R
RG413
My girlfriend has PTSD caused by prolonged sexual abuse as a child. The abuse happened over a few years when she was very young (between 5-7 years old). Not only that, she was raped in college, about a year before I met her.
We've been very close for over a year, but we didn't start dating until recently. Despite knowing each other for so long, we've only had sex a handful of times (I'm sure you can imagine why).
Sex freaks her out. Not only does it have a tendency to cause her flashbacks, but her abuser would also tell her, "she disappointed him," so she has a very low self-esteem when it comes to sex. I try to build up her condifence and I always let her take control (luckily, I prefer it that way) but it's still hard.
In a way, the lack of sex has been a blessing in disguise. It forced us to form a true relationship, one based on shared interests and an actual friendship. We truly do love each other and both agree that this is the last relationship we want to be in. I've known about her PTSD for a while, and I know what I'm getting myself into (or so I think). I'm willing to do everything I need to do to be with her. I realize it's going to be a challenge, but she's 100% worth it.
That's probably enough background.
So last weekend, she came up to visit me for the first time since she moved back home for the summer. On the first night, we had a quiet night in, and both of us sort of expected that we'd have sex. We had talked about it before and both of us came in excited that we'd be able to relieve all the built-up tension.
We started fooling around and it was business as usual, until it happened. I must have done something, or touched her in a certain spot, because suddenly she shot into a flashback and ran into the bathroom.
We ended up getting into a fight and afterwords I felt terrible. She just launched into this panic attack out of nowhere. Seeing her like that, shaking and crying, just kills me inside. To know that I was the cause of it makes it even worse.
I try not to blame myself, even though it happened because of PTSD, not something I did. But sometimes I think it's easier than admitting the truth. In reality, there's no one to blame. It's not her fault, she didn't choose to have this disorder. It's not my fault, I'm not the one who raped her when she was 7. If anything, it's that person (whom I won't attach adjectives to, out of courtesy to you all)'s fault. It's just something that's there that we both have to deal with.
I think the worst part is the uncertainty. I don't know what sets her off and neither does she. All I know is that when I see it happen, and I'm the one who caused it, it really messes with my self-esteem. I hated myself for putting her through that. I hate anyone who continuously makes her upset. I guess I'm just worried that if I keep accidentally setting her off, that I'm going to grow to hate myself too.
Does anyone else have this same feeling?
It's hard to talk to her about it because I don't want to make it seem like I'm blaming her. I guess that's why I decided to try my luck on this forum. It's hard to complain when I'm not the one who got raped and has PTSD. She has it a lot worse than I do so I feel bad talking about my feelings. But dating her has taken a tole on me. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make but it's a tole nonetheless. Having a support system of my own would be nice.
We've been very close for over a year, but we didn't start dating until recently. Despite knowing each other for so long, we've only had sex a handful of times (I'm sure you can imagine why).
Sex freaks her out. Not only does it have a tendency to cause her flashbacks, but her abuser would also tell her, "she disappointed him," so she has a very low self-esteem when it comes to sex. I try to build up her condifence and I always let her take control (luckily, I prefer it that way) but it's still hard.
In a way, the lack of sex has been a blessing in disguise. It forced us to form a true relationship, one based on shared interests and an actual friendship. We truly do love each other and both agree that this is the last relationship we want to be in. I've known about her PTSD for a while, and I know what I'm getting myself into (or so I think). I'm willing to do everything I need to do to be with her. I realize it's going to be a challenge, but she's 100% worth it.
That's probably enough background.
So last weekend, she came up to visit me for the first time since she moved back home for the summer. On the first night, we had a quiet night in, and both of us sort of expected that we'd have sex. We had talked about it before and both of us came in excited that we'd be able to relieve all the built-up tension.
We started fooling around and it was business as usual, until it happened. I must have done something, or touched her in a certain spot, because suddenly she shot into a flashback and ran into the bathroom.
We ended up getting into a fight and afterwords I felt terrible. She just launched into this panic attack out of nowhere. Seeing her like that, shaking and crying, just kills me inside. To know that I was the cause of it makes it even worse.
I try not to blame myself, even though it happened because of PTSD, not something I did. But sometimes I think it's easier than admitting the truth. In reality, there's no one to blame. It's not her fault, she didn't choose to have this disorder. It's not my fault, I'm not the one who raped her when she was 7. If anything, it's that person (whom I won't attach adjectives to, out of courtesy to you all)'s fault. It's just something that's there that we both have to deal with.
I think the worst part is the uncertainty. I don't know what sets her off and neither does she. All I know is that when I see it happen, and I'm the one who caused it, it really messes with my self-esteem. I hated myself for putting her through that. I hate anyone who continuously makes her upset. I guess I'm just worried that if I keep accidentally setting her off, that I'm going to grow to hate myself too.
Does anyone else have this same feeling?
It's hard to talk to her about it because I don't want to make it seem like I'm blaming her. I guess that's why I decided to try my luck on this forum. It's hard to complain when I'm not the one who got raped and has PTSD. She has it a lot worse than I do so I feel bad talking about my feelings. But dating her has taken a tole on me. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make but it's a tole nonetheless. Having a support system of my own would be nice.
