I Am So Sad And Tired

[Hope1969]

I will not harm myself. It's not in my nature and I have responsibility for my son.

But

When my time will come to go I will go gladly to the other side.
I don't understand why people want to live. Why they are so attached to life. What is it that I am missing. What they see and feel that I don't.
I was a happy child on the outside but never afraid of death. Always waiting to the sacred time of leaving the body. In the inside I wanted to die. And yet did all the things that other people did waiting to be happy. I never was. And today after so many years I am tired. Tired of trying to be happy. Understanding that I am not like most of the people. Maybe it's because of the abuse. My therapist said its good the I am working on this place because it controlled every aspect of my life. So I do all the work. But it's so painful.i am so sad. It feels like the pain and the sadness will not go away.
What is the point? I am 46 years old not 20. Most of my life passed. I don't think that I will ever have normal happy life. Its too late.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I don't have much time as I have to get out the door to an appointment. Does anything your child do make you happy? Anything you do with him that makes you happy, too? Be on the look out for even the littlest thing that makes you happy like seeing a daisy or a sunset or a shiny rock or a bluebird or eating ice cream. Happiness doesn't have to be choose. And sometimes for people who have experience trauma and those who haven't feeling happy feels like a huge risk. Also, you may not have a "normal happy life", but whose to say you can't have an abnormal happy life? Who says you can't keep living so that you can find your happy? I hope you go on this journey towards finding happy. Best wishes.

 

[RavenGirl]

don't think that I will ever have normal happy life. Its too late.

I too was abused, I am 47, and I just started working on my trauma and deep hurt last year. I know everyone Is different, BUT I know things can change. Maybe right now it doesn't seem like it, but they can. HONEST.:tup:

As far as what's the point? Well, this is just my opinion but here goes...you and I, we still have half our lives ahead of us and I feel we should make the most of it. I refuse to let my abusers win. Yes they were horrific, they did horrifying things to me, but I'm here and I'm worth every ounce of happiness I can find.

I believe you are worth it too!! WE are all just pieces in a huge PUZZLE of life; and I truly believe this world wouldn't be the same without you in it. SO THAT'S THE POINT in all of this. You are special, you deserve to be here, your son needs you, we need you. Hang in there, PLEASE. ;):hug::hug::hug:Raven

 

[Hope1969]

I believe you are worth it too!! WE are all just pieces in a huge PUZZLE of life; and I truly believe this world wouldn't be the same without you in it. SO THAT'S THE POINT in all of this. You are special, you deserve to be here, your son needs you, we need you. Hang in there, PLEASE. ;):hug::hug::hug:Raven

.
Thank you dear Raven.
I am touched by your answer.
Copied this part to my computer to read and reflect on it.

Thank you very much!

 

[Hope1969]

I don't have much time as I have to get out the door to an appointment. Does anything you...

My son makes me very happy :). And yet I don't know how to explain. I play with him and laugh and on the same time I can still feel the pain and sadness.

 

[prayingforpeace]

@Hope1969,
I can relate somewhat to how you feel. I have 2 kids and a great husband and they are wonderful to me. But, there is a part of me that will never truly heal from the long term abuse I've endured. It's not that my family doesn't make me "happy" or that I don't love them will all the heart that I still have. I feel a piece of me has lost that fiery will to live. I will not harm myself anymore, but when the time comes I think I'll be ok with letting go. I don't want to suffer so I'm not saying that I'd be fine with a horrible illness and I don't want to sound uncaring or like an ingrate. I find some joy in seeing my family happy but there is still that inner part of me that thinks... I can no longer feel the intensity of the happiness that they seem to feel. A part of me is just gone.

I continue to try and "fake it til I make it". Maybe someday it will change. I hope you continue to see your son as needing you because he does. All children need a loving parent more than anything! He loves you and you as his mom can give him that gift many of us have never had... unconditional parental love. There is no greater gift. If that is your calling, it is enough!

 

[ladee]

I had to redefine what 'happy' meant. What it meant for me and my circumstances. I compared my insides with what I saw others doing on the outside. well, my inside and outside looked the same in my eyes. But I had times that I was not down the rabbit hole. Hmm, not happy, but not sad. I can work with that. And each time I felt any kind of relief, I chose to say I was happy about that. My definition is not like what we see in others. And I had to keep checking to see if I was stuck in the grief process of reliving my past. And eventually I came to acceptance.. I was and am not, less than... I am not worthLESS, I am Ladee, putting one foot in front of the other and putting myself in nature as often as I can. There I am free. There I can just breathe, not think, just breathe....
Maybe the point to all this, is there is no point. It may simply be what we choose to do with what we have.. That is simple, I can live and work with that.. Since it is my life, I get to define what a lot of words mean to me. Not comparing myself with others, but to me.
And as was shared, you are a mom... there is no higher purpose. I send you healing energy to rethink what this life means to you or what you want it to mean.... The trauma did not take all of me.. that tiny glimmer of my soul that still shines, I build on that... I hope you find your meaning of happiness.

 

[Ronin]

Ditto to redefining 'happy'.

Happy can mean so many different things, in different circumstances.
Clinging to one definition, of one time, of it, is part of the problem of happiness seeming unfindable, when it's out there, in the plain sight.

 

[Whyteferret]

Raven Girl nailed it. you still have life ahead of you. It may be you build happiness.

Like ladee, I had to redefine happiness. I realized that we really never know what is going on inside. Look at Robin Williams. He looked happy, he had money, he had material things. Be inside he suffered. We have to find our own happiness.

I basically redefined happiness as just being content.

 

[illusionist]

It is never too late. I'm 51, and until a year ago, I felt exactly the same as you. As much as I love my kids, I always felt that if I was faced with death, which I have been, I would gladly receive it...and I do remember feeling cheated when I did survive.

Now?...I don't want to live, with a passion...but I do see hope....hope of a future, and actually making plans for it...small plans, and building on it.

Baby steps.

 

[Ellabella44]

trying to find happy is alot of hard work. Understand wanting to let go, depression sucks the life out of you.

But happy can be found in a purring kitten, in the type of weather that makes you feel content and peaceful.
a favorite outfit or item of clothing that helps you feel safe or that you think you look good in,
in surviving the worst part of a depression cycle, embracing your inner bad*ss, and coming out the other side to peace and balance.
nature sounds or loud angry songs that get the poison out and give you a sense of power if you could sing them to your abusers.

I want to give up too, and my T says thats dangerous thinking.

Being at the bottom, you have to get creative, you have to remember you have value to yourself.
Look how long you have survived... find the tiniest thing that makes going on worth it and build steps towards it.

 

[RavenGirl]

@Hope1969, you are very welcome. I meant every word. ♡♡ :hug:Raven