I Am Not Dealing Well

[lostforgottensoul]

Senifield? That was so 90s lol. Im watching an old favorite, though likely not the best choice, a old show called Six Feet Under. Its sort of dark humor, sort of how my sense of humor is. My step mom keeps saying "is that the Dexter one?"as David in the show played as Dexter which her and I watched all of and its the best show ever. Anyway, my show choices are a bit different then Seinfiled. Not a big 30 show watcher though I liked Reba, South Park, and a few others but mostly Im the hour show watcher my favorite show is Criminal Minds (the orginal though Beyond Borders is ok) and Big Brother (guilty dumb pleasure). Nothing is on today. I have a bit over an hour before bed and with bed comes bedtime meds for sleep so i'll get there.

ETA: though I'll get there and though work is a complete distracter, I have no clue how im going to deal with my dad tomorrow night. He's flying out to my brother's sunday morning for 2 weeks so i'll have a bit of a break but what after that? I guess i cant look that far ahead at the moment. Just have to get through the and to work ok.

 

[Stills]

First, I am so sorry that you are going through such a rough time. And second, I am sorry you are feeling a lack of support from those in proximity to you. All I want to tell you is it's very important to take care of yourself. Right now, those around you are going to tell you things you don't want to hear and it is all overwhelming and I wish I could tell you that they're going to be more empathetic and understanding of your experience and feelings, especially at a time like this, but you know what is best for you. Trust your instincts and do what you want to do, regardless of what your family says. They don't have to understand. I just want to tell you it's okay to have these feelings, and you will get through. I'm sending you so much love!!!!!!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you @Stills!

 

[shimmerz]

Is this the same Dad that was in denial during the times that you were being abused? Just sayin.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@shimmerz, he did miss a ton of red flags and left me alone at 12 when i begged him to take me with him at 9 and 12...i suppose that can constitute as being in denial. Because he overlooked it, he didnt see it, so today to him that means it didnt happen...

 

[shimmerz]

Okay, so I am thinking judgement of any type when it comes to him and the topic of your mother's relationship with you should be falling on deaf ears.

In the normal, non abusive mom/child relationship I agree that one should support a parent who is in trouble. In this case.... um, not so much. And I agree with your T. It isn't because she is 'she' but because she is in denial - and that has great potential to re-activate you. Look after you first while you are healing. Don't put yourself in a position where you can trigger yourself up with something quite so large. Wish her well (closure for you) on her passage would be my suggestion. In your thoughts. Not in person.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Yeah @shimmerz, thats what I was working on and it in of itself was almost impossible for me to deal with but I was dealing and stuff but with the remainder of this stuff, most especially with my dad and what he said, its like its too much. Ive been staying in a crisis mode but this threw me into severe crisis mode.

 

[Kailani]

Sorry you are going through this! People just don't understand PTSD or the consequences of child abuse. I am glad your mom is "right with God" and that doesn't mean that you are still not suffering tremendously from her actions! Just because someone is forgiven doesn't mean they haven't caused harm! If a drunk driver caused a wreck and people had head injuries and broken bones and were in an ICU, because the drunk driver was forgiven does not make all those people automatically heal and be better like nothing had happened. Damage has been done that is awful and I am sorry that your Dad doesnt realize or acknowledge it at this time. He is under a lot of stress now and may be a bit out of sorts himself. Can't be easy to be there when someone is dying! Not making excuses for him, just looking at the situation from an outsider perspective. Hugs to you and support!! Hope work is good.

 

[shimmerz]

Ive been staying in a crisis mode but this threw me into severe crisis mode.

I wonder if this is throwing you back to a time where he didn't listen..... when you really needed him to. Being heard is so important to those of us, especially that suffer from early trauma stuff. I know it sends me over the edge..... that and being misunderstood. I have learned to realize that when I am continually trying to explain myself that I am deep in this mode. But that is just me.

Hoping you get through this as quickly and peacefully as possible Lost.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He is under a lot of stress now and may be a bit out of sorts himself. Can't be easy to be there when someone is dying!

He's not there. He lives with me in Orlando and she is 3 hrs away in Gainsville. And he is retired, and other than his opioid addict wife that we made take only as much as she is prescribed and since i hold it in my safe, that stress is now lifted from him so his only stress is fights they get into that are about the dumbest shit ive ever heard in my life and then when i explode.

Im still completely loosing it but thank god my job is full distracting and busy today.

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm sorry all this has happened to you, and I hope things will be better for you soon. I'm glad you have a therapist that is supportive.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I just love how no one cares how I feel. My dad is leaving for my brother's for 2 weeks. My step mom said she was going to my sister's for my neice's baby's 1st birthday and wont stay for 2 weeks like they want because of how nasty their house is. I asked her not to as I didnt want to be alone for 2 weeks. I came home for work, my step mom stayed. Nice how they care if she is her by herself while im at work but dont care im here by myself 24/7 for 2 weeks. Oh and the holiday as im off work monday.

I thought i had to just through a night...now i have to get through 2 weeks.