I’m so tired

[abg1202]

I’m so tired of struggling. I’m tired of being sad and angry and anxious all the time. I’m tired of fighting. The only reason I’m still here is my kids. They’re the only thing that keeps me going. The only thing that keeps me here. And then I find myself resenting them for being the reason I stay. How f*cked up is that?!? It feels weird to say that out loud. I just feel very alone. All I want is to be ok, happy, normal. I want to be a good mom, someone they can rely to be stable and there for them instead of an emotionally disabled asshole who falls apart at any given moment. Why aren’t they enough motivation for me to deal with my shit and move on? I know what I want I just can’t get there. I know exactly what I have to do AND that I’m capable of it and still I’m right where I am. How do you motivate yourself to get better when you’re failing at the only thing you want to get better for?

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi,
Are you currently in therapy? Do you see a psychiatrist and take medication?

Motivation can be hard to find, but I find it to be a little bit easier to push myself forward when I have a strong support network.

 

[bellbird]

How f*cked up is that?!?

That is your depression and your PTSD that are f*cked up. Not you.

And on the 'resenting my one reason for wanting to stay alive', I completely understand and you are not alone in that type of thinking, nor are you weird, nor f*cked up.

How do you motivate yourself to get better when you’re failing at the only thing you want to get better for?

By trying to remind myself that I've got so many things that are out of my control and working against me, so it isn't fair to place the same expectations on myself that I would if all the other shit wasn't there.

By trying to remind myself that treading water is, in some times, the best thing that I can do. And that that is perfectly ok.

And by trying to remind myself that even the most competent people in a given "field" go through periods of difficulty.

I know exactly what I have to do

If you are ok with it, maybe you could share that here?
I've found being able to bounce ideas off the folks here is very helpful.

We all understand, to some extent, what each other is going through. You most definitely aren't alone.

 

[PieceByPeace]

abg1202 I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I can relate to some of it, as well...the feeling of being stuck...it is overwhelming at times. You mentioned knowing what you have to do...can you share that here? I agree with the poster above...bouncing ideas off each other can be very helpful.

I pray you will find relief from your cares and burdens and move in a positive direction. 1 Peter 5:7

 

[Mach123]

Ok that's normal for me. Everything you said. Nothing has changed. I'm still doing the same stuff I just feel better. I just had a brush with being sick, I'm still having it. I was pretty sure I was going to be REALLY sick though and I'm not and I got really mad because I'm not going to die and get out of this finally. (Maybe I am I could have prostate cancer?)

But I'm not all that unhappy. I have to make an effort. I don't know if I hold off depression or if I'm not depressed? I could be depressed. I could write just what you did or some really similar stuff and say I'm tired of living.

But I'm not really. A little while at a time I am. Then I refuse again. Nothing can make me feel like that again.

So my answer is you say "fuk it I'm not depressed" and do something. I clean the house. Nobody can say "it sucks that the house is clean." They can say "you should be doing something else, making money." I say "then you'd have to pay someone to clean."

I know this is not helpful if your depressed but you asked.

 

[misuterareta]

abg1202, know that you are not alone. I'm raising two young kids on my own and have a pretty hefty case of CPTSD. Just by what you posted, I can tell that you put your kids needs above your own, and that is respectable, because you are doing the right thing despite unfortunate life circumstances. I constantly worry that my behavior is messing up my kids. They are amazing though...on some of my worst days, when I am cussing, throwing things around, barely functional and can't even get out of the car to walk them to their extracurricular activities, they seem to understand that I'm just not capable of taking care of the things that I normally would, and they are able to take up the slack. Today, in fact, was a terrible morning that was riding the tails of a terrible yesterday, and as I brought them to school, I climbed out of my own head issues long enough to give them big long hugs. Sometimes, that's all they need in order to know that all of my crap is not directed at them, and they can go about their day as normal. In that sense, I kind of have to hope for the best, because that's all there is...the hope that they'll turn out alright and know that my problems are not their own and that they are loved. Right along with that, I also now know that I have to stop beating myself up about the things I've messed up because of the CPTSD screwing with my thought processes. I had to get to a place where I could perform a task and leave it at the point of being, "good enough," or know that a missed appointment could be rescheduled and that it was truly not the end of the world. Not everything has to be perfect all the time, and to strive for that unattainable goal is an exercise in futility. I'm actually still working on that one.

I can imagine that losing a parent to suicide would be absolutely devastating to a child. That's what keeps me here too...my kids, nothing more. I have a strong tendency to idealize death and to hold it up on a pedestal, as if it truly is the ultimate peace. Now that I've lost my religion, it sort of seems that way. Nonetheless, my purpose here on earth is to raise those kids. I know that without me, their lives will go terribly awry. In that vein, as far as motivation goes, like yourself, I struggle greatly. As is often the case, I have to find one little thing to hold onto in order to keep pressing forward. I escape through movies, so for me, it's a scene from the movie, Gattaca. The main character, Vincent, who is of compromised health, swims across a vast expanse with his brother Anton, who is of perfect genetic construction. The main character surpasses his healthier counterpart, and when asked how he was able to do it, he responded:
"You wanna know how I did it? This is how I did it Anton: I never saved anything for the swim back."

It sounds sort of silly, but that one line has carried me through so much. Also, sometimes treading water is enough, and it's what you are meant to be doing for the time being. Mindfulness...staying present and available in the moment and focused on the task at hand...allowing your five senses and the information they are picking up to ground you into the "now" can help to ease the tension of an over-stimulated mind. Your drive and ability to get where you want to go in life will lead you in the right direction. Just realize that, despite your current frustration, the journey is big part of the destination.