Other The Trauma That Caused Me to Start Harming Myself

[Rose White]

I’ve never discussed the accident with him. Only about how I felt like no one cared about me in high school and about the sexual assaults and suicide attempt.

How did he respond?

 

[captain jigglypuff]

I’ve talked about the accident occasionally to my case worker and therapist. The kid was always friendly towards me which is why I think the thought that I had become a horrible person for have the thoughts made it feel worse for me. Like I said, I’ve never talked to him about the accident. He’s also the only person who I went to school with that I told the identity of who was responsible for sexually assaulting me for months which shocked him greatly as the perpetrator was one of his friends back then. He felt horrible and angry that the kid did this to me and was at least sympathetic towards me. He told me that if he had known just how bad the bullying was back then towards me, he would have done something to help me and make sure everyone left me alone because he had a lot of influence in the school given his popularity and football playing skills. And I believe him because like I said, he was one of the few kids who left me alone. We only ever had study hall together and I mostly kept to myself. We really didn’t start to interact in school until after he was well enough to come back to school and had to spend time in the IEP room catching up on what he missed while he was in recovery. I was in the IEP room my senior year almost all the time except to go to a few classes because it was one of the few places in the school where I felt safe and could escape from the bullies and try to recover energy that I used up from trying hard not to fall apart completely at school.

 

[Friday]

I reconnected with the kid on Facebook about ten years ago and sometimes message him but I’ve never told him about how his accident unexpectedly traumatized me. Talking to him helps heal the pain a little bit and I want to tell him everything but I’m afraid of how he will respond. I’ve never discussed the accident with him. Only about how I felt like no one cared about me in high school and about the sexual assaults and suicide attempt.

The things you keep speaking towards OCD are on the compulsion side of the disorder (washing hands, light switches, etc.). Pure-O? Doesn’t have that. At all.

Not saying you do have Pure-O. Autism has its own fixations, that can surpass pure-O obsessions, like a lightning bolt surpasses a lightning bug.

What I wonder? Is WHY you’re looking for… more?

You’re HFA, and comfy with that DX.

“This” feels like “more” to you? Or “different” to you. Why?

In no way saying it’s invalid, if it feels different? It probably is. Unless? This is how you react to all 2nd degree trauma. Is this the only person you’ve personally known who has suffered life threatening / life changing injuries, and seen the ripples of that trauma in their lives? If so? It’s a natural fixation. If not? What makes them / their situation different?

 

[captain jigglypuff]

It took up so much energy just to try and make it through the day without falling apart once. I’d come home and be completely exhausted and drained and I just became mostly lifeless some days at school. I had no one to talk to and I was going through a lot of things at home.

I lost both grandfathers within three months and my dad’s father was buried on my 19th birthday which was miserable because I couldn’t even celebrate it because the rest of the family was still in mourning and according to his will or last orders or something, everyone had to eat like a traditional Buddhist vegan for an entire week which meant absolutely no cake and ice cream. I got no gifts and only a whispered happy birthday from my one aunt who felt bad that I couldn’t celebrate my own birthday. I have some trauma losing both grandfathers in such a short amount of time and for different reasons.

At home, my stepmom kept favoring her daughter over me and treated me very unfairly and I started to refuse to listen to her or follow her unfair rules aimed only at me because I didn’t see why I had to things when her daughter didn’t need to follow the same exact rules. For instance, I was allowed to watch only one lousy hour of tv per 24 hour period and that period didn’t end until the time I had last watched tv had begun and news broadcasts, movies, and video tapes weren’t made exceptions. If I went over by a minute or two, I got yelled at immediately. But my stepsister was allowed to watch tv for six hours straight and not get yelled at. So it’s no wonder why I revolted against my stepmom. I was willing to follow the rules if they were fair and my stepsister had to follow them too.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

The things you keep speaking towards OCD are on the compulsion side of the disorder (washing hands, light switches, etc.). Pure-O? Doesn’t have that. At all.

Not saying you do have Pure-O. Autism has its own fixations, that can surpass pure-O obsessions, like a lightning bolt surpasses a lightning bug.

What I wonder? Is WHY you’re looking for… more?

You’re HFA, and comfy with that DX.

“This” feels like “more” to you? Or “different” to you. Why?

In no way saying it’s invalid, if it feels different? It probably is. Unless? This is how you react to all 2nd degree trauma. Is this the only person you’ve personally known who has suffered life threatening / life changing injuries, and seen the ripples of that trauma in their lives? If so? It’s a natural fixation. If not? What makes them / their situation different?

Well I do know someone else who had a similar car accident and lived but I met him years after he had it and I could tell he had some life changing injuries as a result. I guess I’m afraid of the kid becoming very angry at me for the thoughts if I tell him about them. I don’t want to ruin the friendship because he’s sort of helped me heal a bit from some of the high school trauma. He’s sort of like a bridge between me and the high school.

 

[Movingforward10]

Well I do know someone else who had a similar car accident and lived but I met him years after he had it and I could tell he had some life changing injuries as a result. I guess I’m afraid of the kid becoming very angry at me for the thoughts if I tell him about them. I don’t want to ruin the friendship because he’s sort of helped me heal a bit from some of the high school trauma. He’s sort of like a bridge between me and the high school.

I wouldn't tell him. He went through such trauma. You telling him that you felt traumatised by the care others showed him, he could be offended by that. I would seriously keep that to yourself.

He has shown you care. He has also shown you that the messages you give yourself that no one cared about you are not necessarily the full picture.

I keep coming back to why you want all the kids in high school to have noticed and cared? The people who you needed that from were your parents (or whoever was parenting you) and the school teachers. It's their lack of care that was the problem and the bullying in school compounded that.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

I wouldn't tell him. He went through such trauma. You telling him that you felt traumatised by the care others showed him, he could be offended by that. I would seriously keep that to yourself.

He has shown you care. He has also shown you that the messages you give yourself that no one cared about you are not necessarily the full picture.

I keep coming back to why you want all the kids in high school to have noticed and cared? The people who you needed that from were your parents (or whoever was parenting you) and the school teachers. It's their lack of care that was the problem and the bullying in school compounded that.

Yeah. That’s all another reason why I never told him. I don’t want to make his accident all about me because that’s both insulting and offensive.

The reason I wanted to shown that someone cared about me back the is because I was constantly victim blamed for being bullied and the staff ignored my pleas for help and always said it was my fault. I couldn’t trust any of my peers because all I ever heard whenever I tried to say anything was “Shut up! No one cares.” My stepmom greatly favored her daughter over me and I was being mistreated by both at home. Teachers didn’t believe me if I told them I was having an issue and they treated me like I was a liar if the bullies acted like they were the victim which happened a lot more than you’d think it would. The school psychologist literally said that it was of my “own doing” that I was being bullied and sexually assaulted and that the signs of trauma I was showing were all fake and I was doing it for attention and that I was avoiding accepting responsibility of things I did wrong by blaming my classmates when I was actually telling the truth the entire time and the guilty acted like they did nothing wrong. Which meant that no teacher ever believed what I told them. I kept putting myself under unneeded stress and pressure to get good grades because I was constantly afraid teachers were secretly judging me because I wasn’t as smart as my sister and that I needed to get good grades and prove to them that I was worth teaching and not a waste of space. I was told to not to be myself and that I should be just like everyone else which I felt was wrong as I liked being my own person. I wanted someone my age to tell me that I was perfectly fine just the way I was and that I mattered. Hearing it from an adult wouldn’t be the same as it is their job to tell kids that they matter. Does that make sense?