This morning's mail brings a "Dear John" letter of sorts from my GF. We've had a tough go of it and she's undiagnosed PTSD with all of the symptoms, and I do mean all of them. The tough go really started several weeks ago when she put herself into a place where she had a bad series of flashbacks while I was out of town. She didn't have the tools (therapy) to deal with the flashbacks and kept reliving over and over again, the assault. I was not there.
When I came back she basically told me that she couldn't be in a relationship. Since then it's been a weekly thing. We patch things up, tell each other we love one another, then it's back to "get away from me" in different formats. I've been trying all kinds of ways to convince her she needs to go see someone (she has a deep-seated fear of talking to a professional) and so far, nothing has worked. She has a whole lifetime of trauma and abuse that she's only told me the faintest whispers of.
The latest started a week or so ago after I had spent the eight out of 10 nights with her, getting worn out by the "come here, go away," excruciating (for both of us) flashbacks, anxiety attacks with scary symptoms like dizziness and blurred vision, and disassociation. On the 11th night, I was pretty worn out and, deciding that it was a nice night, I went horseback riding with a buddy. I had forgotten that during the previous evening, I had promised her that I would come over and make her dinner. Well, when I told her I was thinking about horseback riding, she didn't say, "Hey, what about making me dinner like you promised?" I even said, "Unless you want me to come over and make you dinner?" She said, "No, you go have fun with your friend and horses." So I did.
Then afterward, we kind of have a big blow-up over it. I write her a letter saying I apologize and she picks up on one thing about me being a such a "dude." My words. She writes, "I never wanted to date a dude. I want to be with a man. Strong, steady, dependable, consistent, with a big heart and smile." Then she goes on to say that she hopes I meet someone amazing who inspires me to be my best.
And here again, I am faced with a choice, just as I was on our very first date nine months ago. She then told me she had been assaulted and I immediately recognized that this was going to be a tough one, but something deep inside of me, in the center of my core, told me to make the choice to date her. It's been like this over and over again and I still am at the center of my core. Weird. In the past with other women, I would have bailed at the first sign of trouble.
I've read up on PTSD, I've joined this forum, I've got confidants and spiritual mentors, I exercise and take care of myself, I find alone time, I occasionally screw up. And here I am. Still. I read her words: strong, steady, dependable, consistent, with a big heart and smile. That's me. I have a choice here. I could stop all of this crap, find a new gal, go back to my old good life. But no, on this morning and probably the next and the next, I choose to stay. When I feel I have lost myself, I will walk away. Not until then. I choose to stay.
When I came back she basically told me that she couldn't be in a relationship. Since then it's been a weekly thing. We patch things up, tell each other we love one another, then it's back to "get away from me" in different formats. I've been trying all kinds of ways to convince her she needs to go see someone (she has a deep-seated fear of talking to a professional) and so far, nothing has worked. She has a whole lifetime of trauma and abuse that she's only told me the faintest whispers of.
The latest started a week or so ago after I had spent the eight out of 10 nights with her, getting worn out by the "come here, go away," excruciating (for both of us) flashbacks, anxiety attacks with scary symptoms like dizziness and blurred vision, and disassociation. On the 11th night, I was pretty worn out and, deciding that it was a nice night, I went horseback riding with a buddy. I had forgotten that during the previous evening, I had promised her that I would come over and make her dinner. Well, when I told her I was thinking about horseback riding, she didn't say, "Hey, what about making me dinner like you promised?" I even said, "Unless you want me to come over and make you dinner?" She said, "No, you go have fun with your friend and horses." So I did.
Then afterward, we kind of have a big blow-up over it. I write her a letter saying I apologize and she picks up on one thing about me being a such a "dude." My words. She writes, "I never wanted to date a dude. I want to be with a man. Strong, steady, dependable, consistent, with a big heart and smile." Then she goes on to say that she hopes I meet someone amazing who inspires me to be my best.
And here again, I am faced with a choice, just as I was on our very first date nine months ago. She then told me she had been assaulted and I immediately recognized that this was going to be a tough one, but something deep inside of me, in the center of my core, told me to make the choice to date her. It's been like this over and over again and I still am at the center of my core. Weird. In the past with other women, I would have bailed at the first sign of trouble.
I've read up on PTSD, I've joined this forum, I've got confidants and spiritual mentors, I exercise and take care of myself, I find alone time, I occasionally screw up. And here I am. Still. I read her words: strong, steady, dependable, consistent, with a big heart and smile. That's me. I have a choice here. I could stop all of this crap, find a new gal, go back to my old good life. But no, on this morning and probably the next and the next, I choose to stay. When I feel I have lost myself, I will walk away. Not until then. I choose to stay.
