Letting go of the last one...I am so scared

[Susan Jane]

I had one big love in my life. He was an absolute nightmare, and completely mentally unhealthy, and I was attached to him for years. I left him finally, and I got married, and divorced, had a child, starting dealing with all my PTSD, depression, anxiety and then boom he reappeared. I ignored him for a long time.

In 2023 I went to visit him after 27 years of not seeing each other. I could do this because my son was grown, and I didn't fear my big love upsetting anything in my life. I knew it would be hard, but I felt maybe it could heal the past. I was in a really good place, I had been working hard with my therapist about things and I was feeling the best I had ever in my life.

The visit was good, of course we have our differences, but it was the best time we had ever had together. Long story short, it made me ache for the love I thought was lost. Of course that was hard, to feel it again. I had no illusions then about him, he is difficult, full of himself, and yes he had moved forward a bit but, as usual he was not completely honest and I found out he was living with someone.

Now this is not new, he was always a philanderer and I did not go there to rekindle our relationship. Nevertheless, it hurt that he lied. Of course I told him off.....and since then we have sporadic contact. I think it is okay when I am okay.

When I am strong it doesn't affect me so much, when I am low, as I am now, it does. So of course after 5 months of no contact, we disagree about politics and had had a big disagreement, he writes me out of the blue, and as I was sitting in the Dr office, I finally replied very neutrally. Why did I ? Well besides feeling completely alone inside, the honest truth is...that he is the one person I keep hoping will change, and save me.

I know this is completely ridiculous, and naive, but it is so deep inside my core. I think it is because it was always how I felt about my dad, he will wake up and be a father. None of this is true, none of it is reality, but blocking him from writing me is something I do and then unblock and then block. It is like cat and mouse depending on my mood. I cannot be myself with him really, although things are better.

I want to run to him and have him tell me everything is going to be okay and he will protect me. I know this fantasy is not good for me. I want to let go, and not think about it anymore. I am very aware this behavior is unhealthy and probably coming from my child side.

Can anyone relate? Can I feel compassion for myself for not being whole on this issue? Making an exception for someone I believe is my soul mate? Is this a lesson ? I know I should take my own advice and stop letting anyone or anything in my life that isn't good for my mental health. Funny thing my mental health is not good without him, but is it making it worse right now? Did that mail come to test me?

HELP, I wish I could do what I would when I am strong and ignore it and laugh. Right now I haven't been able to and it hurts so much...Is this the trauma from my dad's neglect and me hoping it will change through another relationship that isn't much healthier? Thanks for listening Susan

 

[parrotthepolly]

Do you really believe he is your soulmate cause he obviously isn't if there's a trauma bond and there are doubts and lies aaaand you can't even be yourself, that's the last straw. Guarantee he won't "save" you.

 

[Susan Jane]

Do you really believe he is your soulmate cause he obviously isn't if there's a trauma bond and there are doubts and lies aaaand you can't even be yourself, that's the last straw. Guarantee he won't "save" you.

I never thought about that, trauma bond, have to think about it thank you for your insight...

 

[Susan Jane]

I never thought about that, trauma bond, have to think about it thank you for your insight...

So I had a look at the actual definition of trauma bond, as I was not 100% sure. No I would not say he is the perpetrator... and I am the victim. I think he and I are both connected, do to a lack of love as children. I think we are both bonded to each other, neither of us have let each other go. He is definitely more narcissistic and has trouble sharing his feelings. I am able to share my feelings, and have learned to speak my truth even if he doesn't like it, because I am not afraid of him, or his judgement. This was not the case when I first met him 37 years ago. I don't doubt our love for each other. That DOESN'T make it healthy for me, cause it is a lot of work. I think a better question for me would be, is it helping me or making things worse at this stage in my life?. I am just scared to completely let go of it. I know no one can save me, I have to do that. Maybe he is more my "learn-mate", or maybe I am full of excuses, cause the issue scary. Sharing this truth here is a big step, as I felt ashamed about the whole thing. Owning my part and trying to find out the path way forward is what I am trying to do.... I am not a victim with him, I have the power to shut it down, but I haven't done that completely. I think that is more ME treating myself badly than him. Thank you for your insight, it means a lot to be honest without fear of criticism ....Susan

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I am going through some similar stuff. I find that I get emotionally sucked in and then my anxiety starts kicking in. I went no contact for a bit and did well. Then she reached out about some insurance stuff via text. That lead to some more texts. Last Monday I filed for divorce and I felt obligation to tell her on the phone. We had an hour and a half call that went very well. Then some texts. I realized my anxiety level was elevating and I felt sucked in again. I texted her that I thought I needed to go no contact again and that it was for my emotional well being. She understood so that is what we are doing. What I am finding is that contact with her creates a sense of longing in me that isn’t good for me. I accept that the marriage is over but contact allows my brain to think there still might be a chance and that sets off the roller coaster.

 

[deno]

That ache you described...the fantasy of someone finally showing up and saying, “I’ve got you, you’re safe now.” I know that ache. It lives in a deep place, usually carved out by childhood. It makes sense that the hope for your dad’s love got projected onto him. That’s not weakness; that’s longing in its most human form. But you’re right. This isn’t about him saving you—it’s about the part of you that still needs to be seen, comforted, maybe even rescued. The part that’s tired of being strong and wants to be held. We all have one.

What struck me most is when you said: “Maybe he is more my 'learn-mate'.” That’s wisdom right there. Sometimes the most profound connections aren’t meant to stay...they’re meant to teach. And it sounds like he has taught you a lot: what you want, what you need, what you deserve. Your strength isn't in shutting him out cold. Your strength is in the fact that you see this clearly, even when it hurts. You’re choosing truth over illusion, even when the illusion feels better.

You asked if you can feel compassion for yourself a thousand times, yes. You are not broken for wanting love, and you are not foolish for holding on. You are simply human, someone healing. You don’t need to run to him...you need to run to you! The one that sees all this clearly and is still standing. She’s the one who will protect you now. And she’s doing a great job. Keep going, Susan.

 

[Friday]

Can I feel compassion for myself for not being whole on this issue?

What would you tell your kid, in a similar situation?

I know, low blow. As we fight for our kids in ways we would never even imply in our own lives. Still valid. Turn the mom-brain on yourself. What would you tell them, not feeling whole?

 

[deno]

Reading your post felt like holding a mirror to who I used to be. The way you described reaching out when you're low, the fantasy of being saved, the cycle of blocking and unblocking—it’s like you stepped into pages from my past. I lived that loop. I know what it feels like to dream of change, even when deep down you know the truth hasn’t changed.

I kept putting my hand in the lion’s pit. I wanted to believe so badly that they’d grown, healed, and understood. And sometimes they did change, but only to become more deceptive, more manipulative. What I thought was hope was pain on repeat. What finally broke the cycle wasn’t their change, it was mine.

The truth is, no one comes to save us. That’s not defeat...that’s liberation. Because once we stop waiting for them, we can start showing up for ourselves. You’re already doing that. You're aware. You’re asking the right questions. You’re not lost, you're remembering.

Pain repeats. Wisdom remembers. You’re wiser now. You’re not back there...you are here, doing the hard work of healing and reclaiming yourself. Whatever you decide next, let it be from that place...the one that remembers, and refuses to forget.

 

[Susan Jane]

I am going through some similar stuff. I find that I get emotionally sucked in and then my anxiety starts kicking in. I went no contact for a bit and did well. Then she reached out about some insurance stuff via text. That lead to some more texts. Last Monday I filed for divorce and I felt obligation to tell her on the phone. We had an hour and a half call that went very well. Then some texts. I realized my anxiety level was elevating and I felt sucked in again. I texted her that I thought I needed to go no contact again and that it was for my emotional well being. She understood so that is what we are doing. What I am finding is that contact with her creates a sense of longing in me that isn’t good for me. I accept that the marriage is over but contact allows my brain to think there still might be a chance and that sets off the roller coaster.

I feel you, and thank you for your open honest answer. It is hard owning up to our own truth. You noticing your anxiety and listening to it is a great step. I started listening to it, and I feel powerful and content and then he writes and I feel the anxiety, and don't want to bite, but my hope of a short cut out of this healing creeps in and I go back to fantasy land for a spell. I see fantasy land as a break from the truth, and fantasy land is so much easier than continuing the path, which is full of hurt and longing. It is like watching TV with a happy ending. Saving me is exhausting, when I am in a heavy period of my life. Sending my understanding Lost in the Woods

 

[Susan Jane]

That’s not weakness; that’s longing in its most human form

It seems this longing is something I am ashamed of. I have often felt I needed to be stronger, and have no longings. I have them, I want to feel contentment, being at home inside. I have felt it, just for a few days, and it feels like heaven.

I was able to give home to my son, perhaps frantically at times, as I lacked home myself. I never wanted him to feel this longing. I was a sad, highly functioning mother, trying to make sure he never suffered, which was impossible of course. I still live in the guilt that I should have been a happy mother. Working on that :-)

You asked if you can feel compassion for yourself a thousand times, yes. You are not broken for wanting love, and you are not foolish for holding on. You are simply human, someone healing. You don’t need to run to him...you need to run to you! The one that sees all this clearly and is still standing. She’s the one who will protect you now. And she’s doing a great job. Keep going, Susan.

This made me cry, it feels so sad/good to hear this. I lack compassion for myself, and although I would give it, just as you have, it is not something easy for me. Thank you Deno, for your thoughtful words.

 

[Susan Jane]

What would you tell your kid, in a similar situation?

I know, low blow. As we fight for our kids in ways we would never even imply in our own lives. Still valid. Turn the mom-brain on yourself. What would you tell them, not feeling whole?

It was not a low blow, it was true/honest and thank you Friday, thank you for getting it and taking the time to torment me in a good way

 

[Susan Jane]

Reading your post felt like holding a mirror to who I used to be. The way you described reaching out when you're low, the fantasy of being saved, the cycle of blocking and unblocking—it’s like you stepped into pages from my past. I lived that loop. I know what it feels like to dream of change, even when deep down you know the truth hasn’t changed.

I kept putting my hand in the lion’s pit. I wanted to believe so badly that they’d grown, healed, and understood. And sometimes they did change, but only to become more deceptive, more manipulative. What I thought was hope was pain on repeat. What finally broke the cycle wasn’t their change, it was mine.

The truth is, no one comes to save us. That’s not defeat...that’s liberation. Because once we stop waiting for them, we can start showing up for ourselves. You’re already doing that. You're aware. You’re asking the right questions. You’re not lost, you're remembering.

Pain repeats. Wisdom remembers. You’re wiser now. You’re not back there...you are here, doing the hard work of healing and reclaiming yourself. Whatever you decide next, let it be from that place...the one that remembers, and refuses to forget.

That is true, and yes I cannot fool myself anymore, and it is liberating and painful at the same time. Liberation wins sometimes and the old longing pain of the past and my connection to him wins. I still long for that picture perfect pure love where everything is right. I just get caught up with him, because I am afraid I will never find that, and that "save me" illusion has been with me every day of my life. I am working on that old belief and it is hard to let go of....thanks Deno