So there’s a complex emotional biochemical very human-species type thing that happens when people are under great degrees of stress.
On the healthy-ish side of the spectrum you find the brothers-in-arms, strangers coming together to help each other during earthquakes/fires/medical emergencies/etc., times of grief & mourning, times of great celebration, etc. Links form very easily, deeply, and fast when the pressure is very very high. Most of those examples are going to be catastrophic, but the thrilling side is important to note, too (it’s part of why people falling in love, or rekindling love, tend towards doing BIG exciting things, together. Creating a situation, on purpose or on accident, that brings them closer. But bad things work “better” than good. More on that on the other end of the spectrum.)
In the more neutral middle you’ll find a metric ton of academic studies that show time and time again thay how “attractive” a stranger is, is in direct proportion to how dangerous the situation is. Crossing a rope bridge? The cute girl rates an 8. In the library? Same girl is an average 6. (As rated by the few hundred people they polled on the other side of the bridge after they’d crossed it, passing the girl in the middle of it). It’s an across the board rating, both sexes all genders, are simply more attractive -to everyone else- when the observer is doing something intense.
Down on the seriously f*cked up side of the spectrum you have something known as “trauma bonding” (also true on the healthy-ish side of the spectrum when things around you are bad, but it’s not the person themselves causing it). This is one of the reasons why abusive relationships are so hard to leave. The bonds and connections forged during trauma? Are unlike virtually any other kind of bond/connection. It’s relatively easy for most people to understand how those bonds can form in long term abusive relationships (domestic violence, prisoner/captor, abusive parent, etc.), but that they can snap into place in virtually no time whatsoever (Stockholm syndrome, as an example) tends to make most people boggle.
The “ish” in healthy-ish? Is in 2 parts. Firstly, the spectrum of relationships forged in -or deeply affected by- trauma? Is more of a ring or loop than bell curve. Secondly, people bond to other people in trauma regardless of the source of it. The person themselves or the situation they’re in. Just because the trauma isn’t caused by the person themselves (like in DV) but by the situation (like combat or an earthquake) doesn’t mean that person is a good-healthy- wanted person in your life. They can be someone you DESPISE, but still feel a deep connection to. Or it can be one sided, like the classic Florence Nightengale phenomenon, where patients fall in love with the person who’s saved their life... even though the doc/nurse/rescue worker/cop/etc. doesn’t share or return those feelings.
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So, yeah. It not only makes sense that you feel a deep connection with your ex... but it’s also a very normal kind of response. Doesn’t mean it’s healthy/wanted. Just very very normal. Our hearts & minds do that when our life is under threat, regardless of whether the other person is really deserving of that kind of bond or regard. Or whether we want to be bonded to them.
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For the people I don’t WANT tied to me? But are? I kinda/sorta group them in my head as “People who were important to me, once.” It recognizes that the bond is still there, whilst also capping it. SOME of the people I went through trauma with are still damn important to me, and probably will be until I die. I have a very short list of people I would be arranging a babysitter as I’m on the way to the airport if they ever called needing me. That level of importantance. Drop -almost- everything, and go. Now. A longer list of people that I would make sure my life is taken care of before heading to the airport (kids sorted, job to return to, bills paid, etc.)... I wouldn’t drop everything to be there, but I would still move heaven and earth to be. And then the list of “People who were important to me once.” I won’t come if they call. I won’t change my life for them. I may WANT to, but I actively choose not to.
