Childhood Enmeshment trauma

[KA60]

I have childhood teenage adult enmeshment traums behind my ptsd and catastrophic illness in 2014. I am not going to blame mom dad family of origion forever. I refrained it to cause effect correlation long ago so I could coperate with my physicians therapists etc and take responsibilty for this..My question request for feedback is - my fathers part in thus will not change. He will always try to correct control tell me I am wrong etc. Same with my brother. Their opinion does not matter. I am no contact with my brother. Is there any reason to have any more contact with my father? He is 89. Do I owe him anything? My brother with our last contact said our parents worked their assess off for us. So what..what the H is left to even try to communicate with my father even call on father's day? Thank you. Do I want to continue contact with my fsther? No. Just asking about an assessment of the guilt shame that has already kicked in. Thank yiu.

 

[Movingforward10]

Yeah the guilt and shame are really really hard.
But, I think, and I come to this realisation myself recently, that if the only reasons you want to engage with someone is because you feel guilty and ashamed that you aren't: it is telling you a lot about the state of that relationship.
Healthy relationships that are good for us provide us with other reasons to engage in them. Like joy, love, happiness etc.

What do you need to let go of guilt and shame?

I went low contact with my mother and oldest sister. And, last week discovered I have been disinherited. So, that news has really helped me break free from the guilt. Final confirmation of how differently I am treated. It has set me free. A tangible way to be set free really. I think I am now in 'no contact' with them.

 

[KA60]

The guilt and shame come from being overmedicated by psychiatry for diagnoses that were not valid. Depression bipolar etc when it was all rooted in dysfunctional family dynamics. I became codependent a people pleaser very anxious etc. What should have occurred much sooner then it did- was therapy for ACEs. Control. Coercion. My mother was enmeshed with her parents and sister. My aunt abused my cousins . My mother enabled. The cousins were blamed for bad behavior not being Christian etc. No help for them was obtained. Mo authorities notified. My mother was very controlling my fsther always angry having the last word my way or highway with most family members. I realize now if I had gotten the help I did beginning in 2014 my life would have been different. My life is completely different now due to a catastrophic illness . I went into cardiopulmonary arrest . I had a lot of medical care therapy domestic violence treatment trauma recovery. My father and brother blame me for all of this. That is not true. Yes bad decisions were made by me. But they were linked to my childhood upbringing. After my illness in 2014 a lot of depresctibing of prescription medication was done under medical supervision..Blaming my parents- I am past that. But cause effect correlation. That I get. I was not allowed without punishment as a child to express emotion especially anger. I am also probably an HSP and my family had too much going too many activities unrealistic expectations etc..I had insomnia by age 13..My conversation with my dad 2 days ago was me telling him I am disturbed about the stare of the US..That I have been calling the senators and congress members about Social Security. The trust fund is out in about 76 more checks. My father said there is nothing you can do and my source of information was invalid. He has talked like this to me and other family members his whole life. He did this as well when I spoke to him about the medical care and treatment plans required to recover after 2014. The plans were wrong the doctors were wrong it costs too much money. And of course if I get angry at his responses my anger and me are 100 percent responsible. Not true. Shame and guilt from enmeshment abuse codependency etc. I made totally different decisions after my illness in 2014. None my family what is left of them understands or approves. I cannot meet their expectations. That is the shame and guilt. Plus not good decisions before 2014 from dysfunctional family dynamics and being overmedicated by psychiatry in an attempt to cope with the resultant stress and trauma. Thank you.

 

[Movingforward10]

So how can you let the shame and guilt go?

What helped me move on from shame and guilt is realising it was never me and my behaviour. It was others. And that realisation helped remove shame and guilt. It isn't my shame, it's theirs. And whilst they feel no guilt, it's still not my guilt.

 

[KA60]

Thank you. That helps me a lot. I need to work with my thinking - CBT DBT. I need to relisten to podcasts from Tim Fletcher Teri Cole on enmeshment trauma. Relearn review these dynamics. I do not want nor expect any inheirtance. My mother is dead. He lives 1900 miles away. He is having to use his savings for home health care. Can't drive anymore. Soon will need assisted living then nursing home care. He shot himself in the foot in many ways. He voted for Trump. Trump is dismantling medicaid which has paid for nursing homes. You have been very helpful for me. Thank you so much for your support. I think I am free. I just need more reinforcement of things I learned after 2014

 

[Movingforward10]

Yeah, I just discovered I have been disinherited. Whilst hurtful (my mum has given the flat to my sister), it really helps with letting the guilt go.

Working on how you hold it/let it go is all you can do. Family members don't change.