How Do You Get Over a Toxic Ex?

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
@Nuance Your last post concerned me......because I had a similar situation I left....and when I did engage out of necessity, I only got hurt more....so I quickly learned to stay disengaged. You had no need to engage him......

So, why did you put yourself out there intentionally, knowing your open letters could start up or potentially increase the drama you say you are glad you left? .....and possibly decrease your safety if you piss him off enough? If he's running on the narcissistic or sociopathic end of the spectrum, and gets bored, you are a potential target and will be till he finds another suitable victim.....and if you are going to bait him......you haven't let go or checked those negative feelings that made you write (AND POST).....you could be setting yourself up for more drama, more pain, more hurt. Nothing you say to the man you describe in this thread, will change him......inflame him yeah....maybe, maybe make him feel more important cause you are taking your time to write about him........ and no matter what you write or say, he will interpret it the way that will make him feel the best, because he's all about control, manipulation and himself......as I read in your description.

Nothing you say to him will change the way you feel, or will right what is wrong. Leaving behind visible evidence....like in written post where he is likely to read it and respond.... keeps you connected with him? Is that what you want? What's the point....I got the impression he was a real dog........posting where he is likely to read something is a way for you to inflame him over and over.....it's there permanently and there forever....for him to go back to and loop on-I'd think your goal would be for him to forget you so you feel safe..........but connecting with him....... it could have dangerous consequences if he said he'd hurt you and you were really afraid of him. Consider moving on, considering he is ill, and consider living without drama and not connecting with him anymore in anyway....only then...can you be free of him and begin to put your past behind you. Lastly, consider writing letters, but not sending..... ............that is...........unless you are needing a drama fix.....in which case.....you must send to get that??? Your not done with him (IMHO) until you disconnect from him for good.....be well, stay safe.
 

Nuance

Learning
@Nuance Your last post concerned me......because I had a similar situation I left....and when I did engage out of necessity, I only got hurt more....so I quickly learned to stay disengaged. You had no need to engage him......

So, why did you put yourself out there intentionally, knowing your open letters could start up or potentially increase the drama you say you are glad you left? .....and possibly decrease your safety if you piss him off enough? If he's running on the narcissistic or sociopathic end of the spectrum, and gets bored, you are a potential target and will be till he finds another suitable victim.....and if you are going to bait him......you haven't let go or checked those negative feelings that made you write (AND POST).....you could be setting yourself up for more drama, more pain, more hurt. Nothing you say to the man you describe in this thread, will change him......inflame him yeah....maybe, maybe make him feel more important cause you are taking your time to write about him........ and no matter what you write or say, he will interpret it the way that will make him feel the best, because he's all about control, manipulation and himself......as I read in your description.

Nothing you say to him will change the way you feel, or will right what is wrong. Leaving behind visible evidence....like in written post where he is likely to read it and respond.... keeps you connected with him? Is that what you want? What's the point....I got the impression he was a real dog........posting where he is likely to read something is a way for you to inflame him over and over.....it's there permanently and there forever....for him to go back to and loop on-I'd think your goal would be for him to forget you so you feel safe..........but connecting with him....... it could have dangerous consequences if he said he'd hurt you and you were really afraid of him. Consider moving on, considering he is ill, and consider living without drama and not connecting with him anymore in anyway....only then...can you be free of him and begin to put your past behind you. Lastly, consider writing letters, but not sending..... ............that is...........unless you are needing a drama fix.....in which case.....you must send to get that??? Your not done with him (IMHO) until you disconnect from him for good.....be well, stay safe.
You're completely right. I was incredibly angry and I lashed out. Thank you for talking some sense into me.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Hi, yeah it's difficult. People who didn't go through this kind of relationship don't know how hard it is to break off. I also wrote enraged letters on the recent break up, but my ex is a different person. More on the lashing out stupidly, not much on the threatening vibe. I don't think he'd chase me but I feel I said what I had to say and that was enough for me. From time to time he reaches me out saying that I have dehumanised him because saying he was abusing and parasitic. Which, in all honesty, he was.

If you feel the need to lash out, write letters and don't send them. Vent. Cry. Scream. But no contact. So you get the energy and the anger out without enabling that person again; stay safe.

Hugs and courage through this 🦄
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
Hi, yeah it's difficult. People who didn't go through this kind of relationship don't know how hard it is to break off. I also wrote enraged letters on the recent break up, but my ex is a different person. More on the lashing out stupidly, not much on the threatening vibe. I don't think he'd chase me but I feel I said what I had to say and that was enough for me. From time to time he reaches me out saying that I have dehumanised him because saying he was abusing and parasitic. Which, in all honesty, he was.

If you feel the need to lash out, write letters and don't send them. Vent. Cry. Scream. But no contact. So you get the energy and the anger out without enabling that person again; stay safe.

Hugs and courage through this 🦄
Anything electronic will follow you, people keep that shit in a folder, and then years later.....they can show them to others to convey how crazy or ill-behaved we (the victim) is.....and rationalize why a divorce was necessary on their part. Sending feelings to a forum.....very different than to real people you know.....especially those who like to dehumanize....you are giving him amunition for another time.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Anything electronic will follow you, people keep that shit in a folder, and then years later.....they can show them to others to convey how crazy or ill-behaved we (the victim) is.....and rationalize why a divorce was necessary on their part. Sending feelings to a forum.....very different than to real people you know.....especially those who like to dehumanize....you are giving him amunition for another time.
@TruthSeeker I’m unsure of the target of what you’re saying here. You mean, having send emails is in itself a proof against yourself (in that case I fully agree)? Or do you mean if you write stuff for yourself lashing out alone in your privacy, but keep a folder that is suspect to be read later (or hacked)?

I do agree that the only total secure level is total silence. But what a place.

However I don’t know for you, but I have had my ex going through my diaries from time to time (handwritten as well) and used it as ammunition against me, indeed. Stuff that I said as well. Anything works. The feeling of exposure is horrible and it prompts you to keep silent and secretive, which means you aren’t expressing your rage at your perpetrator and actually it worsens the stress because you’re internalizing whatever was their morals of control. In my eyes the act of writing is also a way to get out of the internalized control of the abuser.

This is where I do think that despite it might be triggering (unless it’s information about you that you don’t want to disclose anyway), it is still important to maintain these buffer spaces to completely lash out even if it’s for writing shit. At least it goes somewhere. Eventually you can throw it away. I have now a folder full of "Dear D., …", entirely devoted to all the letters I furiously wrote and then that was it.

Sometimes I read them again, and I still think I was right on most things. I like to keep it in check as to compare to reality: Was that that bad—Yes. Was rage an appropriate response?—Yes. Was it proportionate?—Yes. The answers to everyone on this checklist may vary, but the good thing with writing is that you can go back to it and review your feelings in the then and in the now.

Of course everything has to be balanced with the level of risk of writing. I was speaking in the case of not being in the reach of retaliation anymore.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
@TruthSeeker I’m unsure of the target of what you’re saying here. You mean, having send emails is in itself a proof against yourself (in that case I fully agree)? Or do you mean if you write stuff for yourself lashing out alone in your privacy, but keep a folder that is suspect to be read later (or hacked)?

I do agree that the only total secure level is total silence. But what a place.

However I don’t know for you, but I have had my ex going through my diaries from time to time (handwritten as well) and used it as ammunition against me, indeed. Stuff that I said as well. Anything works. The feeling of exposure is horrible and it prompts you to keep silent and secretive, which means you aren’t expressing your rage at your perpetrator and actually it worsens the stress because you’re internalizing whatever was their morals of control. In my eyes the act of writing is also a way to get out of the internalized control of the abuser.

This is where I do think that despite it might be triggering (unless it’s information about you that you don’t want to disclose anyway), it is still important to maintain these buffer spaces to completely lash out even if it’s for writing shit. At least it goes somewhere. Eventually you can throw it away. I have now a folder full of "Dear D., …", entirely devoted to all the letters I furiously wrote and then that was it.

Sometimes I read them again, and I still think I was right on most things. I like to keep it in check as to compare to reality: Was that that bad—Yes. Was rage an appropriate response?—Yes. Was it proportionate?—Yes. The answers to everyone on this checklist may vary, but the good thing with writing is that you can go back to it and review your feelings in the then and in the now.

Of course everything has to be balanced with the level of risk of writing. I was speaking in the case of not being in the reach of retaliation anymore.

@ruborcoraxxx Your post stated you were enraged, and sent those letters....and that you said some pretty nasty things in anger....-and don't regret saying what you said.....because from your perspective it was true.

Anything you write in anger and send to someone you are at odds with, will likely be rude.....or could be taken as threatening or demoralizing. Furthermore, the wrong person may retaliate. Having a personal online journal to write your feelings in is one thing and generally safe if you are anonymous...having a journal others can access........dumb....if they are the nosey type...........Writing your feelings online in a safe anonymous space is a smart thing to do. Sending or keeping in paper copy/ home file is another matter because if you get sick or die......your friends/family goes through your shit and finds stuff you wrote a while back....but interprets that you feel that way now............so be cautious with what you do with it. It can come back to cause you intense drama if you aren't careful. Narcissistic kinds of folk wlll use stuff like that to keep animosity going for years..... then post/give it to other family members at an opportune time to stir up stuff. It is one thing to think something, another to hit send............
 
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