Husband's Family Visiting From Out Of State

[Bosco2153]

My childhood PTSD 'arrived' officially over 5 years ago. During a time when I couldn't see anyone, my husband's son moved his family out of state, so I haven't seen them in 6 years. For whatever reason, they are a huge discomfort for me. They've never done harm to me, although we are polar opposites in so many ways, but I was always able to channel our differences and find common ground. They are coming for a short visit in a few days and the symptoms are stacking up. My husband is not great at understanding how it all works, so when I mentioned to him that he will not be able to go off fishing with his son and leave me with his daughter-in-law by myself, he was a bit 'short' with me. I have considered getting a motel room so they can visit (as well as hiding in the closet), but it would just create a big issue and hurt everyone. I honestly don't know what to do. He HAS to be able to have his own son visit. I don't expect a resolution, but it's always nice to be able to vent here.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Do you have any idea as to why they are a discomfort to you????

 

[Powder]

Rather than subtract, add.

Bring a support into the mix. You are stuck with the additions, so add your own support to it. You don't have to play the role of victim. Take it for what it is and make it good enough for you that you are in more control of your own reactions.

 

[DogMom]

I have totally been here. Family environment is very uncomfortable for me. Last time, I blew it. I over analyzed every little interaction, convinced myself no one liked me, and spent much of the trip in tears. Please don't do this to yourself. I would suggest starting with a list of positive affirmations you can tell yourself, a list of coping mechanisms, and activities you can do with the Daughter in Law that require little interaction (going to a movie, a play, or a comedy show, going on a nature walk, or if you are feeling overwhelmed politely excuse yourself for a nap in your room, I've done this before and it helps a lot).

A friend of mine once wrote this: "One of the greatest lessons I've learned in life is that if you want more love, more friendship, more support and more family- BE INCLUSIVE! " I try to think of this every time I start to really struggle. It's not perfect but start with small olive branches and try to build yourself up. You got this, I am rooting for you!

 

[Powder]

I like the movie idea. Helps the time go faster. Or go do something that you can do by yourself but prefer someone else along.

I go through this whether or not I enjoy the visitor's company, or if I am at home or in someone else's home. I have a lot of trauma and trust issues.

Having someone "help" me, especially in the kitchen, is too hard for me. I get flustered. So I cannot do that.

I found through trial and error which activities are too much for me and which are okay. Later, I could try to pinpoint why those that are too much are that way. Maybe it's not the activity but something specific I could control and improve upon. Maybe I could find what inside me can be changed to make it agreeable instead (locate the specific trigger(s) and extinguish them systematically.)

Would going to get a pedicure solve it? You minimize having to talk. You are doing something "fun" and pampering. Maybe grab a smoothie or coffee treat, pedi spa, or facial, and then mall walk or antique mall, would kill 2 hours easily but not require too much intimacy for me. I could get by. I might invite a mutual or one of my own friends to meet me at the mall for support so I don't feel pressured to do all the talking.

 

[DogMom]

I really like all of Muse's ideas. Having a trusted friend come along would probably be very helpful and would help share the pressure. Pedicure mall day with a smoothie sounds soothing (PS I would totally love to spend an afternoon with you, Muse :) lol!), doing a self care activity with D-I-L may help associate her with more positive feelings.

 

[Bosco2153]

Thanks for all of the great suggestions! I'm disabled and shut-in for the most part, but able to work in my garden now, and I walk across the road for the mail. The one public thing I'm able to do is have my husband drop me off to do our shopping, and I do 'okay'. I've been able to stay close to my daughter even though I don't see her often, and to the sister who went through the childhood trauma with me, who lives several hours away. I've eliminated or minimized relationships and contact with most others. I find 'friendships' superficial and threatening, and can't trust them. To 'She Cat'...with them specifically, it is just basic FEAR that is very large. Perhaps the fact that their lifestyle and values allow them to be very judgmental and indirectly think of people 'like me' as 'very low' contributes to it. Shame and self-loathing defined my childhood and are still issues for me. I honestly don't want closeness . I know that's harsh. I just want to be able to have them come and not have an episode that hurts anyone's feelings or ruins my husband's time with his family. If I can let them in the door, stay in the room, and make small talk...but not be 'required' for anything else, especially entertaining or being left alone with someone...then it's a success. I hope I can do that much. They'll be here Saturday, and I'm familiar with how I do in these situations if I work very hard on myself. For me, this is scary. I'm in that sort of mentally paralyzed 'denial' state right now where I can't focus or get anything done...just trying to stay grounded in my genealogy research, and barely able to leave my 'safe spot' on the sofa. But I know what's coming: the last-minute cleaning frenzy to eliminate my mountain-sized dust bunny collection, and a scurry to get some non-committing self-help finger food in the house. In the hour before they arrive...the 'shower' that washes away so much, and with hair still wet, forcing on something tolerably 'cheerful' instead of my preferred 'drab' 'uniform' as they pull into the driveway. All the while, I'm hoping my husband arrives home from work before they get here so that I don't end up in the deepest corner of my closet with them waiting in their vehicle for my husband to get her and let them inside. I'm sure it'll be okay...this is just what I do. This is my normal. Thank you for listening...I think sometimes I just really need to vent to people who understand. Thank you.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I never grew close to my husband's offspring from his first marriage. They lived with us f/t as their mother wished to further pursue her career, instead. We were always mutually respectful and kind, we just didn't bond on any deeper levels. I had longed for a close family vibe like I never had, but it simply wasn't meant to be. We are also polar opposites in our interests across the board, and my life experience, when discussed, seems extremely non-interesting to them based on their responses and can quickly clear a room. lol

I finally grew tired of the mental exhaustion and physical discomforts of trying to please everyone else as they steadily, yet very unintentionally, tripped every trigger I ever knew. They've long since moved out on their own, but then I had to figure even more creative and comfortable ways of getting through the visits and such as we moved into a much smaller space. I'm also very sensitive to artificial anything, be it foods, beverages, feelings, fragrances, etc. and have to very carefully navigate self when around others, especially in my own home where I feel safe the rest of the time, which I have to respectfully remember is their childhood home, as well.

I participate only on the level I'm healthily able, which means more often than not, I'm simply a non-participant in the actual event, be it a formal milestone gathering or a family meal. I was lovingly referred to as the phantom fiance when we were engaged since I rarely attended things. I plan for outings when they plan to visit more often than not and have no qualms about staying comfortably in my safe space at home without interacting when they're here. Rather, I participate prior to their arrival by contributing food stuffs, doing the behind the scenes stuff like shopping or planning their outings if they need tickets, or gifts, or a dish for a potluck meal or whatever. Things that help the hubby help make it pleasant for them, if possible. However, if it's a random unplanned or unannounced visit, participation on any level isn't guaranteed.

The library, nature, a favorite cafe' with vegan options and free wifi, a good book in a sunny spot at the park, etc. are some of my favorite getaways. My husband has become more understanding and accommodating as the years go by in realizing the depth of my discomfort and he tries hard to plan outings, meals, and things away from the house to better help me not have to deal with it. Thank goodness, because my sensitivities have steadily increased with my change in consumption choices, so it's been a progression of different levels of discomfort along the way, which adds even more chances of misunderstanding and painful awkwardness. Being highly sensitive and different from the rest makes simply existing quite a challenge, even in the spaces we usually feel safe. Hoping it goes smoothly for you. Sending you lots of "you've got this" and "give self permission to not participate, if need be" vibes.

 

[Powder]

@deedlerock I can relate to all of what you said, especially when my PTSD is active.

When it's not active, I am better able to have a more positive outlook and smile and interact with folks with more freedom.

Often, though, I feel a lot of anxiety creep into everyday social interactions that makes it hard for me to function, and trying to function anyway, wears me out and makes it all worse. It's a vicious cycle. Rest and quiet.

People can really scare the life outta me. After my childhood, I find it hard to not think that anyone is capable of anything.

All my family had mental illnesses: all but my brother tried to harm me at random when the flipped out. Illegal Drugs and Bipolar did not mix for them.

I try to remember that most people are not as bad (or as good) as the people I was forced to be family to, and that I can trust my instincts and have enough distance to feel safe in social interactions.