How Do You Know Where To Begin In Therapy?

[arcc14]

I've been seeing a therapist since January, but we have only dealt with my current stress/situational issues to overcome an acute depressive episode. Now that my life has settled down a little bit (sort of), I would like to address my traumas with her. I feel my history is at the root of all my current problems anyway, so I may as well solve the real problem. But how do you know where to begin?

I've thought about just saying that I want to start at the beginning of my life and walk through everything with her. And then let her help me figure out how to get over it. I know get over it is probably inappropriate and naive terminology, but like I said on another thread, I'm new to all of this. Anyway, the problem with that idea is that I've never actually told my story and especially not from beginning to end. In fact, my memories are disjointed as if I made myself stop recording certain things, so I don't know if I can even tell her what all happened at all or if that's even necessary or helpful. And whenever I've tried to tell anyone anything about my traumas in the past, I just shut down. I am literally incapable of linear thought and speech when I've been asked certain questions. For example, my ex boyfriend asked me on three separate occasions how many guys I'd been with. I have no idea how to answer that question. And when I tried, I just got stuck in weird circles in my head or nothing at all in my head and I could not speak. At some point, he guessed three, and I snapped out of it enough to nod. It's not three. Or is it? Who all counts? Consensual/non-consensual? What acts count? And if I didn't choose but was forced to act, does that count? And what about the situation in which I blacked out. I know what happened, but don't remember. Or do I even know what happened? Yes, I remember when it was over and what that felt like, but I'm really confused... I don't know. Dang it, I'm doing the same thing. So you see my problem. A simple question is not so simple a question. I can't just make a list of traumatic experiences and resolve them one by one because I get stuck in loops instead of lines.... So I don't think this will work. But I'm not sure how else to do it.

So the other possibility is that I stick to the present. The problem with that is that my life is really a mess, and I don't want to continue dealing with surface problems instead of getting to the root of why I'm in certain situations to begin with. I'm actually living under the same roof as someone who has sexually abused me for years and still tries (though I'm 27 now, not 13, so it's at least a bit more challenging for him). Hmm. Maybe this is the place to start. Also, I checked myself into the psych hospital last week in an attempt to feel safe from this person and to keep myself from killing myself so this person could not hurt me. It worked. (Clearly, as I am not typing from beyond the grave.) I felt great in the hospital behind all those locked doors. I actually slept for 6-7 hours straight each night. I could not even fathom that I had been so close to suicide a few days earlier. I don't feel like that suicidal, emotional, perpetual victim is even me at all, but I guess this is an issue for another thread.

So how did you guys begin discussions of trauma with a therapist? I really need some guidance.

 

[Srain]

You could print off what you just typed and take it and go from there if you want. That could be a great starter.
You could also just ask your tdoc.

I'm glad you are feeling better, nobody should have to feel that unsafe, but I am intimately familiar with that fear.
Peace to you.
Rain

 

[arcc14]

Thanks, Rain! That's a good idea to print this out. It seems like I start asking questions and explaining things on this forum, and before I've even finished the post, things feel clearer. I've saved a lot of my posts to my computer because I feel like I keep having aha moments. :)

 

[ronin47]

Just start by talking about what you remember. The way I did it was I would talk about something that I was having trouble with in the present and add on, "In the back of my head I could hear my dad's voice telling me so and so." You know, stuff like that. Maybe you could do it as kind of a team effort, you could share as much as you want with telling your story from start to finish, and she could weed out the parts that she thinks are most relevant to your trauma.

Just a few ideas.

 

[ritchwitch]

To be honest, I think the approach is different for everyone. I think that the thing to remember is that you are there to deal with your problems and (more importantly) the therapist is there to help you deal with those problems - this also means helping you find a way to talk about them. The starting point is always the hard part. I agree with the suggestion of printing out your post, as it gives a great insight into how you're feeling/what you want.

Also, just sharing a bit of my story. I found that writing down the thoughts running around in my head helped to "lessen the traffic". I used to get stuck in loops all the time, for simple enough questions like what did you do yesterday? My traffic was probably different because my issues come from a different source... this probably goes without saying. Anyway, what I'm offering to you is the knowledge that writing the loops down, helped me to stop doing this (all the time, harder questions can still get me sometimes). I'm not saying that it will work for you but, hey, this forum's all about sharing, right?

I had a few rules though - set by my counsellor
1. What is written is done so with the intention of noone else seeing it.
2. The writing is limited to a 10 minute time-block scheduled into the day, but happens every day
3. Where it is written should be available only for that task. I used a notebook that a couple of friends gave me for my birthday when I first started having problems. They never knew what I used it for.
4. I never re-read anything I have written more than 7 days ago (this was my rule, not the counsellor's)

I now don't need to do this every day but I still pull the notebook out every now and then and jot some things down.

Good luck!