How do you connect with and process repressed anger?

[Friday]

or direct it into smashing things up and yelling - the worse it got.

This drives me INSANE when people recommend screaming into or hitting pillows & other total loss of control practice. So then what does someone do the next time?!? Exactly. As. They’ve. Been. Training. Themselves. To. Do. Lose control and lash out wildly.

The turning point - learning to harness the anger. For me, that was boxing, but things like martial arts work brilliantly as well. Refine it, aim it, that ability to turn it on and off helped translate outside of training on the bag/pads. Because it wasn’t just uncontrolled smashing things up and sticking my fist through the wall again. It was directing it, learning to use it as a skill, learning when to hold it back, and when to let it all go.

And this, right here? Is the cure. The RIGHT answer. Learning control.

 

[katz]

I was just Informed that I have angered everyone in my husband's family. He told me that I have been getting more angry over the years.
--I don't know if our marriage will make it...

 

[Freddyt]

And this, right here? Is the cure. The RIGHT answer. Learning control.

.....because losing control and hitting breaking smashing is a childhood reaction - because they don't know how to control that anger. Spent lots of time on this with my T and its interesting how it works but really in the end? Letting it loose and smashing etc, is really one of the worst things you can do.

 

[OliveJewel]

This drives me INSANE when people recommend screaming into or hitting pillows & other total loss of control practice.

Letting it loose and smashing etc, is really one of the worst things you can do.

For a person who is collapsed and allows anyone shit all over them? Getting them to stand up is an accomplishment let alone hit something. For someone who speaks in whispers? Getting them to speak with a voice let alone yell is a victory. I understand why you would be against teaching others to smash and yell, I imagine you might see yourself or people you know letting it get out of control.

But there are rarely universals for behavioral modification. I was someone who needed to learn what happens when anger comes out in a controlled way rather than turning it inward, I had to learn what it meant to externalize anger safely. And because I was working with very young parts it was suggested by my T to allow them to express it in the way they would—without hurting myself or others. I never did hit my bed, although I did smash a teapot once and did yell in my car. And I still internalize anger, but not as badly—maybe I need to finally try that hitting the bed exercise next time instead of self harming when I feel angry!

 

[Freddyt]

For a person who is collapsed and allows anyone shit all over them? Getting them to stand up is an accomplishment let alone hit something. For someone who speaks in whispers? Getting them to speak with a voice let alone yell is a victory. I understand why you would be against teaching others to smash and yell, I imagine you might see yourself or people you know letting it get out of control.

I see that as a purposeful use of anger, not just a spree of letting anger take over.

More like learning to express anger in a safe way rather than letting it run wild until you are exhausted.

 

[katz]

.....because losing control and hitting breaking smashing is a childhood reaction - because they don't know how to control that anger. Spent lots of time on this with my T and its interesting how it works but really in the end? Letting it loose and smashing etc, is really one of the worst things you can do.

I've never done any of those things. I have not even raised my voice and yelled at anyone. But, he can see my anger.

 

[_-yeah_nah-_]

I curious to hear how others have managed to connect with anger that you have repressed all your life, and process it and let it go. If you felt able to share your story?

I think I am ready to tackle this now, and that I need to for my healing journey. For me, I repressed so many emotions growing up. The message was clear: do not have emotions. Do not express them. I have no right to any of them. And if I did (dare to, or make the mistake to) express them, I was wrong about all of it and that was expressed in a number of ways to reinforce the message not to have emotions.
So I have very ingrained ways of thinking about expressing emotions.

I think I have just made the connection that expressing emotion (like anger, but also distress) in an uncontrolled way, (i.e just letting the feeling come and letting it out how it presents itself) is different to it being 'uncontrolable'. I.e. nothing terrible will happen. So that feels important.

So if you feel able to share your experiences, I'm very keen to hear and learn.

Honestly mate, for me, it wasn't the therapy.
It was Noise cancelling headphones + the drug cocktail, time invested on myself. Without that I'd be dead or in jail.
Get yourself some Noise cancelling headphones with the right tunes learn how to use them to focus/center your emotions.
I really found this helped me, deal.
I think it's important to understand when you have gone awhile without feeling, or maybe a long while when you start actually letting yourself feel things, things can and most likely will get out of control. I have a tip, before you start undergoing this healing/feeling trip I suggest you find one thing/project, it can be anything anything at all. But once you find it I want you to focus on it, like really focus on it. Plan it out in your mind all the things you want/need to do with it. And when things get bad which they will trust me.
Use this focus/project as a way to recenter yourself, and give you peace even if it's just temporary. It will help you deal as you come across challenges as we all do.
All you need to do is focus on it, the more you can do this when things are too much you hopefully and eventually will be in control of what you do when things become too much.
All the best

[reference to other thread removed]

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
@_-yeah_nah-_— stop advertising your posts in other members’ threads. Any questions, hit us up at Contact Us

 

[LeiaFlower]

For a person who is collapsed and allows anyone to shit all over them? Getting them to stand up is an accomplishment let alone hit something. For someone who speaks in whispers? Getting them to speak with a voice let alone yell is a victory. I understand why you would be against teaching others to smash and yell, I imagine you might see yourself or people you know letting it get out of control.

But there are rarely universals for behavioral modification. I was someone who needed to learn what happens when anger comes out in a controlled way rather than turning it inward, I had to learn what it meant to externalize anger safely. And because I was working with very young parts it was suggested by my T to allow them to express it in the way they would—without hurting myself or others. I never did hit my bed, although I did smash a teapot once and did yell in my car. And I still internalize anger, but not as badly—maybe I need to finally try that hitting the bed exercise next time instead of self harming when I feel angry!

When reading everyone’s post I found myself agreeing with everyone. I do see how someone who previously had issues with anger to the point of needing anger management wouldn’t advertise smashing and breaking things. As well as if their anger led to destruction of their personal property. Though I also see how when trained to internalize anger, expressing it externally through breaking things is in itself cathartic.

I don’t necessarily rely solely on research studies. I think it was found that 80% of those studies have some form of bias. This leads to unintentionally making it false. That isn’t to say we can’t learn from these studies because it does have some truth in them. But honestly it comes down to what works for you as an individual.

I relate to @Movingforward10 original post. I was only allowed to express positive emotions. Anger and sadness, especially the former, wasn’t allowed. It’s ironic, my parents gave themselves permission to evoke their anger on myself and my siblings without self control. But if we were to release our anger it lead to more physical abuse. I found personally doing something similar to @OliveJewel Moving that anger from self-loathing to an outward residence of healthy anger genuinely improved my way of thinking. The self critic still shows up but I’m able reason more with the inward anger before it spirals to suicidal ideations.

 

[Freddyt]

Right now, the reprocessing work I am doing is on anger. Outside my work on Trauma 1 this is the longest running and most difficult reprocessing job I have done.

I am extremely thankful I did all the work on other symptoms and learning to live with them everyday as this is really stressful and difficult. Functioning has been everywhere on the scale and goes from good to not great day to day or even hour to hour. It swings rapidly and symptoms can spike pretty quickly at times.

But to be rid of that anger? I will do it. Because I hate that "flash to anger" response when stressed.

 

[OliveJewel]

I was only allowed to express positive emotions. Anger and sadness, especially the former, wasn’t allowed. It’s ironic, my parents gave themselves permission to evoke their anger on myself and my siblings without self control. But if we were to release our anger it lead to more physical abuse.

Had a very similar experience; my dad was allowed to express rage at us but if we showed anger we were beaten. We were allowed to express cynicism and sadness, from which he got emotional supply. Fear and joy got us mocked and ridiculed.

 

[abovedown]

I was just Informed that I have angered everyone in my husband's family. He told me that I have been getting more angry over the years.
--I don't know if our marriage will make it...

Could a couple/family therapy be an option? It's seems kind of dramatic that you got a sudden announcement that 'you have angered everyone in my family' apparently without knowing it yourself. And based on your message I think you haven't done this on purpose. I wonder could talking to a neutral external party help to get more clarity on the matter?