to do something about it - but was WAY to vulnerable and frightened.

I became very sceptical and distrustful of everyone during this time- and misinterpreted therapist. I cried today when my ex therapist reassured me that he feels horrified that I was re-traumatised, especially since I've had to endure so much all ready.

This therapist has been very significant in my life. He helped me to make some big adjustments to my life that helped me to move forward I previously didn't think was possible. He cheered me on for a long time and gave me hope. There were so many times when I would express my views on something or overcome a big hurdle, and he would sit there and begin to raise his hands up and down in a 'bow to you' gesture and tell me he admired me for what ever I had just accomplished.

Since meeting with my ex therapist, I've been overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions...
Grief for missing out on the much needed support I needed badly to get through the trauma I was experiencing.
Anger at the ASSHOLE who took a wrecking ball to my already fragile life - the person i had a brief relationship destroyed years of carefully building and reconstructing my life with his abuse. This happened about two years ago now, I haven't been able to even consider a relationship since him.
Heartbreak for all I lost during this time.
Overwhelming sadness for what I will never be able to fully repair.

Maybe what I need to learn from this is to be more wary of toxic people. I wish I would have trusted my judgement more, instead of ignoring all the signs and just believing the best in that DUCKHEAD!!!

I hope that next time I come across someone like that, I'm quick to move on and move forward.

I'm still wondering though, how to avoid wrecking balls in the future? How do I recognise them- this one was SO SNEAKY!!! He didn't look like a wrecking ball at all... He fed me everything I wanted to hear.

I just realised that I got through that without self harming. I am really proud of myself for that!!! I have come a long way!

Any ideas?
xo

 

[StarChild]

Dear Flyaway, please excuse my ignorance, but I don't fully comprehend what you wrote. I think it's an issue with my English... So, for a better understanding of your post, are you now angry at this former therapist of yours, or do you mean someone else? Again: I don't scrutinize your post, but I simply don't comprehend who you mean by writing:

Since meeting with him, I've been overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions...

and

his abuse destroyed years of carefully building and reconstructing my life.

I really would appreciate your clarification, because I'm quite a bit confused...
.

 

[Flyaway]

Thanks- you were right. I'm high on Xanax :happy: a bit spacey... Is it more clear now?

 

[StarChild]

Thank you for your effort to explain your post to me. It is more clear now, although I'm not sure if your post has one or two focuses: (ex therapist and the a**h*ole, or just the a**h*le). Sorry!

:singing:But many, many congrats on this one::singing:

I just realised that I got through that without self harming. I am really proud of myself for that!!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yeah your post is still confusing. Come down off the Xanax and post again (don't fix the existing post, it's more confusing when you keep changing it).

How do you avoid sociopaths? You can't. I have an ex friend I knew for three years and then he started asking me what would I do if he raped me and other twisted stuff. This is a guy who has an incredibly soft demeanor and he's the only guy who has never triggered me in any sort of physical/intimate way. There's no way I could have spotted such deep depravity ahead of time.

 

[Nebulustrix]

Fly - If you are a reader, there are two excellent books that have been very helpful and influential for me. I've recommended them to many others, and have gone back and reread them for myself several times.

Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward and
Dangerous Relationships: How to Stop Domestic Violence Before It Stops You by Noelle Nelson

I think that the "wrecking balls" (great analogy! :) ) in our lives can be avoided when we learn how to recognize the early warning signs of their approach so that it does not seem so sneaky and sudden. There are little things that we can teach ourselves to watch for, and ways we can respond to potentially bad situations in order to get a better idea whether this might constitute another wrecking ball.

 

[Abstract]

Flyaway,
I am so sorry that you had that happen. I have to say that the judge got right up my nose. And the police woman. Honestly, ignorant morons should not be let anywhere near cases like this. Very angry on your behalf.

I think I understand. It seems the T re traumatised you in a way you have not shared here and at a vulnerable time, and that a relationship turned very scary a few years back and knocked down your coping mechanisms. It is the ex that you mostly seem to be referring to here. ?

What can we do to avoid the psychos? I think there are a lot of things we can do. One is take things slowly. That gives us a chance to pick up on warning signs and for them to reveal themselves. Two is to listen to our instincts. We have often been trained from young to do the opposite. I certainly had and I spend a lot of time and energy on checking in with myself and staying aware. Three is to not fall into what is familiar and excuse it or think I can handle something when others would not and would be gone. I often also get lost in empathy and can't see what I need.

I think its a great step that you have listed your feelings here and what they relate to.

 

[Flyaway]

Thanks @SweetLullaby - it is a HUGE feat to be that low and not turn on myself.

@Nebulustrix YES! Love to read- thanks for the recommendations!!! Sounds like exactly what I need!!!

@Abstract I think those FOOKING morons should all be locked up together so the can strangle each other - if that's what they like so much!!! Thanks for the validation!!!
Yes- I have been trained not to trust myself, everyone else's feelings came first. Thanks for the advice- really appreciate it!

Something else I think I learnt from this, is that I was searching for people just like my family, believing and hoping that just because my family weren't interested in changing, it didn't mean that others like them wouldn't want to change and break free of an abusive lifestyle. The loser who strangled me was like my family. I think this was naive of me - they are what they are! I am what I am. I can't change them.

 

[Abstract]

Why such ignorant people are let loose on us I will never understand. I think professionals in general underestimate the potential damage these ignoramuses can do.

I actually suspect it is much more and goes much deeper than naivete. I have heard it described as a trauma re-enactment. Essentially the drive is towards the familiar but with the conscious or totally subconscious wish to change the outcome. Of course what happens is re-traumatisation.

What it feels like to me when I have this type of connection with someone is that I loose part of my thinking. I describe it as my zombie mode. Something clicks and I seem to go into a pattern of behaviour automatically. I have worked hard to change it and am changing it.

It think it's quite impressive that you have this much awareness.

 

[Mayday]

I just realised that I got through that without self harming. I am really proud of myself for that!!! I have come a long way!

Well done for that! That is HUGE progress!

Even though it feels like we are making the same mistakes, again and again, noticing things like that, where actually you were a lot stronger that time than you might have realised, shows that we are making progress.

I think that's a key thing for me these days. Is to realise that although I am still not "fixed", that I have made, and am still making progress. There's a saying I had on my wall for awhile that I'm going to put back up, that says "Progress, not Perfection".

For me, I think it's always going to be difficult to avoid people like that, as there was so much conditioning in my past, and so much still unresolved inside me, but I do know that I am getting better at noticing the signs, and at listening to myself when I notice the signs. It's not perfect, but it's progress.

 

[Flyaway]

Thanks @Abstract !!! I totally get the zombie mode- That's a great way of explaining it! This was the first time I tried fighting the zombie mode... Maybe I need to give myself a break and stop being so hard on myself. Fighting was a big deal!!!

@Mayday - you're right! It really is HUGE progress! I don't give myself enough credit! THANK YOU! I love the saying!!! It's going on my wall!