I am asking for some possible assistance, please. Overwhelming guilt & shame.

[Darkness Reborn]

I am thoroughly mortified I can’t figure out something that should be simple. However, I would rather bear my anxiety and panic in asking for help so I can hopefully figure this out.

I wrote this post in my journal yesterday.

I want suggestions, if poor possible, on how to… fix? this. My guilt and complete shame in what I have apparently done is suffocating me. However, with everything I have learned in the past 2 months, I am doubtful I would handle this in a healthy manner. I would appreciate some suggestions, guidance, opinions, or ideas. I am hopeful she is an actual friend and it can be fixed. She is only 1 of 2 I have so each one is precious to me and since I f*cked up somewhere I would like to fix it if possible.

I apologize if I am not being clear but I am not in a good place at the moment and having some issues focusing on what i am typing. I have proofread several times but I may have missed things. Sorry.

Thank you in advance.

 

[Ecdysis]

Hmnm, so we all have a big range of different characteristics, traits and behaviours, including postive/ negative ones, and what one person finds positive, another will find negative and vice-versa.

I can be kind of bossy, myself. (Not saying that you are, but if you were, you'd be in good company.) Growing up, I had to figure out everything myself, had to look after myself, had to look after others... So I became a no-fuss, get-things-done type of person. Someone who's good at organising, who's quick to spot problems and think of fixes and work-arounds...

I'm sure some people find it annoying or triggering (if they had bossy parents, for example) while other's love it... if they need help solving a problem, if they don't know what to do, if they hate making decisions, if they're lazy and glad someone else is dealing with the problem at hand, whatever... Also, many employers really like this trait.

You know, this is reminding me of a Pete Walker thing... Everything reminds me of a Pete Walker thing, these days... It's the mantra he learned "Disapproval is okay with me".

It's on page 104 here: https://notability.com/g/download/p.../Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.pdf

Maybe other people's disapproval is....... okay? And you might disapprove of them, too, for having said it in a rude way. Maybe this is about you and maybe it's not.

 

[Darkness Reborn]

I think you're getting very mired down in your own feelings of self-loathing.

That is a very good possibility with high probability.

But what you need to work on first, is genuinely how you feel about yourself, because until that stuff is sorted, any number of little tiffs like this are going to set all that off.

I agree, especially with the genuine part… was kind thinking along these lines last night while responding in my journal. But the genuine strikes to the heart of it.

Thank you

Growing up, I had to figure out everything myself, had to look after myself, had to look after others... So I became a no-fuss, get-things-done type of person. Someone who's good at organising, who's quick to spot problems and think of fixes and work-arounds...

I relate…

It's the mantra he learned "Disapproval is okay with me".

I had forgotten about this part. I will need to go read it again. I didn’t write anything in my journal about it that I can find as to what my original thoughts were.

Thank you

 

[Ecdysis]

Also, I forgot to add that hypervigilance (averting danger) can make us spot (and point out) potential "issues" to people. It may be meant in a caring/ protective way, but may come across as belitteling/ viewing the other person as incapable. Again, this is not just (potentially) true of you, but of many of us.

Also, I dissociate so much that often I don't even "notice" the tone I'm saying something in.

Maybe instead of viewing this as a "flaw" and thereby using PTSD-logic to equate having a flaw with "being a horrible person"... Maybe view it as "The trauma I experienced and the PTSD I continue to experience affect my behaviour in certain ways. This is (maybe) one of the ways. It's okay for my trauma and my PTSD to impact my behaviour. I can make healthy choices if I feel my trauma/ PTSD behaviours are harming others or impairing my relationships. With people I trust, I can even explain this to them. I can make an effort to reduce behaviours that I or those I deeply care about genuinely view as problematic. Maybe I can reduce those behaviours to "acceptable" levels for me and/ or them, but I don't have to magically make them go away. My trauma and my PTSD are part of my journey and part of me."

Or something vaguely like that... I'm sure I've expressed parts of that very clumsily/ poorly, so obviously adjust it so it actually suits you.

 

[Freida]

She was actually being a loving friend by communicating something I should be aware of not attacking me. What I was/am doing/saying doesn’t necessarily make me a bad person, it is more or less a misperception on my part of what I consider ok versus what she does.

gonna just put this here for you as a reminder!

 

[Darkness Reborn]

Also, I forgot to add that hypervigilance (averting danger) can make us spot (and point out) potential "issues" to people. It may be meant in a caring/ protective way, but may come across as belitteling/ viewing the other person as incapable.

Well, I’ll be damned…. I could kiss you @Ecdysis …

I have been wracking my brains trying to figure out what has been so offensive. I believe this is it. I do very much so consider it a nice/caring/loving/protective thing and I do it all the time. I am not even hardly exaggerating. If I get my opinion asked about pretty much anything I will also point out any ‘negatives’ I see. I believe in looking at the positives and negatives. Sheerly so they can decide for themselves but maybe that mixed with my managerial/mothering I am coming across as bossy? Or even like it isn’t good enough? Because I never stop with ‘that looks/sounds amazing…’. Always got to add the “but I know would think about this.”?

Always trying to make sure no one gets hurt or have regret in some way or form…. Holy f*ck… This is also a possible form of hyper-vigilance??? This shit is going to kick my ass. . I will admit that when I haven’t mentioned something that I inevitably will feel guilty and mention it days or even weeks later….probably shouldn't do that either thinking it is helpful… ugh

Does this mean I get to say, ‘I wanted to tell you so.” If something does go bad? JOKE! . I wouldn’t do that, I would be the one feeling guilty if I did.
I feel a huge sense of relief…. Thank you, I am glad you remembered to tell me

Thanks to @Freida too, who has been helping me understand the whole danger thing because I didn’t get it. So adding this to my list of ‘danger’ things.

gonna just put this here for you as a reminder!

Thank you.

Group hug to everyone!

I think my therapist will appreciate you guys. . I know I do.

 

[Friday]

I can be kind of bossy, myself. (Not saying that you are, but if you were, you'd be in good company.

Some of us LIKE bossy, to the point of ignoring anyone who isn’t, and only seriously evaluating those who are (in what ways, how).

 

[Ecdysis]

Oh wow, I'm glad you've found something that resonates, that's great!

I had a friend help me on the weekend - he has undiagnosed and untreated C-PTSD - and he does this "hypervigilance" thing of pointing out all the potential pitfalls, problems, negatives, issues, concerns too.

And while, like you, I engage in this too sometimes, he does this soooo much... (and I'm saying this gently, lovingly) it drives me nuts...

One example from the weekend: The letterbox at the end of the driveway was fixed to a post that had rotted through and it was suuuper wobbly... Me opening the letter box was making it wobble so much, it was just a matter of days before the whole thing would tip over.

So, one of the things I asked his help for was this letter box post issue... I'd already sorted out all the materials and tools, just needed some help holding it and doing it.

So... I got a laundry list of "negatives" from him... How the materials I'd chosen were not right (things could go wrong with them) and how the tools I'd chosen were not right (things could go wrong with them too) and blahblahblahblahblah... You'd think I was about to perform brain surgery or something... It's a freaking LETTER BOX, ya know? I live in the middle of nowhere... There are no neighbours... No one's going to injure themselves if I affix this letter box to a wooden post "wrong".

In the end, when I had ignored all of his "concerns" he then pointed out that me whacking the post into the ground could have me "striking an electrical cable, a gas pipe or a water pipe that might potentially be running under ground right there...."

I nearly freaking lost it at him....! Grrrrrr! And he was like "WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A BAD MOOD???"

Well, I WASN'T until the laundry list of one million items that "might go wrong" when performing a ridiculously minor task.

And this friend is like this with eeeeeeeverything. Anything I do, talk about doing, contemplate doing, he's got a million reasons why it's a bad/ dangerous/ problematic idea.

It makes me want to just give up... I find the tasks I'm doing challenging enough... My brain conjures up enough problem/ doom scenarios of its own, thank you very much... Don't need an endless list of someone else's doom scenarios added to it in a running comentary...

I hope I've been able to a) convey what it feels like to be getting such commentary, while b) coming from a place of "I do this too sometimes" and hopefully c) not making you feel bad/ negative about this issue.

 

[Darkness Reborn]

Yes, I can relate with one difference… I throw positive things in there also which I think may come off as condescending as well?

Example:

Yes, doing it this way is much easier. Out of curiosity have you thought about this, that and the other thing?…. Wait for response…. Ok just making sure.
Oh you are using that tool. Yup, that will absolutely work. Personally I would use [insert tool] because it is better/safer/easier for XYZ reasons. You don’t want to? Ok no problem this will absolutely get the job done.


To me it is lessening the ‘do it my way’ feeling. But I have a big suspicion that is not the case.

I hope I've been able to a) convey what it feels like to be getting such commentary,

The irony is, I do know people that way but it doesn’t bother me. However, quite the opposite, I am thankful they have thought of things I did not. However, this also being said at a time when I am just starting to understand what hyper-vigilance is, didn’t even know it was a thing until a week ago.

while b) coming from a place of "I do this too sometimes"

I hold zero judgments of anyone who does.

and hopefully c) not making you feel bad/ negative about this issue.

Of course I feel bad . But it hasn’t triggered me into oblivion. It’s more of… I am level 49 and feel like I am in Kindergarten learning the alphabet all over again and wanting to crawl in a hole from embarrassment.

 

[Ecdysis]

I am level 49 and feel like I am in Kindergarten learning the alphabet all over again and wanting to crawl in a hole from embarrassment.

I can understand the sense of embarrassment - because I'd feel the same or have felt the same, in similar situations.

I'd really try and view it as this tho:

The trauma I experienced and the PTSD I continue to experience affect my behaviour in certain ways. This is (maybe) one of the ways.

I mean, you could start a thread specifically about this hypervigilance "protective" behaviour in the supporter's section and ask if their PTSD-sufferes do it and you'd probably get a whole lot of "OMG don't get me started!" replies.

I really do think it's a PTSD thing... and a relatively harmless one, at that. Annoying maybe, but even well-intentioned, as you said. There are sooo many worse potential PTSD behaviours you could be acting out, but you're not... You're just being hypervigilant and it's seeping out and showing in ways that you didn't realise.

I sort of have a similar issue with anger... I learned to suppress the heck out of it growing up in childhood, cos it was dangerous to get angry or upset about anything. I became an absolute pro at suppressing it. But there's only so much you can suppress, before it starts leaking out... And I can be quite sarcastic or snarky or judgemental or critical... which I now all view as anger seeping out... It's not something I "like" about myself, but I figure that I could be doing so much "worse".

 

[Darkness Reborn]

*UPDATE*
She came home early today from work while I was visiting Ms. Tiki. She was her normal self. I was still on pins and needles but not as bad as with the ducklings. She grabbed me in a big hug, then gave a kiss on the cheek and said she loved me. Shocked me speechless . Thinking my daughter broke her promise about not mentioning anything to her…. But that could be the Evil Queen at work in my suspicious mind. Then later her SO and her brought one their new chickens over so I didn’t have to walk over. Her name is Shortcake (the chicken) like strawberry shortcake due to her strawberry blond coloring.

Feeling like a royal idiot but I already felt that way with T because things went so out of control but realizing there was more to it that amplified that particular incident helped alleviate some of the dumbness I felt.