General How to support a friend who gets angry at everyone including me?

[Latefull]

I searched to see if I could relate another post to my situation but I could not easily do so. I have a friend that I met online, we play games online and talk online frequently. He suffers from PTSD due to experiences in the military. We have been friends for over a year and he goes through cycles where he gets very angry at everyone that he games with, including me. He is easily frustrated, slams his desk, and often mutes his mic after but then comes back to critique what everyone else did wrong. He tries to confide in me despite me trying to tell him that I don't want to participate in putting people down. When he gets mad like this I find myself intentionally avoiding him and then he comes back later (sometimes less than an hour) all happy and acting like nothing ever happened.

I've been reading the forums and researching how I should respond when I can't take it anymore. I've been making excuses that I have to go offline to do chores but really I'm so pissed off. I want to be a friend and supportive, but any advice to play another game or to avoid others that anger him often result in him saying, "F#@k that." and he continues ranting until he decides he's going to go play another game. We also share the same friends (who avoid him as well) so just playing the games without him isn't possible. If he finds out that I'm avoiding him and still playing with our other friends he'll be pissed about that as well.

I'm at my wits end. I want to unfriend him and be done with the friendship because I don't feel like I'm strong enough to cope with this, but I also don't want him to be friendless or to feel helpless. Maybe this is similar to many other posts and if I'm just not making the connection I apologize.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Don’t be friends with him out of pity. PTSD isn’t an excuse to be an asshole. He’s being one, and that’s why he doesn’t have any friends.

Who cares if he gets pissed at you? He doesn’t sound like a very nice guy anyway if his friends avoid him because he makes them all uncomfortable.

You guys don’t owe him anything... and honestly you don’t know him. Are you sure he’s really a vet with PTSD? Lots and lots of people online fake that. Are you sure he’s not just a tool who rages when he games?

 

[Latefull]

We met online, and you're right I don't really have a way to validate his background. He told me he has PTSD and has a trained PTSD dog so that is what I'm drawing on.

I'm reading from your response that in a way I should just treat him like anyone else that behaves this way. I just want to avoid triggering any negative behavior that he experiences as well, namely depression.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You are not responsible for his mental health. He is. He is an adult and self accountability is a thing, I don’t care if he has PTSD, a brain tumor, an arrow through the head, or devil possession.

Just for clarification, I’ve been with my combat vet for years, who has a legitimate PTSD diagnosis. If he’s an ass, it’s because he’s being an ass. PTSD causes feelings. The way that somebody reacts to those feeling is on them. PTSD isn’t blindly controlling his actions.

And yes, treat him just like anybody else. Don’t be a doormat because “poor baby has PTSD”. That does not ever make for a healthy dynamic.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm reading from your response that in a way I should just treat him like anyone else that behaves this way. I just want to avoid triggering any negative behavior that he experiences as well, namely depression.

Yes, treat him like you would others. You won't help any *possible* mental health issues by enabling and allowing him to rage at you or rage at you about others online. All that will do is encourage him to not change and continue to be a hurtful jerk to others, and that's not good for the mental health of anyone. It's not your responsibility to make sure he has friends and doesn't feel helpless... he's probably acting in a way that leads to others to feel helpless anyhow.

If you choose to remain friends, you'll need to become very good at holding boundaries. When he gets rageful, starts yelling or doing anything you don't want to be around, you could communicate something like, "I will not be around you when you rage at people. I will connect with you only when you are calm." If he has PTSD and has a PTSD trained service dog, then he likely knows tools to manage symptoms already. and if he doesn't he needs to jump into getting help for his symptoms. He doesn't need your advice about how to handle his anger. He needs boundaries.

I want to unfriend him and be done with the friendship because I don't feel like I'm strong enough to cope with this,

As a sufferer, I can tell you that it is really ok to unfriend him and be done. It's not about being strong enough. Strong people don't just endure someone being a jerk. It's about being strong enough to walk away.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I wouldn't be friends with him. And as a sufferer, it would suck more to have a friend that was only a friend of pitty then to be fully friendless. And I am friendless so I know how that feels. A friend of pitty only would suck way more!

Be friends with people because you like them and because they treat you well. Not because they have an illness. No one with any illness wants a friend just because they are ill. This is no exception.

 

[Latefull]

The candid and direct answers from all of you are incredibly helpful. In fact it made it apparent to me that I was associating his poor behavior and outbursts with his PTSD, and I apologize if I offended anyone by doing that. Being a person with ADHD I know the stigmas and assumptions people make about my condition, and yet it’s so easy for me to do the same to others. It’s a lesson that will stick with me for sure.

I’m going to distance myself and be firm with boundaries when I do interact with him, and let his actions decide whether we stay friends or not. Thank you for your help, I greatly appreciate it.