Hello, I am very new to all of this and decided to register because I finally realized I have PTSD a few days ago and I need some help getting through it from others who may have experienced similar things. Warning: I do stray off topic or forget what I'm writing about, just in case those of you who read this gets a little confused at times.
To start off, it is hard for me to be very intimate with my significant other sometimes and this is because of my past. In middle school I had been forced to do sexual things with a boy that I soon regret even meeting him. I never had sex with him only just pleasured him. Then 3 years later I found out I was tested positive for herpes and it was from him but he won't get tested to confirm it because he is actually scared that its true.
Another reason why I can't be so intimate is because of my ex of 3 years. That relationship was emotional abusive and I never left because I thought he was the only one who could deal with me which wasn't true (thank god). During that relationship all he wanted was sex, even after the relationship ended he would just use me for sex. I had a male best friend that helped me get through the relationship and even after it, we had gotten really close. And I guess too close because one night he raped me. When I figured out he was trying to have sex with me, I immediately said no and tried to leave his house. He never listened and would just hold me down. I struggled and said no for about 30 minutes but I guess my body was just so tired of fighting back and it happened. I was in shock and cried on the drive home. I stopped talking to him after and he went out of the country for about 4 months. When he came back, I thought he would be a different and better person (which is stupid of me because no one can change that quickly) and maybe I would just get passed what had happened, but no. The day I reunited with him, he tried it again. But I knew I wouldn't let it happen this time and it didn't. As I drove off I had a panic attack because I let myself get trapped into that situation again and so finally I decided he needed to just be out of my life. Once he noticed our disconnection he wanted to know why or if anything was going on and I told him what happened, that he raped me and how I felt about it. His response was that he thought we were just having fun... But how? If I said no the whole time and kept pushing him away from me.
After that incident, I stopped talking to most of my guy friends and stopped dating for maybe about a year. I was scared to be around men and even my step father. I hated being home alone with him so I would just go to cafes but then there were more strangers there.
I did start to get lonely and was attracted to someone who was in my organization so I became friends with him. Soon we started dating and within 2 months he wanted to have sex but never consulted me about it. One day we were making out and he just started trying to touch me and i would push his hands away but that would only make him more aggressive. I was starting to panic because I kept getting flashbacks of being raped again and I guess he could see that I was about to cry so he stopped and left me alone. After I had my alone time, I told him about what happened to me and apologized. We dated for 8 months, be he was away in the marines for a while. When he came back to visit the last time, he broke it off and giving me no reason why.
After a year, I became friends with someone from a different organization. During this friendship I was still very scared and had no trust in men at all. But this friend was very kind and helpful and actually helped me become happy again. I started to date him and is still dating him now, we are a couple months from 1 year. I am comfortable to go out again by myself. I didn't feel so much anxiety when lots of men were around anymore but then one day someone was started catcalling me. I didn't think much about it kept happening more and more I went out. I also had started a new job at a restaurant, and not surprisingly, one of the chefs one night decided to talk to me. He kept saying how beautiful I was every time we passed by each other. Then the end of the night came, we were all cleaning up and I had to go dump out something in the back alley and he was there. For some apparent reason he thought it was okay to start making kissing noises at me and walking towards me. I went back inside and my heart was beating so fast, I felt so uncomfortable once again. Luckily my boyfriend was working the same night with me and calmed me down and told me to report it to our manager to do something about it and he did. Now none of them know now to talk to any of the employees like that.
This past week, I had random encounters at different places of men talking to me. Its not small talk or anything, they are trying to be flirting with me. But a few days ago around noon, I was out walking my dogs when I saw this blue pickup truck pass by. I thought nothing of it. When I started walking back to my house later, I saw that he had made a complete u-turn and actually pulled up right beside me. He asked where the nearest Walmart was and I responded very short and simple that it was just down the freeway and pointing in the direction. When I looked back at him he said yeah thanks. But his eyes were wandering all over my body and I noticed that he had his penis out and was jacking off while talking to me. I left. As soon as I got back in my house I started crying. Crying because I have had too many encounters this past week that I could handle and that man was the last straw of it. I kept crying because I thought back through all the things that had happened to me and wondered why. I felt so hopeless because there is nothing I could do to prevent it from happening again. Throughout the day, all I could think about was that man. Why did he have to stop by me? Does he do this all the time? What if he has family members that have encounters like this too, don't you worry about that? That night I couldn't sleep, all I could think about was my life. I didn't want to leave my house anymore. I didn't want to have to go to work anymore. I just didn't want to have to see anymore men besides my family and my boyfriend, I wanted to avoid everyone else. But the next day came by and that man was still the top of my mind. And now it's today, he still hasn't left. I walk my dogs 4 times a day and the last time I saw a pickup truck pull up right close to me again and I got scared. I ran back inside and looked through the window to see what the man inside was doing here but he was just a pizza delivery man.
I don't know if I just have a fear of men now but my whole life experience is now very affected by them and sometimes it gets hard to get through some days I am on here now because I have no clue what to do anymore, I want help but without having to go to a therapist because I hate going to them. My boyfriend and certain friends aren't very helpful even if they try but they don't understand how I feel or what I have experienced. So please, I just want some feedback/advice on what to do or what any of you have done to get pass something like this, thank you.
To start off, it is hard for me to be very intimate with my significant other sometimes and this is because of my past. In middle school I had been forced to do sexual things with a boy that I soon regret even meeting him. I never had sex with him only just pleasured him. Then 3 years later I found out I was tested positive for herpes and it was from him but he won't get tested to confirm it because he is actually scared that its true.
Another reason why I can't be so intimate is because of my ex of 3 years. That relationship was emotional abusive and I never left because I thought he was the only one who could deal with me which wasn't true (thank god). During that relationship all he wanted was sex, even after the relationship ended he would just use me for sex. I had a male best friend that helped me get through the relationship and even after it, we had gotten really close. And I guess too close because one night he raped me. When I figured out he was trying to have sex with me, I immediately said no and tried to leave his house. He never listened and would just hold me down. I struggled and said no for about 30 minutes but I guess my body was just so tired of fighting back and it happened. I was in shock and cried on the drive home. I stopped talking to him after and he went out of the country for about 4 months. When he came back, I thought he would be a different and better person (which is stupid of me because no one can change that quickly) and maybe I would just get passed what had happened, but no. The day I reunited with him, he tried it again. But I knew I wouldn't let it happen this time and it didn't. As I drove off I had a panic attack because I let myself get trapped into that situation again and so finally I decided he needed to just be out of my life. Once he noticed our disconnection he wanted to know why or if anything was going on and I told him what happened, that he raped me and how I felt about it. His response was that he thought we were just having fun... But how? If I said no the whole time and kept pushing him away from me.
After that incident, I stopped talking to most of my guy friends and stopped dating for maybe about a year. I was scared to be around men and even my step father. I hated being home alone with him so I would just go to cafes but then there were more strangers there.
I did start to get lonely and was attracted to someone who was in my organization so I became friends with him. Soon we started dating and within 2 months he wanted to have sex but never consulted me about it. One day we were making out and he just started trying to touch me and i would push his hands away but that would only make him more aggressive. I was starting to panic because I kept getting flashbacks of being raped again and I guess he could see that I was about to cry so he stopped and left me alone. After I had my alone time, I told him about what happened to me and apologized. We dated for 8 months, be he was away in the marines for a while. When he came back to visit the last time, he broke it off and giving me no reason why.
After a year, I became friends with someone from a different organization. During this friendship I was still very scared and had no trust in men at all. But this friend was very kind and helpful and actually helped me become happy again. I started to date him and is still dating him now, we are a couple months from 1 year. I am comfortable to go out again by myself. I didn't feel so much anxiety when lots of men were around anymore but then one day someone was started catcalling me. I didn't think much about it kept happening more and more I went out. I also had started a new job at a restaurant, and not surprisingly, one of the chefs one night decided to talk to me. He kept saying how beautiful I was every time we passed by each other. Then the end of the night came, we were all cleaning up and I had to go dump out something in the back alley and he was there. For some apparent reason he thought it was okay to start making kissing noises at me and walking towards me. I went back inside and my heart was beating so fast, I felt so uncomfortable once again. Luckily my boyfriend was working the same night with me and calmed me down and told me to report it to our manager to do something about it and he did. Now none of them know now to talk to any of the employees like that.
This past week, I had random encounters at different places of men talking to me. Its not small talk or anything, they are trying to be flirting with me. But a few days ago around noon, I was out walking my dogs when I saw this blue pickup truck pass by. I thought nothing of it. When I started walking back to my house later, I saw that he had made a complete u-turn and actually pulled up right beside me. He asked where the nearest Walmart was and I responded very short and simple that it was just down the freeway and pointing in the direction. When I looked back at him he said yeah thanks. But his eyes were wandering all over my body and I noticed that he had his penis out and was jacking off while talking to me. I left. As soon as I got back in my house I started crying. Crying because I have had too many encounters this past week that I could handle and that man was the last straw of it. I kept crying because I thought back through all the things that had happened to me and wondered why. I felt so hopeless because there is nothing I could do to prevent it from happening again. Throughout the day, all I could think about was that man. Why did he have to stop by me? Does he do this all the time? What if he has family members that have encounters like this too, don't you worry about that? That night I couldn't sleep, all I could think about was my life. I didn't want to leave my house anymore. I didn't want to have to go to work anymore. I just didn't want to have to see anymore men besides my family and my boyfriend, I wanted to avoid everyone else. But the next day came by and that man was still the top of my mind. And now it's today, he still hasn't left. I walk my dogs 4 times a day and the last time I saw a pickup truck pull up right close to me again and I got scared. I ran back inside and looked through the window to see what the man inside was doing here but he was just a pizza delivery man.
I don't know if I just have a fear of men now but my whole life experience is now very affected by them and sometimes it gets hard to get through some days I am on here now because I have no clue what to do anymore, I want help but without having to go to a therapist because I hate going to them. My boyfriend and certain friends aren't very helpful even if they try but they don't understand how I feel or what I have experienced. So please, I just want some feedback/advice on what to do or what any of you have done to get pass something like this, thank you.
