This post can contain some triggers.. just saying.
Hello everyone, I am kind of new here.. I decided to join since I really don't know where to go. I was a victim of child sexual abuse when I was 9, molested until I was raped (don't remember the age, but before 14) until right now, 19 years old.. Last August to be exact and it was at the same time I decided to tell my parents. Long story short, my grandpa wont set a foot in my house.
Weird thing is, I am starting to experience things, I never really experienced before during my abuse. For the past 10 years, I felt like I was numb and when I told my parents it was like a rush of emotions, I could not sleep, I would sit on the couch and just stare. For the first week, I would cry for no reason, sometimes I would wake up and just weep.
Right now, sometimes I feel like someone is grabbing my heart. Like someone is going to snatch it away, its hard to breath because I feel like there is bricks on my lungs. Sometimes I would have this 'lump' in my throat. I feel scared sometimes, like something bad is going to happen. Sometimes I just feel like i want to shut everyone out and be alone. My best friend who is extremely supportive noticed that I kind of push everything good for me away and just expect bad things, she once told me to stop doing this because I deserve to be happy. Did I mention constant fear? I used to self harm 4 years ago, I relapsed twice in the past 4 months...I do get urges but I promised my best friend to talk to her if had these urges (thank god for her existance). I was once close to suicide too, I really felts helpless and at that time I would just think about how I would do it and when I wanted to do it, my phone couldn't stop ringing (saved I guess?). In the same week I experienced this, I felt that nothing really mattered in my life and I lost everything, which is why I decided to go to counseling. Not to mention, sometimes I would get really sick if I am really stressed out especially before finals, like I'd get high fevers or a really bad stomach pain. I suffer from an acidic stomach and I feel like its not really physical, its all in my head.
Sometimes I think I have symptoms of ptsd, maybe its just in my head. I never really experienced flashbacks or like its happening again but I'd always the image of the rape would be in my head playing. I don't know if I feel any kind of dissociation, not that I do remember (which is an issue). I think i have a really weak memory remembering things especially my childhood. I barely remember anything, just glimpses. I remember the abuse though. And, I do get triggers occasionally, one of my friends got married two days ago and as much as I was happy for her, i couldn't shake the feeling of how 'dirty' i feel.
I desperately want to go to a psychologist, I am a psychology student so I know how bad I need it. Thing is, I cannot. My parents wont let me, now you'd probably say but you are 19, you can do whatever you want because you are legal. I am legal in my country but we live in a conservative society, not individualistic at all, everything is based on your parents. I would run off and just live with my friends but my family kind of have a really strong name between people, and that would just bring shame to them. I don't really care how people see me but I don't think my siblings deserve this kind of treatment.
Also, where I live is extremely expensive and I cannot get a job, I know it would just put extra stress on me and I am trying to keep my grades up to go to grad school. My parents haven't been really supportive, the only thing that they did is push my abuser away. They are letting me deal with it on my own, its like they are saying to me: our support wont get you anywhere, so just pray god that you will be fixed. They are pretty religious and I am not, I don't dare tell them that because dad is a really hard man. He scares me a lot, he used to be in the army so he is so strict and I cant really talk to him as if he is my dad? Its like I am always talking to a general, pretty narcissistic in my opinion. I know he is a good man and he believes me but i just want him to give me support (sorry for ranting). I am afraid, if I tell him anything he wont like he is just going to hit me, he did it before. Not always, few times but it just scares me to the bones.
My only salvation is the counseling center in my university, I've been there few times. The counselor uses art therapy. She seems experienced, from our sessions, she mentioned that she worked with previous cases of sexual abuse.
Do you guys think that this is enough? Or I should probably get a clinical psych or a trauma one? I want to get myself a diagnostic assessment but its pretty expensive and I cannot afford it at my age but what do you think I am suffering from? I just dont know anymore and i kind of feel that this post is useless..
Hello everyone, I am kind of new here.. I decided to join since I really don't know where to go. I was a victim of child sexual abuse when I was 9, molested until I was raped (don't remember the age, but before 14) until right now, 19 years old.. Last August to be exact and it was at the same time I decided to tell my parents. Long story short, my grandpa wont set a foot in my house.
Weird thing is, I am starting to experience things, I never really experienced before during my abuse. For the past 10 years, I felt like I was numb and when I told my parents it was like a rush of emotions, I could not sleep, I would sit on the couch and just stare. For the first week, I would cry for no reason, sometimes I would wake up and just weep.
Right now, sometimes I feel like someone is grabbing my heart. Like someone is going to snatch it away, its hard to breath because I feel like there is bricks on my lungs. Sometimes I would have this 'lump' in my throat. I feel scared sometimes, like something bad is going to happen. Sometimes I just feel like i want to shut everyone out and be alone. My best friend who is extremely supportive noticed that I kind of push everything good for me away and just expect bad things, she once told me to stop doing this because I deserve to be happy. Did I mention constant fear? I used to self harm 4 years ago, I relapsed twice in the past 4 months...I do get urges but I promised my best friend to talk to her if had these urges (thank god for her existance). I was once close to suicide too, I really felts helpless and at that time I would just think about how I would do it and when I wanted to do it, my phone couldn't stop ringing (saved I guess?). In the same week I experienced this, I felt that nothing really mattered in my life and I lost everything, which is why I decided to go to counseling. Not to mention, sometimes I would get really sick if I am really stressed out especially before finals, like I'd get high fevers or a really bad stomach pain. I suffer from an acidic stomach and I feel like its not really physical, its all in my head.
Sometimes I think I have symptoms of ptsd, maybe its just in my head. I never really experienced flashbacks or like its happening again but I'd always the image of the rape would be in my head playing. I don't know if I feel any kind of dissociation, not that I do remember (which is an issue). I think i have a really weak memory remembering things especially my childhood. I barely remember anything, just glimpses. I remember the abuse though. And, I do get triggers occasionally, one of my friends got married two days ago and as much as I was happy for her, i couldn't shake the feeling of how 'dirty' i feel.
I desperately want to go to a psychologist, I am a psychology student so I know how bad I need it. Thing is, I cannot. My parents wont let me, now you'd probably say but you are 19, you can do whatever you want because you are legal. I am legal in my country but we live in a conservative society, not individualistic at all, everything is based on your parents. I would run off and just live with my friends but my family kind of have a really strong name between people, and that would just bring shame to them. I don't really care how people see me but I don't think my siblings deserve this kind of treatment.
Also, where I live is extremely expensive and I cannot get a job, I know it would just put extra stress on me and I am trying to keep my grades up to go to grad school. My parents haven't been really supportive, the only thing that they did is push my abuser away. They are letting me deal with it on my own, its like they are saying to me: our support wont get you anywhere, so just pray god that you will be fixed. They are pretty religious and I am not, I don't dare tell them that because dad is a really hard man. He scares me a lot, he used to be in the army so he is so strict and I cant really talk to him as if he is my dad? Its like I am always talking to a general, pretty narcissistic in my opinion. I know he is a good man and he believes me but i just want him to give me support (sorry for ranting). I am afraid, if I tell him anything he wont like he is just going to hit me, he did it before. Not always, few times but it just scares me to the bones.
My only salvation is the counseling center in my university, I've been there few times. The counselor uses art therapy. She seems experienced, from our sessions, she mentioned that she worked with previous cases of sexual abuse.
Do you guys think that this is enough? Or I should probably get a clinical psych or a trauma one? I want to get myself a diagnostic assessment but its pretty expensive and I cannot afford it at my age but what do you think I am suffering from? I just dont know anymore and i kind of feel that this post is useless..
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