How do i get over it?

[BohemianPrincess]

It has been harder and harder to cope with what most people can just get over. I get so easily upset over things most people would brush over. I find it harder and harder to get over my parents and their discipline whenever I was younger even more so that I have kids of my own. I look at my children and wonder how could someone ever hit them with something under the guise of discipline.
My parents used to do it, my partners parents too. My partner turned out fine and I pretend to.
Back up story I wish that I could know if i should or shouldn't be effected as much as I am. I grew up with my siblings under corporal punishment, one parent would beat us with a belt not just on the bum but wherever the belt landed. This was for things like not listening (disobedience) goofing around when it was supposed to be bedtime, hitting siblings etc. Some of it I can't help but to agree with (for me at least but not for anyone else) you would think that after my siblings and I hid ahid all the belts away they wouldvew stopped but we forgot to hide theirs, it just made them even more angry and they still beat us. The other parent would spank and not just a wack on the bum but pants and underwear off 10-15 wacks depending which makes my stomach sick now. The humilation and problems that its caused. Anything we did when we were out if we weren't perfect we we're threatened with either getting spanked or getting the belt. It made me the perfect child for then. Always afraid to get hurt so I made sure that I wouldn't be. I was scared to play games with my friends like truth or dare and go on normal social websites like Myspace and chat etc so naturally my friends stopped hanging out with me. It was fine though all I cared about was getting my parents approval and not getting hit. I became pretty successful on the outside. But day by day more and more triggers appear.
I can't even be in the same room with the belt using parent let alone look them in the eyes. I'm filled with anger and disgust (contempt) utter disgust and hatred. I want nothing but to beat them like they did me.
I've never felt like this before though. When I was younger I loved my parents. I was scared of them but I loved them. Now they repulse me.
Most people can talk about their childhood punishments but I can't. I think it has something to do with a shame thing. My partner has no idea that I grew up with that. I don't want them to know, because I don't want our kids to go through it.
The one thing that hurts the most is to not be able to talk about it and acknowledge how much it crushed me. I'm labeled entitled if I mention that. How it did nothing but negatively effect me and screw me up. Everything from people clapping to seeing a belt is a trigger and there is no one to tell this to because everyone else was able to get over it, laugh about it and even say that kids today "need" it.
I wish I could get over it, laugh about it, be a different person who wasn't affected by it and shrug it off. But I'm different, the black sheep, the odd one out, the outcast.
I started self harming at 5 and have been clean but relapse often, depression and anger plague my heart. I don't think it's completely the punishments that get to me it's that no one else was affected like I was.

 

[Angelwings]

"You can't teach children to behave better by making them feel worse. When children feel better, they behave better." - L.R. Knost

"Gentleness does not mean that you don't guide me. It means that your guidance doesn't hurt me." - L.R. Knost

 

[EveHarrington]

I believe your thinking is quite a bit skewed. You state that no one else was affected like you are.....yet do you realize where you are posting? You’ve got a site full of people who were abused as children. You’re in no way the odd one, the black sheep, the outcast, or different for being affected by getting beaten as a child. I think this is step one for you. Realizing that you’re not unique in this regard.

 

[BohemianPrincess]

I believe your thinking is quite a bit skewed. You state that no one else was affected like you a...

True but at the same time alot of people don't consider that abuse but discipline. And alot of other people have been through worse. It makes me feel so guilty for feeling the way I feel and even posting this. But I kind of had to. I think I was on the brink of letting my anger get the best of me if I didn't. Thanks for your post I really appreciate it, but I still can't help but feel alone. My partner was able to laugh while they told me what they experienced and it was similar to what I had. I told them it wasn't funny but they kept laughing but said it wasn't they just learned to get used to it..there's no way I'm telling them how negative it effected me. Don't want to come off as whiny. I'm glad this site exists though, it really helps me. And like you said at least I'm taking the first step or a semi step by talking to people who have been abused.

 

[Esterio]

Hi BohemianPrincess and welcome to the forums
You have made your first big move forward coming here and tell a bunch of strangers about what you went through. You have shown that you are a strong and courageous person. You are not alone in this at all. You are only one child in many that was abused.

I didn't call what I got at home corporal punishment it was nothing short of whipping and beating. I got the corporal punishment at school. I was acting out because of what was going on with CSA and was getting punished severely for it. I was sent to a child Psychologist and that was when I realized what was happening to me was sexual abuse. I never told as I thought that was maybe why I was getting punished so I didn't want anyone to know. Thinking if I could hide it I would be able to escape punishment. That didn't work. My Dad was the punisher in our family. he whipped me with his belt until I got to be 13 then he started to just kick me out. According to him I was a looser and worth less. He told everyone not to help me and then came the worst person I ever met . He sexually abused me for 5 years and beat the shit out of me, before he died in a house fire.

I forgave my Dad for what happen in my own mind. I looked after him 3 years and My mom for 8 years at the end of their lives. I never really saw eye to eye with my Dad. I got really close to my Mom while I looked after her we got to know each other a lot better I spent a lot of time with her.
I hope you can see that you are not alone and get some help to help you on your healing journey. Please be kind to yourself.

Esterio

 

[BohemianPrincess]

Hi BohemianPrincess and welcome to the forums
You have made your first big move forward coming here a...

Thank you for your response exterio. I don't think I'm strong or courageous at all. My partners upset that I won't talk to them about it. They could tell I was upset yesterday. I was depressed and not myself. I get over it quickly when I get triggered it only lasts usually up to a week or less but those weeks are filled with reumination and a distorted image of myself. I feel completely different and alone.. almost dehumanized, all over something people consider normal and okay for the generation I grew up in which is not old. I'm millennial stull. Which is why I'm done talking about it and hearing how easy I got off etcetera. ImI over it again and prpproba won't be triggered again until something else happens later. But now I have a bigger problem on my hands my partners teust

 

[EveHarrington]

Does your partner know you got the crap beaten out of you on a regular basis? That it was far more than punishment?

 

[BohemianPrincess]

Does your partner know you got the crap beaten out of you on a regular basis? That it was far mor...

No, I never can bring myself to tell them I ended up telling them that I was upset for something that no one would get upset over. Ironically I felt at that moment that it was a more acceptable reason than the actual one. And was it more than a punishment? Did you not grow up that way? Most people that do have an interesting way of coping and I sadle did not get that quality for myself. I used to..the deptedepre happened when I became educated about the situation and others. I learned that some people weren't brought up that way... I'm so confused as to why I can't get over it and haven't been able to bring myself to tell my therapist either. I do think that I am growing though so there's a silver lining. Someone told me that feeling dehumanized (which is what I have been feeling like lately- another recent symptom that I felt but couldn't find the words to explain till yesterday) is a sign that I'm in touch with my deeper feelings. Even though that sucks and i just began to acknowledge to myself how I felt about the situation I guess a least I'm allowing myself to feel again instead of sweeping it under the table.
Like I said, most people that go through what I did in my circle just f*cking laugh their asses off about it. It gets so irritating and is what my partner does too even though you can see the pain in their eyes, or the manifestations come up in other instances: depression, anger issues, self harm tactics, never being happy, etc. It's frustrating because on one hand I feel that it's helpless talking to anyone in my circle and on the other hand I'm okay with being alone with my thoughts since it's probably the safest way to deal.

 

[Esterio]

Thank you for your response exterio. I don't think I'm strong or courageous at all. My partner...

Hi BP
We can not compare our trauma's it does not work that way. I don't know why some end up with problems and others don't. It is a mental illness and we all are different. The corporal punishment you describe was over the top. It has affected you in a negative manner. Are you in therapy that may help you. Therapy is not a magic bullet but it can help you to process your pass and maybe show you that it was in the past and can't physical hurt you anymore. I think you have shown lots of strength and courage coming to talk about something that was extremely humiliating and has hurt you deeply. Be gentle to yourself ((((((((((((((BohemianPrincess)))))))))))))))

Lot of us have been through multiple Trauma's and lots have one,they range from something that may seem minor and others that were horrific, we are all effected by similar symptoms. Trauma's seem to pile up over a life time. My first trauma was a dog attack at 3.5 years old. I most likely deserved to get bit, I never thought of that my whole life, I have had dogs most of my life and some where unruly and one was a violent dog when I took him over. I was in a lot of dog fights and I would win.

Then last year I was reading a post here about a girl who was taking pictures of dogs at a shelter so they could use them to get the dogs new homes and was severely attacked. I started to shake and it turned into a full blown panic attack. The next morning I was listening to old time radio the program was Dragnet it was about trying to get this lady to surrender her dog so that a 4 year old boy that the dog had bitten did not have to go through 40 or so injections to make sure he did not have rabies. I collapsed in a heap and cried most of the day. that was 60 years ago and it is fresh on my mind now all of the time. With PTSD I just never know what is going to trigger me or when I will suffer flash backs. So I never what today will be like till it is over.

When you talk you will find out more and start to see what happened and why it is bothering you so much. Have you been Diagnosed with PTSD I don't think you have said that. EveHarrington's post says it all and about thats the way it is here a bunch of abused children hang out here.

Esterio