How Much Should I Disclose About My Current Situation

[Ehanaj]

I've been getting to know someone online and he's been very nice. No pressure (although he replies the same day or a day later), he shares about his life, we have a lot in common in terms of hobbies...

A difficult situation in my private life has left me drained and anxious. I haven't told him about it and now wonder if I should. I would like to but I wonder how much I should disclose? Just write a short sentence that I'm in a difficult situation and need a bit more time to reply as usual? A bit more giving him the actual reason as to why it's been difficult and will be? Say nothing at all and just take the time I need? Right now, that may easily be three weeks or so as I have no strength left and do not even want to think about anything anymore. These last few days I have just slept during the day although sleeping during the night as well. I just drop dead and I guess the world could explode, I wouldn't notice much. Getting some sleep during the day usually is very difficult for me.

I do not feel I know what 'normal' is in terms of sharing with someone I have known for a short time only. We have been sharing about private things like what we were doing, where we were going, who we were seeing and so on. Nothing real personal has come up yet (despite that he has a physical disability). I think he might well become a real life friend (he lives very close to me).

What and how much is 'normal', not too much but not too little and therefore giving him the feeling I don't care?

 

[Ulew]

Just write a short sentence that I'm in a difficult situation and need a bit more time to reply as usual?

I think this is fine. He should respect whatever amount of information you're comfortable giving him.

Aren't you really asking how close to get and how quickly? You know, he might be a great person but please be careful just in case. Getting to know anyone, at first we only see what they want us to. 100x this on the internet. So be careful with how much you tell him about your identity, where you live etc. Hopefully he might become a genuine friend. At the moment, you only know that he might be.

What you discuss with him is up to you and should be because you want to, not because you think he wants that.

 

[Mere]

He should respect whatever amount of information you're comfortable giving him.

See, I can't give him what I am comfortable with giving him because then I would have given him the whole story and lots of details. I have not learned what normal is in that respect. There was a time (long ago now, but nevertheless true), when I was already an adult, when I would tell a stranger my real name, real address, etc. just because I was not fast enough to process all I had had to to realize there was a stranger asking and a stranger should not ask these questions, it's not safe to answer them, etc. That is why I am asking this question here, so I do not make that mistake. Or, in other words: I have not learned how to be careful (what is too much said, what is too little though for the respective relationship with the respective person (e.g. complete stranger vs. person I've been in touch with a bit vs. colleague only vs. friend vs. good friend, etc.).

If I told him what I wanted to, I'd tell him a lot more than just the general idea of what's happening. However, that 'wanting to' is not a healthy kind of wanting to, but my lack of boundaries, my lack of understanding of the shades of grey in that area.

Thank you very much for your view on this and also for reminding me to be cautious. When I grew up I learned to give anyone anything they wanted, preferably by guessing what it was they wanted.

 

[Ehanaj]

Mere = Ehanaj = me = OP

 

[Umoza]

It's not what he wants, it is what you want or need to do. We can't assume how much he wants to know or doesn't want to know. A simple telling to him that you need to take a break because you are going through difficult things right now should be suffice. If he wants to know more, that is up to you to tell him. But, you can also tell him you'll talk about it when you are able to(preferably when you feel stronger).

good Luck

 

[Ehanaj]

Thank you! The more I think about it, I agree that that should suffice (for me).

Usually when someone tells me something like that (need a break, difficult right now, period), it makes me feel rejected and I don't like feeling rejected. I'd also be scared of losing him (even that little bit of having a nice contact) and yes, although he might not be worth all the trouble if he just took off, it would mean another one gone. Argh... Relationships!!!

Today he asked me for a date. Darn it. Can't wait to have a few days off next week to do some thinking and feeling and sleeping.