G
Galileo
This is really bad. I feel like a case study; I haven't met anyone that can relate, besides with an empty look of pity. It's lonely, kind of like when you find out adults are just tall humans with child-like thoughts.
The biggest issue of my life occurred from ages 9 - 12. I was isolated and barely even spoke to my family. I don't want to go into specifics; waste of time. I only had the internet, and I'm sure that, without it, I would've been some kind of TV-addicted neanderthal. Luckily, the internet was interactive and even without school, I was able to develop my writing skills along with other skills. Another blessing within the internet was having one friend that I talked to - he was pretty much my only social interaction. We never talked deeply, ever; but still, it was nice to have that. I developed OCD at this time - pulling my hair out from stress.
Before this time, I had a great life in a normal school system with friends and a normal social life.
After this time, I became very disadvantaged in terms of my social skills. When I was thrown into middle school at age 13, living with my best friend from when I was younger, it was obvious how different I was from everyone else, and too profound. I became dangerously self-conscious because I was a half-bald weird-looking mute kid.
In high school, I learned what people liked: People like it when you don't look unusual - if you do, you'll be instantly mocked. I invested a lot of time into looking better, and became obsessed with it out of fear of EVER being who I was to the public eye back then.
I had my first and second relationships here. The first was minor, but the second was devastating and the worst mistake of my life.
This relationship lasted 5 years and started off great. He and I were both outcasts of course - instead of like the other kids discussing people and events, we discussed ideas and theorized with each other. I can't express how, even to this day, that time was magical. It's hard to find anyone that is willing to experiment with ideas and actual want to discover what this realm is all about, especially at that age, so imagine my excitement at finding this equally creative, intellectual guy at that age.
It began to degrade. I won't go into specifics - even as an anonymous user on this forum, I'm humiliated.
I'm humiliated because what is considered a social norm to most is a violation of what a monogamous relationship should be to me, and I don't feel like getting lectured on why I'm wrong and why my offense is silly, and not offensive.
The point is - we had agreements, and they were defiled, over and over again. It got bad. I had serious attachment issues from my youth anyway, so the slightest bit of disorder in the relationship felt like I was plummeting into an endless abyss.
It got bad. This boy had schizophrenia, and would enter severe bouts of "Where am I? Who are you? I'm scared!" at any time. I was very patient with him, though, and never made fun of it or questioned it. He would see a sea of blood and rats where the concrete stood under a bridge we had to walk through after school, and it would be an issue to cross over; serious stuff like that.
There were times when he'd enter a state like this and try to kill me, where I'd struggle with a pen's tip threatening my neck, but I let it go. Honestly, though, they did get to me after a while. I feel like mental state is a precious thing, and all measures should be taken to retain its purity; it's the most precious thing in life, in retrospect. After all, this whole world is based upon an individual's perception of it.
I walked one day to his house, an hour from mine, and his door was locked. When I'd snuck up upon it (I already had severe trust issues at this time, since I'd caught him in lies before,) I heard sex sounds, but then nothing else.
Nothing else.. then does that mean I was imagining it? He would tell me I was imagining things prior to me catching him in lies. I was being gaslighted, but has he really stooped as low to really cheat on me on this summer day? To ignore my texts and calls for this; I'll never know to this day what was behind that door for sure.
To this day, if I'm in a different room than my current partner (a different one, thankfully,) I'll hear it. I'll hear those sex sounds and have to walk into the same room as him to check if he's doing anything bad against me and make my mind shut up. My current partner has been an angel from what I know and yet this intense paranoia has carried over. He reacts angrily, and I react with self-hate. It's a cycle, but what's new - I feel like I'm damaged forever.
I became very paranoid after this, and I remember a time in highschool where I grabbed his phone and ran with it to the girl's bathroom, planning to search it from front to back, finding out if he truly was doing anything horrible. I didn't expect for him to run in after me. No one was in there except for us. I know it was wrong that I took his phone. It was wrong, but consider my mental state, my social attachment - I wasn't normal. I tried to run out of the bathroom so he didn't corner me and take the phone, but upon opening the door, it slammed, trapped my head between the metal door and the wall. My head was bleeding profusely, I heard ringing and couldn't even remember the event hours following it, but I covered up the story as I was getting my head stapled at the hospital because I didn't believe that he deserved to get in trouble for an injury - it wasn't anyone's business.
The 5-year relationship person - let's call them E - well, I caught them looking at child porn months later. Can you imagine how I felt? I mean, that was more than two strikes - that was a wrap. What I did next was wrong, but I don't regret it - I threw his computer out of his second story window, along with his phone. Goodbye, internet.
I had no attachments besides mine to him, however. Remember my youth? I'm dissociative towards my family ever since, and I hate it. I want to feel more towards my family, they're precious - but I can't, and it makes me want to die. I will regret this for the rest of my life, and especially when they pass away, and I know this. If only I could leave this weird, dissociative shell that I have towards them.
Since I had attachment to him more than anyone in my life, he was my only source of social needs and love. Imagine Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs - now replace every need with E. Strangely, that was what had happened. I didn't eat, didn't sleep, I cried for days straight, literally. I couldn't leave him because I felt like, without him, I had nothing. And looking back, I really did have nothing. Even with my family, my perspective on life was tarnished because of my severe social isolation as a kid. In my world, I had nothing.
...hence why it was so difficult to break up with him, and took 5 years. Warning, the following is horrible. As a dissociative person, I felt far and few except for that regarding my relationship. As such, I ended up becoming pregnant. Knowing that I was in no state to deal with this and knowing that, in my heart, I wanted to leave him, I decided to abort - so I did. He entered a bad state just the following day, and tried to initiate sex forcefully - if that had happened so soon, I would have bled to death. I had to fight him off.
Okay, who cares, right? Well that killed me inside because it made me feel like absolute garbage to him. What am I but an object? I try my best and it's not enough - he cheats, he lies, he forcefully objectifies me the day after I got an abortion at risk of me bleeding to death. I wanted to kill myself, and I've tried many times.
Today, I hate the summer time. It reminds me of that day I heard those sounds. Today marks the first semi-summery day here, and I'm dying inside. I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I probably shouldn't even be dating someone. Things have been going a lot better, but I still have damaged parts of myself that my partner doesn't really understand, and that no one seems to understand.
I hate crowds, because part of me is still that severely agoraphobic little girl. If I go to the mall, I will hyperventilate and want to run out - sometimes I fight the urge, other times, not so much. The people I happen to go with - they never understand. They just become annoyed.
My self-worth is at an all-time low. I've been told I'm attractive, but that is a lie. Sometimes I feel confident, but other times I want to rip my face off and wear a mask forever just because I'm sick of playing the "normal game." I feel like if I pass a girl prettier than me, I'm garbage in comparison and my partner wants her over me, no questions asked. That is the state of my self-worth.
I pull my hair still, but try to stop - I look normal outwardly though, of course, because god forbid I don't exploit what I know the public seems to care about most - looks.
My perception of relationships is dangerous. I feel like the next best thing can take my place at any time. I have no self-worth.
I'm still dissociative with my family and it kills me.
I'm 22 now and I don't know what to do. I've dropped 3 semester because of how depressed and suicidal I would become at times, and my GPA is pretty bad. I'm in college currently, and the last semester marked my first successful one in a while. I'm going along steadily, but the problem is that my heart is not here. I feel dead inside. I feel like life is a stage and all the people within it are robots and every interaction has a hack that I can exploit. I don't value most social interactions, and really strive to avoid them. I can hold a conversation, but I'm still relatively awkward and quirky.
Despite it sounding like I've improved, things have actually gotten worse. I feel like I'm falling into my mind more and more, and my perspective on life is really shadowing what naturally is.
I don't know what to do, where to go; I don't want to be hospitalized against my will simply because being stuck within any situation gives me serious anxiety. I want some kind of a choice. I wish I could go to a group therapy or meet people like me, but also really focus on decoding the patterns of my life and coding them back together again in a different way.
If anyone read this, help. Sorry, no tl;dr. The length is actually what makes me not feel like telling anyone anything, to be honest.
The biggest issue of my life occurred from ages 9 - 12. I was isolated and barely even spoke to my family. I don't want to go into specifics; waste of time. I only had the internet, and I'm sure that, without it, I would've been some kind of TV-addicted neanderthal. Luckily, the internet was interactive and even without school, I was able to develop my writing skills along with other skills. Another blessing within the internet was having one friend that I talked to - he was pretty much my only social interaction. We never talked deeply, ever; but still, it was nice to have that. I developed OCD at this time - pulling my hair out from stress.
Before this time, I had a great life in a normal school system with friends and a normal social life.
After this time, I became very disadvantaged in terms of my social skills. When I was thrown into middle school at age 13, living with my best friend from when I was younger, it was obvious how different I was from everyone else, and too profound. I became dangerously self-conscious because I was a half-bald weird-looking mute kid.
In high school, I learned what people liked: People like it when you don't look unusual - if you do, you'll be instantly mocked. I invested a lot of time into looking better, and became obsessed with it out of fear of EVER being who I was to the public eye back then.
I had my first and second relationships here. The first was minor, but the second was devastating and the worst mistake of my life.
This relationship lasted 5 years and started off great. He and I were both outcasts of course - instead of like the other kids discussing people and events, we discussed ideas and theorized with each other. I can't express how, even to this day, that time was magical. It's hard to find anyone that is willing to experiment with ideas and actual want to discover what this realm is all about, especially at that age, so imagine my excitement at finding this equally creative, intellectual guy at that age.
It began to degrade. I won't go into specifics - even as an anonymous user on this forum, I'm humiliated.
I'm humiliated because what is considered a social norm to most is a violation of what a monogamous relationship should be to me, and I don't feel like getting lectured on why I'm wrong and why my offense is silly, and not offensive.
The point is - we had agreements, and they were defiled, over and over again. It got bad. I had serious attachment issues from my youth anyway, so the slightest bit of disorder in the relationship felt like I was plummeting into an endless abyss.
It got bad. This boy had schizophrenia, and would enter severe bouts of "Where am I? Who are you? I'm scared!" at any time. I was very patient with him, though, and never made fun of it or questioned it. He would see a sea of blood and rats where the concrete stood under a bridge we had to walk through after school, and it would be an issue to cross over; serious stuff like that.
There were times when he'd enter a state like this and try to kill me, where I'd struggle with a pen's tip threatening my neck, but I let it go. Honestly, though, they did get to me after a while. I feel like mental state is a precious thing, and all measures should be taken to retain its purity; it's the most precious thing in life, in retrospect. After all, this whole world is based upon an individual's perception of it.
I walked one day to his house, an hour from mine, and his door was locked. When I'd snuck up upon it (I already had severe trust issues at this time, since I'd caught him in lies before,) I heard sex sounds, but then nothing else.
Nothing else.. then does that mean I was imagining it? He would tell me I was imagining things prior to me catching him in lies. I was being gaslighted, but has he really stooped as low to really cheat on me on this summer day? To ignore my texts and calls for this; I'll never know to this day what was behind that door for sure.
To this day, if I'm in a different room than my current partner (a different one, thankfully,) I'll hear it. I'll hear those sex sounds and have to walk into the same room as him to check if he's doing anything bad against me and make my mind shut up. My current partner has been an angel from what I know and yet this intense paranoia has carried over. He reacts angrily, and I react with self-hate. It's a cycle, but what's new - I feel like I'm damaged forever.
I became very paranoid after this, and I remember a time in highschool where I grabbed his phone and ran with it to the girl's bathroom, planning to search it from front to back, finding out if he truly was doing anything horrible. I didn't expect for him to run in after me. No one was in there except for us. I know it was wrong that I took his phone. It was wrong, but consider my mental state, my social attachment - I wasn't normal. I tried to run out of the bathroom so he didn't corner me and take the phone, but upon opening the door, it slammed, trapped my head between the metal door and the wall. My head was bleeding profusely, I heard ringing and couldn't even remember the event hours following it, but I covered up the story as I was getting my head stapled at the hospital because I didn't believe that he deserved to get in trouble for an injury - it wasn't anyone's business.
The 5-year relationship person - let's call them E - well, I caught them looking at child porn months later. Can you imagine how I felt? I mean, that was more than two strikes - that was a wrap. What I did next was wrong, but I don't regret it - I threw his computer out of his second story window, along with his phone. Goodbye, internet.
I had no attachments besides mine to him, however. Remember my youth? I'm dissociative towards my family ever since, and I hate it. I want to feel more towards my family, they're precious - but I can't, and it makes me want to die. I will regret this for the rest of my life, and especially when they pass away, and I know this. If only I could leave this weird, dissociative shell that I have towards them.
Since I had attachment to him more than anyone in my life, he was my only source of social needs and love. Imagine Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs - now replace every need with E. Strangely, that was what had happened. I didn't eat, didn't sleep, I cried for days straight, literally. I couldn't leave him because I felt like, without him, I had nothing. And looking back, I really did have nothing. Even with my family, my perspective on life was tarnished because of my severe social isolation as a kid. In my world, I had nothing.
...hence why it was so difficult to break up with him, and took 5 years. Warning, the following is horrible. As a dissociative person, I felt far and few except for that regarding my relationship. As such, I ended up becoming pregnant. Knowing that I was in no state to deal with this and knowing that, in my heart, I wanted to leave him, I decided to abort - so I did. He entered a bad state just the following day, and tried to initiate sex forcefully - if that had happened so soon, I would have bled to death. I had to fight him off.
Okay, who cares, right? Well that killed me inside because it made me feel like absolute garbage to him. What am I but an object? I try my best and it's not enough - he cheats, he lies, he forcefully objectifies me the day after I got an abortion at risk of me bleeding to death. I wanted to kill myself, and I've tried many times.
Today, I hate the summer time. It reminds me of that day I heard those sounds. Today marks the first semi-summery day here, and I'm dying inside. I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I probably shouldn't even be dating someone. Things have been going a lot better, but I still have damaged parts of myself that my partner doesn't really understand, and that no one seems to understand.
I hate crowds, because part of me is still that severely agoraphobic little girl. If I go to the mall, I will hyperventilate and want to run out - sometimes I fight the urge, other times, not so much. The people I happen to go with - they never understand. They just become annoyed.
My self-worth is at an all-time low. I've been told I'm attractive, but that is a lie. Sometimes I feel confident, but other times I want to rip my face off and wear a mask forever just because I'm sick of playing the "normal game." I feel like if I pass a girl prettier than me, I'm garbage in comparison and my partner wants her over me, no questions asked. That is the state of my self-worth.
I pull my hair still, but try to stop - I look normal outwardly though, of course, because god forbid I don't exploit what I know the public seems to care about most - looks.
My perception of relationships is dangerous. I feel like the next best thing can take my place at any time. I have no self-worth.
I'm still dissociative with my family and it kills me.
I'm 22 now and I don't know what to do. I've dropped 3 semester because of how depressed and suicidal I would become at times, and my GPA is pretty bad. I'm in college currently, and the last semester marked my first successful one in a while. I'm going along steadily, but the problem is that my heart is not here. I feel dead inside. I feel like life is a stage and all the people within it are robots and every interaction has a hack that I can exploit. I don't value most social interactions, and really strive to avoid them. I can hold a conversation, but I'm still relatively awkward and quirky.
Despite it sounding like I've improved, things have actually gotten worse. I feel like I'm falling into my mind more and more, and my perspective on life is really shadowing what naturally is.
I don't know what to do, where to go; I don't want to be hospitalized against my will simply because being stuck within any situation gives me serious anxiety. I want some kind of a choice. I wish I could go to a group therapy or meet people like me, but also really focus on decoding the patterns of my life and coding them back together again in a different way.
If anyone read this, help. Sorry, no tl;dr. The length is actually what makes me not feel like telling anyone anything, to be honest.
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