Relationship How Do I Make Others Understand?

[Lady Rig]

I'm having the hardest time with my friends and my mother when it comes to my husband's PTSD. They just don't get it. My husband was diagnosed just over a week ago. When I try and explain that now there's a diagnosis and a reason for his previous bad behavior I'm getting increasingly frustrated by their lack of, I don't know, understanding. My husband is not a veteran, he had a traumatic experience as a child when he saw his mom get run over.

My mom said, "Oh my God! Why doesn't he just GET OVER IT?!"

I tried to explain to her that it's not that easy, but she pretty much told me I was dumb for staying with him after all he's done.

My friends aren't being very supportive of my decision to stay and help him through it either. I have 3 very good friends. One is angry at me for staying, the next is totally apathetic, and the last at least listens when I need her, but she doesn't approve.

Can anyone give me some ideas of how to help make them understand? I've suggested that they all read up on it, but I don't think anyone has. I'm tired of defending my choice, which I feel like I constantly have to- especially with the angry friend and my mom.

 

[Magdalene]

As someone who spent 25 years of her life with a man who certainly had a family history and medical history that would explain all his bad behavior, I know it is not possible for someone to 'just get over it.'

I also know that your mom can understand the relationship between ptsd and his bad behavior and still believe it is a bad choice for your life to stay. I have no crystal ball. Maybe yours could be a beautiful story of commitment, rebirth, and depth. Or it could be a sad and common story of a woman who allows herself to be abused for decades by a man who will work hard to keep her attached to him but not work hard to become a better person for her.

I'd say - don't try to get your friends or mom to understand anything. Tell them you understand that they are tired and worried and unhappy and that you are still making a different choice. Tell them you love them and are glad for them in your life. Then talk about something else.

<Please remember to capitalize the first letter of each sentence. Thanks, Amethist>

 

[jeeps for now]

Most people do not understand PTSD, if anyone really does. In the end, it is this misunderstanding that thwarts a traumatized person's recovery the most. I would venture to guess that your mom and specified friends are taking the attitude "there is no excuse for his (negative) behavior". At the least, there may be no excuse that they will accept ?? It may be your friends/mom that won't "get over it".

There is good news here: Your husband/therapist are both aware of the beginnings of his PTSD. This knowledge may be a positive landmark point, from which he may be able to eventually recover quite fully. I would suggest to give your husband some 'therapy time' with this, before making abrupt decisions regarding your relationship. Get involved yourself in therapy, should the occassion arise.

The best news I see is that your own support and caring about his situation can ultimately lead to a much stronger/loving relationship down the road. If your husband can heal from this, he will remember and respect you for a long time. Like my dad used to say "a little kindness goes a long way"..

 

[Lady Rig]

Thanks guys. He/we are at the beginning of our journey. It's just hard to not get the support you're used to from friends and family. He is making a comittment to change himself and his behavior, which is the only reason I'm sticking around. If he wasn't and was still acting out even with a diagnosis and treatment, not giving it his all, I wouldn't be taking his crap. I'm really hoping we come out of this stronger and better than ever. I know life isn't a fairytale with a perfect ending, but I'm hoping for healing.

Magdalene, thanks for the advice to thank them for their caring and that I'm still making this choice. I've just been angry at them so far for "abandoning" me when I needed them. It does sometimes feel like I need to get friends who have walked this path. At least I can sound off to them and be able to get some "been there done that" wisdom. hahaha

jeeps, I think you're right that they won't accept his PTSD as an excuse. I'm not really looking at it as an excuse for his behavior, but more as an explanation for it. I'm still hurt and angry at what he's done, but I feel like now there's a reason and not just him being a jerk. That's what I'm having a hard time getting across.

Reading both your comments makes me fel better. I've been trying to get my loved ones to "understand" and I suppose give me their approval. For what reason I'm not really sure of now that I think about it. I have to do what I think is best for me and my family, and I guess if it doesn't work out and he doesn't get better, then at least I tried and can endure the "I told you so's" I'll inevitably be hearing. It's not their job to approve, it's their job to be there for me when I need them. Thanks both!

 

[OKRADLAK]

Most people who do not have it do not understand it. Some try! And some eventually get it. Those who want to read a lot and be around it. It takes time and dedication.

 

[Toria]

Hi Lady Rig, I think you've had some great advice. It is an incredibly hard illness to understand - if your husband had his leg in plaster and was getting frustrated because he couldn't walk upstairs then your family and friends would understand. But because they cannot see what is going on inside his mind then they are struggling to believe that his actions are symptoms. Could you maybe look at it this way... your friends and family are not supporting you BECAUSE they love you - warped I know - but they are looking out for you and your wellbeing. Could you get them to read one of the books on the recommended reading list? There are ones for families and it may just help them to see what you are going through and dealing with on a daily basis. Best of luck

 

[Lady Rig]

I can always try and suggest they read one of the books. Whether or not they will... Can you recommed one that was helpful? There's a few on the list. The funny thing is, the friend that's so angry at me is a nursing student who is about two years from getting her LPN degree. I thought she of them all would know what we're going through, or at least be familiar with it, but she maintains that I'm stupid for staying. Whatever. I can lead a horse to water but I guess I can't make it drink, as frustrating as that is!

 

[ISupportHer]

Lady Rig, I think that what you are saying really illustrates why sufferers don't disclose much. If it's hard for us, imagine how the sufferer feels when people basically turn their back.

Having said that, I totally get what you are saying. The thing I think of first is that it is not my secret to tell. In my situation anyway, I know that my wife is fearful of others knowing. And I mean flat out fear, terror, not just a concern. So I have NOT told anyone without checking in with her. My parents, our daughters, etc know. Unfortunately, loose lips sink ships and there are others that know from the spouses.

Yes there are some books. The ones I know of are related to sexual abuse.

ISH

 

[IvyMillie]

I had tried to reach out to a couple of people about my husband's PTSD, but they just didn't understand it. I think it is something people can't understand unless they have the patience to. I didn't want people to think that I was talking bad about my husband--I needed them to understand that I needed help to cope.

I have a friend in an abusive relationship (not PTSD related) and she went around telling people about all that he did to her. Everyone formed an opinion about him. She left him, but then went back to him. Now she is having his child. She can't understand why everyone thinks he is so bad? She told them he was a bad guy. People only take the surface of things. I never thought he was a bad guy, as I've really learned not to judge people.

So your family isn't able to look beyond the surface, and they are concerned about you. Also, they don't see all the intricacies of your relationship. They probably aren't able to see how much you appreciate him trying to get help.

Nowadays people tend to get classified too quickly into some kind of box. I think it has made people less understanding of other people and what they are going through.

Do you think it would be possible for you to cope without their support? Can you find support elsewhere? It might just take them time. Recently, one of my relatives finally took the time to understand what I was dealing with after 20 years. So I guess if you can make it without your family for now, in time they might come around.

I think it's great you are sticking with your husband. I hope much for you. I know it's not easy, but it's really nice of you to give him a chance.

 

[Tinyflame]

ISH, I would 'like' your post 25 times if I could.
-Thank you- you do understand.

 

[Lady Rig]

IvyMillie, I know their problem is listening to me complain about the last six years of his anger issues, and then 3 months ago finding out about infidelity (all before he got his diagnosis). This has definitely colored their thinking towards him. It's unfortunate that they can't look past their anger. It's disappointing, but it is what it is.

I had a really great session with my therapist today where she told me I basically need to tell my friends the next time they get grumpy with me to just be quiet about it. I'm not looking for their feedback, I'm looking for someone to listen, and that's it. And when they won't listen, it makes me feel isolated. That's not a conversation I look forward to having with them, but if they don't like it, then I guess they weren't my friend to begin with, not truly.

I've learned that friendship is about give and take. I've been the giver in almost all my friendships, and now it's my turn to do some taking and get what I need from them instead of the other way around.

And if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: This forum is so wonderful! Thanks everyone for your feedback and support! :inlove: