Relationship How Do I Handle This?

[Deleted member 27524]

Okay a little background first. My guy has PTSD, not myself!
I have this dilemma and I'm not sure how to approach it, so that's why I'm asking here.

We last spoke Thursday. We are long distance and were gonna get together this month and he seems really excited and happy. However he said now wasn't the time to tell me but he may have to go check on his dad back from his home state a few hours away that he wasn't doing well. He said he had to run for now he had a meeting and to "smile and be happy today". Last I've heard from him. I dunno whether he took off that night to go be with his father or what?

I have texted him but got no reply. This is where I don't know what to do. My thinking kicks into overdrive. Is he pulling away from me? Did he just go to see his father? Did his father pass away and he's hurting? Why couldn't he just send a simple text so I wouldn't worry and just let me know? He's not bad to do the whole "isolation" thing with me. He never stays out of contact with me. I'm not selfish, I'm just worried and I just wanna know how to approach this when/if he does text me. I can't imagine him walking away from me because I know he cares for me very much. It's just not like him to stay away.

How do I handle this situation? For me it just seems like courtesy to let me know he's okay so I don't worry but I know sometimes it's not simple.

 

[Jane.l]

I can't tell you how often this issue comes up for me and other people I know - for me it's just good manners to reply if someone texts or emails you - not just people you are close to - just anyone! I have a friend who does this all the time and no matter how much I point out that it worries me and I think he has come to a sticky end - he just doesn't get it - but the thing is when he does show back up I am so damn pleased to see him and so relieved it's really hard to be mad at his fairly lame excuses .

Of course it could be a genuine emergency - I would leave him a txt saying you are worried and will be there when he's ready - and then totally back off and let him come to you.

It's a horrible feeling - hope he gets in touch soon

 

[nursenurse]

Think long and hard with a long distance relationship. To me, you are already doubting him, maybe rightfully so, maybe not. Hard to tell. Have you met before? Is he a cad, or is he genuinely involved with his father's health issues?

The willingness to accept lame excuses, @Jane.l, is not the sign of a healthy relationship. PTSD or not, these partners have to be on board in a relationship. To accept anything less than the truth, and a quality truth at that, sets your boundaries for future behaviours relatively low. And may ensure heartache and failure. You will only elicit the behaviour and treatment that you feel you deserve. Sadly it may not be the treatment you really deserve as a human being.

Good luck to you both, remember to protect your hearts.

 

[Justmehere]

I would suggest picking up the phone and calling him. Then you can ask him how he would like you to handle it and how to tell the difference between him needing space and an emergency.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Well I didn't call in case his father passed and it's a bad time but I did tell him I was worried and I didn't know what to think really but if he had a change of heart just to tell me. It's just really not like him.He's a very genuine guy.He seemed so eager to see me though.I'm bracing I guess for the worst.He never does this.

 

[bell]

After dealing with someone who didn't respond for a long time, I finally woke up; I hope you will, too.

No matter what they have, if they can't get back to you most of the time, they're not ready for a relationship and you deserve someone who is.

As for friends who don't get back to me, if they don't respond to emails or texts that are time sensitive repeatedly, I leave them be (and focus on the people who are getting back to me) and sometimes, let them go.

We all deserve people in our lives who want us in their own lives.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

I agree with you @bell. I have said to him "I don't matter to you". He replied "that's completely not true". (This was a conversation weeks ago) Yet here I sit wondering, worrying and completely confused. He promised he wouldn't just disappear like all the horror stories I'd told him about. Does it not even occur to him that I'd be worried? To me it's just common sense but I just dunno. I'm sorta in shock right now I guess.

 

[bell]

Sometimes you have to let them go and either hit rock bottom or see you have the self worth to care enough for yourself to stand up to it.

Yes, he cares, but he may not be able to give you what you need and deserve.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Today starts day three and not hearing a word from him. I feel so confused. This goes against the caring man who I grew to love so much. He'd never just abandon me without a word. I know when he went on vacation with his family (parents, daughter) back a few months ago I didn't hear from him for seven days. I wasn't angry at him because I knew his dad had been sick and he needed to focus all his energy on just enjoying those precious memories with him. I heard from him the very night he got back home. However this time I'm just not sure where he is. He said he "might" have to go check on his father but I didn't know if that meant immediately or not.

He's never lied to me, not once even on the hard stuff. I just can not believe he'd just walk away silently after all this time. It's just the cowardly way to do things and he's far from a coward that I do know. Maybe I'm paranoid? Two days isn't a long time but yes given I hear from him multiple times every day does make me worry. I have to believe that something happened or he's focusing on his dad at the moment, but he'd never ever hurt me like this.

Trying so hard to keep the faith.

 

[bell]

Three days is, in a word, nothing. Try three weeks or three months.

If you are this tangled up in knots after three days, then this may not be the right path for you. If you are this hurt after three days, then you may have an especially long road ahead of you.

PTSD is hella tough. People often isolate for weeks and sometimes months.

It doesn't matter how often they usually contact you... This is PTSD. There is no "usual" with this disorder. There are just good period and bad periods.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Well I've been in his life 2 years. So I've seen it rear it's ugly head just not for over a year. We have gotten super close lately and he's been so affectionate. I wasn't prepared for it is all. I love him more than anything so I'm just trying to lay low and keep the faith.Ty for your advice....

 

[Glara]

I'm going through the same thing right now. I've known my partner for over 30 years. We were on and off again when we were young and reconnected again many years ago through social media. He's always been long distance and when things go wrong for him he withdraws. There's a side to him that's so painfully raw and vulnerable, but he hides it very well. We had our recent time together and it started well but a few things happened, not related to he and I, that made it go bad. Since I got home he has developed some physical health issues as well. And I'm losing him a again. I just have to focus on my own life and try not to think about him. Fortunately for me I'm going on vacation which will be a very good distraction.

That's all I can suggest to you. You've let him know how you feel and that you're there. There's not much more you can do. It's very hard to be on that roller coaster, but it's got to be so much worse for him. I'm on here so that I have an outlet for when he withdraws. I come on here and sometimes feel like I'm whining like a baby, but most if the time I get very thoughtful and compassionate responses. It helps me keep my head straight in the real world. I guess you just have to learn how to turn off your sadness. It's not easy, but for me the highs are worth the lows because of what an awesome person he is.