Relationship How It Started.

[MoeX]

I really need to get this off my chest. Heres my story...
I met him when he had just gotten out of the military. He is 7 years younger than me. number. We talked on the phone and text back and fourth for a couple weeks and finally decided to meet up at a mutual friends house. Needless to say when we met at the door I was done for. I was instantly drawn to him and something in me knew that he was IT for me.

In the begining everything seemed fine. I did notice that he was sometimes forgetfull. I had to remind him that we had plans or of things we had talked about. He drank often with our mutual friend and would sometimes pop pills. He was very affectionate with me and good with my daughter. We spent a lot of time together. He always seemed hesistant to get into a commited relatinship though. We would make plans to see each other and he would cancel by telling me he was sick. I figured that he just wasnt really in to me and for my own good I started to let it be even though it really hurt. Then I found out I was pregnant.

He would go days with out calling or checking on me. I would text and it would take hours for a responce and he was still dealing with headaches, stomach and back problmes. I found out throught FB that he was going out and drinking a lot.

Our daughter was born in April. He became so attentive to the both of us. Told me that he wanted to try to have a serious relationship with me. I agreed and he stopped drinking for our daughters sake. At this point he was staying at his dads house and me with my mom. He decided to go to school since he was having a hard time finding a job. At school he started noticing that he was having issues paying attention and sitting through class. Around this time I found out that he wasnt sleeping much at night, he started missing class cause he was sleeping all day. Then one day he told me that he needed to admit that something was wrong. That he knew it and was tired of pretending to everyone that he was okay.

We tried living together and I now I see how this effects him. He doesnt sleep very well, wakes up multiple times a night. Withdraws and hides in our room for days at a time. Will not leave the house. Still forgets what we talk about. Now has chronic headaches and backaches. Looses his temper easily. Sometimes I feel as if the only reason he talks to me is because Im in front of him. He and my older daughter argue when he's in his moods. The hardest part for me is wondering if he even wants me. He has not once said he loves me. Ever. He says he appreciates me, Im his other half, cant imagine being with out me, that I matter to him, Im his family, he wants me. But cant say he loves me. Makes me feel crazy for staying.

I wont go into any more detail right now as this is already long as it is. If you made it this far thanks for reading. Im sure I'll post later.

 

[Livy's Mom]

I read your other post prior to this but this one really struck me because parts of it are SOOOOO similar to mine. I will tell you which parts so you can at least understand that YOU are not crazy and there are many people like you (me) out there. :-)

My sufferer and I met in a similar way and I was like a moth to a flame. Looking back now I know why. I am codependent. I encourage you to look into that further. It might be something that can help you, it might not. Anyway... We hung out but he was also very aloof. I found myself questioning whether he was really into me and so on. Pretty much everything you said. BOOM pregnant.

Once I was pregnant he committed to me. He had moments where he wavered. He is a drinker as well and would go out on benders and leave me home alone. This would of course cause major problems. It took him over a year to tell me he loved me. I would say it to him and he absolutely refused to say it back. He would get upset and ask why it was so important for me to hear it?? He wondered why I couldn't just accept that he showed it.

After a long period of time he did say I love you. We were even able to discuss why he couldn't say it. He told me that he has emotional numbness due to his PTSD. He is sort of flat. After we had my daughter that part of him was awakened again... a little bit. Even now though he struggles to have empathy about ANY emotions I have. He is incapable of understanding why I feel things the way I do. Sometimes that is just one of the symptoms of PTSD. That doesn't make it ok but it is a reality.

Skip a year and a half now he has moved in and out 3 times. Still struggles with alcoholism and other substances. It is an uphill battle. He goes from family man to tin man week to week.

So there is a brief overview just so you know you are certainly not alone and guess what? I'm doing ok. This forum helps me SO much. I have met a few people here that keep my chin up and I bet you will do the same.

 

[MoeX]

Livy's mom thanks so much for the reply. It is very helpful to know that others go through the same thing I do. I googled the codependant part and there are parts I find myself identifying with.

As for the love part he has told me before that he is scared. I'm not sure I mentioned it but I am older then him and actually am his first true adult relationship. There was someone while he was deployed. He was going to marry her until he got the dear john letter about 8 months into deployment. I think he has trouble believing that I'm not going anywhere.

I've noticed that he is numb to my feelings. I can cry in front of him and pour my heart and sometimes he will just look right through me. He often has no reaction.

He is starting therapy now and I'm hoping it will help but I know its a long road ahead

 

[Bilby]

I've noticed that he is numb to my feelings. I can cry in front of him and pour my heart and sometimes he will just look right through me. He often has no reaction.

My husband does the same thing. It's incredibly hurtful in it's own right.

MoeXc, is your partner getting therapy and had a diagnosis of PTSD? Once my husband was formerly diagnosed with PTSD, he had a fairly intensive hospital stay and there is ongoing therapy, and medication. The hospital stay (whilst difficult) was incredibly helpful - for both of us. It highlighted some areas that we both needed to work on in our relationship, helped us both become more aware of how things were for him, how he/I/we could handle those things etc. Our relationship isn't perfect (show me one that is!) and it requires work, but the difference is, if you have two people in that relationship who are prepared to put the work into the relationship, as well as to work individually on themselves, then things go along ok.

Emotional numbness is a difficult one though and I do struggle with it. He isn't 'numb' all the time, i.e. his responses aren't always as though he has no compassion. But when they are, it hurts.

 

[MoeX]

Emotional numbness is a difficult one though and I do struggle with it. He isn't 'numb' all the time, i.e. his responses aren't always as though he has no compassion. But when they are, it hurts.

My partner is the same way. Sometimes he's loving and can comfort and other time he cant. I have a hard times remembering that its not against me.

He was diagnosed with PTSD about a year ago but it has taken months to even get the ball rolling. Around two months ago I told him that I couldnt live with someone who acted like they didnt want to be there and I asked him to leave. It seems that was what he finally needed to push the VA for help. In the past month he has started medication and has started begain a 6 week outpatient program at the VA PTSD center. I have also taken this time apart to really educate myself about PTSD and care for me.

 

[amethist]

Hi MoeXc

There is not quick fix for PTSD, it is a long and slow process. The fact that he is on medication and going to the program is a good start.

Giving him the push he need showed strength on your part, and you should stick by the fact that he has to actively do the work to recover to keep you together.

Its not easy and there will be up's and downs along the way, sometimes it s 3 steps forward and 2 back, but he will get there. Like I said though, it will take time.

Educating yourself and looking after yourself is important, so you can carry on supporting him.

You will notice the changes as they occur, as I do with my husband. Like today he went to the dentist on his own for the first time in 5 years. May seem trivial for some but it was a big step for him.

keep going and take care.