I Don't Know How Much More I Can Take

[resistencia]

My heart is heavy tonight.

The other day, I wrote the very long background narrative of the challenges I have had with my Supporter (See: 'Are we at the point of no return?') here in PTSD relationships. I have been literally holding back tears all day because I think that we might be AT that point of no return.

I have been out of work for about a year and a half. My termination came at a very traumatic time in my life and thus, became part of the trauma story. I have finally moved on. I found work. I start this Friday. It's at a job that I think will be good for me. I am happy about it. But this thing between my Supporter and I is slightly spoiling the joy.

My Supporter, the one person I would most want to celebrate this new chapter with hasn't spoken with me since we had an argument this past Saturday. For the past week I have been reeling from a trigger that happened in a bad session of therapy with a therapist I have recently stopped seeing. After that incident occurred, he had busied himself as much as possible, to avoid me, while also working nearly full-time and attending all of his scheduled classes. I have been spending a lot of this time in near isolation, give or take some interviews and a visit with my therapist.

At the sign of trouble with me, my Supporter stopped being available. something about that stood out like a red flag. This irritated my already triggered self and the next time I saw him, I confronted him about his lack of presence. I admit, I was in the thick of a nasty trigger so I did come off as abrasive and I said things in the presence of anger (got my buttons pushed in therapy and was struggling to cope with my feelings in proportion to situations.) He got mad, really furious that I pointed out his avoidance and started accusing me of wanting all of his time to myself, of controlling him. This is simply not true. I have not expected that of him or anyone I know. I believe he was coming from a defensive place when I called him out.

I am accepting of the fact that he can be a very busy person and his decision to spend what little free time he has with others (and not me, especially when I could really use the support and companionship) during a busy week of both work and school is a red flag that something is VERY wrong. Even in non-PTSD relationships, the antennas would go wild with concern. Top that off with the fact that I was triggered and would have calmed down a lot easier if he were to have made himself available for just one night of his free-time.

After that argument, he has shut down and refuses to respond to any attempt to communicate, he ignores me when I speak and does not reply to my emails and texts. In the brief time that he has been home he acts angry and cold toward me and goes out of his way to avoid being near me. Its at the point where he is now only stopping at the house briefly to drop off his school materials from class and then leaves in his car to do what? I don't know. He won't talk to me and he isn't accessible.

I am afraid to confront him about this because I am terrified of what I may hear. That now that I am employed (part-time, mind you) that he is going to expect that I leave and carry on with myself. This treatment is killing me right now. All sorts of good things are taking place of that really unsettling trigger and I have, for the most part, calmed down. I went to my therapist and I'm even going to a second appointment this week because I have had a lot of good and bad stress happen in my life in a very quick and short period of time. I just want to make sure that I am managing OK.

I feel dread, that this is the last straw. That its finally over between us and I am not sure if I am comfortable being treated the way he is treating me. I have done as much as I possibly can to try to help him understand that I have PTSD and that I am trying the best I can to manage. I really think that he has resentment for the fact that I have PTSD and I think that at this point, he would rather be with someone else who does not have it. It is heartbreaking. I couldn't heal fast enough to show him that its not ALL that I am at this point.

I am scared about my housing situation and if he is going to expect me to move out on a part-timers earnings. Doesn't he realize that it takes time to save? Doesn't he realize that it might require communication to let me know his wishes? This disconnect is not like him. I am not sure how to react.
I have pushed myself hard just to get to the point where I can work again. I know that I have to take it slow for a while before I take on more hours. I don't like the thought that he has been waiting for me to find work so he could finally break it off.

It is not enough time for me. I am personally not ready to move out just because I have found employment. The way he is treating me reminds me too much of the Domestic Violence partner I once had and that concerns me right now. I am not sure what to do right now, how to react, what to think... I just feel horrible about this.

At a time when things are finally looking up for me in crucial ways? Why now? Why? Does anyone have any insight? Does the punishment fit the crime? I don't know how much more I can take of this behavior. I have asked him to get help for himself so he can cope with my PTSD and get treatment for his depression and he refuses to do it. I am beside myself here....

 

[resistencia]

The 'Supporter' came home and announced that he wants to break up. He said he spoke with his counselor over the phone, told him that this is what he wants to do, and asked for advice and support. Again, I guess I am learning that no matter how hard I try to progress and get better, I am too crazy. I will always be crazy. I kind of dislike myself greatly right now for the fact that I have PTSD and its something someone can scapegoat. Also, I can't help but feel really angry at his therapist for going along with this nonsense at a time like this.

When i asked him about what exactly happened when he contacted his therapist and came to this conclusion. He shouted that by asking that, that i am being controlling, and accused me of prying, that its 'none of my business' what occurred. All I wanted to do was understand if the therapist supported him. I got to hear how controlling I am. I am at a very raw place and would have no problem admitting to this forum, of all places, that I am controlling toward him. That has not been the way that my PTSD symptoms manifest as far as I experience them. This 'being controlling' accusation is rather new from him. I have tried to go out of my way to be extremely mindful of how control is distributed, after all I am a Survivor of DV and know how much control is worth and what it personally feels like to be dis-empowered. I strongly believe that its not OK to use control over those that I love. Its not love if control and power is the order of the day.

I have learned tonight that for most of the relationship, I have forced him to be with me when he does not want to be. I didn't realize it was like that. I sincerely trusted that he wanted to be with me by choice. I feel betrayed hearing those words. I thought that he was just as in this as I have been. I learned tonight that he 'fell out of love with me' months ago. I didn't realize that either and I feel like a fool for not noticing this. Furthermore, whats awkward is that we still live together and I am not sure how I am going to pull myself together and find a new place to live. I don't know if I can live like this with him.

As for that, he said its just a coincidence that he's decided to end things as I finally found work again and its not 'his' problem to worry about at the end of the day. He has decided to ignore when I have expressed that this decision throws a wrench in many of the things i have to work at to get back on my feet. That the stability that existed here was a big part of the reason that I began to thrive and get better. I may end up in a homeless shelter at some point soon. I can't believe that this is happening again. I am am so freaking tired of going through this over and over. I am so tired of having to be reduced negatively to the person I was in crisis- I was sick, not malicious! I am so tired of being told that this comes down to the fact that he believes that is mostly my fault.

I learned that he does NOT need help, but apparently I do. However, he refuses to recognize that I have made a lot of progress. He is not willing to accept that some of our more difficult arguments were based on the fact that I was triggered by something that was brought up. I have been told that I was just being deliberately agitated and consciously insulting him because apparently, deep down I'm a rotten person.

Tonight, I learned that he is unwilling to acknowledge the role of my PTSD in some of our more challenging times and claims he is uninterested in learning how these times were affected by PTSD. When I asked him what he believes about PTSD after having lived with it through me, he adamantly and angrily refused to discuss about PTSD and started throwing serious verbal venom toward me to the point of tears.

I learned tonight that my history of taking accountability, my commitment to working through my trauma, including him as much as I can in that healing work, my previous apologies for the way I reacted when triggered, and attempts at communication and resolve are not enough- that they have not helped or made any difference in the years we have been together. I learned that he has been keeping score all this time of all of my misdeeds and failings and is extremely resentful and angry with me for all that I have apparently done to hurt him. Apparently, I even use to much water too and ring up the utilities really high. I am now aware that most things I say and do are deliberate insults to him.

I tried to argue that he isn't the only one who gets to have a say in this decision, and how it will go, and he keeps bringing up the idea that I am stepping on his boundaries by suggesting such a thing. I know that some people think I am a good person, that I have a qualities that are worthwhile, don't expect me to be perfect, and recognize how hard I have worked to climb out of crisis. I have found some people who can accept me for me.

What i learned tonight is that he doesn't. I am too scared to let anyone else in though. All he sees is a monster. Is that how everyone I choose to love and be intimate with will see me? And where am I going to go from here? I feel unsteady. I feel pain when I think of the trust I have given this person, despite hearing how awful of a human I am at the bitter end. The volition, the willingness to share parts of myself, these was all new territory for me: what is the point of trying THAT again? What is reflecting in his mirror is not actually me- I know this and I am just exhausted and frustrated.

And this is right before I deal with the 'good' stress of starting a new job? I am so overwhelmed about how I am going to handle this. Please pray for me.

 

[wyrd_dragon]

Hey there,

I've been in a very similar position with one of my past partner/carers. He left me 'out of the blue' after a lot of warning signals that he either refused to discuss or made me feel were unreasonable or unsafe to confront.

It was harrowing and difficult when he left me, with no support, and (as here) turned around and told me that our relationship had been exactly opposite to my views of it. The breaking of trust and the activation of self blame and doubt was awful. You have my sympathy, really.

I understand feeling unacceptable, monstrous, or too crazy to deserve a supportive partner. I really do. The thing is that this person shows so many signs of dysfunction himself, and it really does sound like he's blaming you and your illness or perceived dysfunction to excuse or otherwise explain away his actions.

I, too, have been accused multiple times of being controlling. My therapist put it well: PTSD sufferers are not controlling -- but they do need a certain amount of control and agency in order to feel safe and to make progress. Anyone looking for an excuse, who does not want to face responsibility themselves, is prone to using that against us.

It sounds like, even though you are triggered and this is a really tough situation, you know under it all that his behavior is NOT ON. Even though you probably feel like you can't trust yourself or your instincts right now, and even though he is flat out denying you any agency or the ability to draw boundaries, that doesn't mean that you're wrong.

Everything you've said about how damaging, disrespectful, controlling and threatening his behavior is seems spot on. You can still trust that you know what is and is not healthy.

I really hope that you manage to negotiate this difficult situation while retaining a lot fo the good work you've already done.

Be kind to yourself,

DeathRay

 

[resistencia]

I left the house and am staying with a trusted friend to stabilize and take care. My supporter was dishonest about his therapist being involved and other matters. However, next time I do speak with him it will be in a meeting room with our respective therapists to engage in conflict resolution should I need to live at the apartment before the lease is up.

 

[safenow]

Please pray for me.

Consider it done.

 

[nursenurse]

It is hard to love ourselves when the one person we thought loved us until the end of time, doesn't, but, holy crow, Resistencia, your issues are a drop in the bucket compared to his. While you don't see it now, just from reading here, I think you are well rid of someone who makes you feel all of those horrible things about yourself. Quite frankly, he needs a lot more help, what he has told you and made you believe is nothing short of malicious.

"You is kind. You is smart. You is important." Don't you ever forget that. He couldn't even be honest with you and have that talk with you. The one thing I know as a supporter is that my guy needs honesty. Not put downs. And in the end, PTSD or not, we all need that. He chickened out on his resposibility to be honest with you, to be fair to you. That would be a deal breaker in any relationship.

Be kind to yourself. You can and will learn to love yourself. Refuse to be defined by someone else's negative delusions about you. Continue on your path of healing, because YOU ARE worth it.

Praying too, for you.

 

[resistencia]

Hello All,

Thank you for the words of understanding and support. I recently read something that Anthony wrote pointing out the difference between a trigger and stressor and what he wrote about is something that had been causing problems between my long lost supporter and I.

There have been times, mostly in the early part of our relationship, when my supporter would say the SAME things as people who had abused me. My trigger cues are linked to my sense of hearing. When I heard such things, I would react to my supporter as if he were the abuser.

He didn't get it then. I did, and tried to explain it to him so that he could understand and have opportunity to adjust his behavior. When that failed, and I was still reacting to him the same way as his behavior did not change- I got help.

My being triggered set the stage for a lot of problems. I wasn't honest with myself that he was in fact saying the SAME things and holding him accountable. I was blaming my ptsd and triggers instead. In a way, I taught him how to do this too.

By handling my triggers the way I did before I got help. I became the sick one with thin skin and jumpy reactions. I became the ill one who was in fight or flight because I was hopelessly out of control.

To complicate this, like Anthony wrote, there IS a misunderstanding between triggers and stressors. My supporter has a belief that ptsd is a fake disorder. Therefore, he is more likely to believe that triggers are not real and that he is not triggering me.

However, he wont even call them stressors, he would rather call me cruel, abusive, controlling, manipulative. That my ptsd is a pathological manifestation of my personality of which he is victim to.

This is not true. I asked my T, why is it that my supporter is one of very few people who trigger me? Its not that I go round being constantly irritable and hostile toward others either. Some ideas were: he is male, Caucasian, has the same name as one of my former abusers, is tall, and has similar verbal outbursts that my abusers did. What should be mentioned is that the verbal outbursts LED to acts of physical and sexual violence by my former abusers, which is why what my supporter has said and does say is triggering.

There are times where I have seen my abusers in flashbacks in times during tense moments after being triggered. At the beginning of our relationship, I had been overwhelmed with symptoms and had extreme difficulty coping: I would shout, curse, shake, and react to the words in terror as I did in the past.

To this day, I still see the flashbacks in the form of that past abuser, but I'm more able to let it pass, instead of react to the reminder. I am better able to see that this is coming from him though, that its not that I have been hallucinating, he is actually behaving abusively and my triggers were there trying to help point that out. They are in fact trying to warn me of actual danger, in this case.

Its complicated, I know. I started to explore recently how he reminds me of my older sister who beat the living shit out of me as a child, sexual abuse, verbal put-downs, and bullying.

My mum said I quietly took the abuse, and gave her no indication that it was happening so that she could correct my sister. That is true, I realized my sister was acting out abuse that my father did to her. I felt sorry for her, and was scared to tell.

The incidents with my supporter, especially early on before I started working through my trauma history have not been addressed. It set an impression for him that he is too resentful and stubborn to understand.

Its is easier to blame my triggered reaction as being THE problem. It is easier to assign me to the role of the sick one, so he does not have to take responsibility for repeatedly pressing on my triggers when he is angry and wants to hurt me.

At this point, he does know better with the education he has received in his trauma therapy. From what he told me on a good day, he said his therapist had talked to him about the ways he expresses his anger and how it activates my triggers.

Around this time, he chose to stop seeing his therapist, claiming that he was too busy. That's when things got worse and leads us to today. In the safety of a friends home, I am starting to put the pieces together. To examine myself and my history with my supporter, and face the truth.

Even when I was hospitalized once, he was so paranoid that his behavior toward me would be brought up and his buddies told him that i could press domestic violence charges on him he chose to take the offense.

When the case manager at the hospital asked for his input on what brought me to the hospital, he told them that I abuse HIM, made up details about my earlier days with flashbacks and triggers that were not true: he said I physically assaulted him and broke a bottle of beer over his head, which I didn't and wouldn't do.

Unfortunately, they believed him over me because I was in the hospital bed, not him. I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) because of the lies he told to protect himself. They told him to leave me. To his satisfaction, they left him with the belief that he is a victim of my mental illness. Without my consent or even as much as telling me, he moved my belongings out after that.

And its difficult, because I ended up hospitalized because he was playing with my fears ans triggers with no relief and pause, telling me he would throw me put on the streets, and said whatever hurtful things he could to the point where i attempted suicide.

My supporter didn't talk about this with the case manager and was likely very afraid that I did. This is why he chose to take the opportunity to turn the tables, to have a counter-story to avoid these imaginary charges I was likely to press.

The treatment I received at the hospital was not adequate or appropriate (to my horror, I was treated as his abuser) because of what he lied about. When I was released, he blamed to case manager for misinterpreting what he told her, so I wouldn't be hurt by his behavior and how it affected my treatment.

I don't know what good, at this point, a session of conflict resolution will do with our therapists, with regard to healing the relationship. Heck, I don't even know if he will agree to show up. I know that he can be manipulative with therapists, so it may be rough and he may try to say things that are simply not true about me again.

Thankfully, I have a therapist that sees what has been going on and will make it fair for both my supporter and I. The heartache and betrayal are immense. Its hard to admit that I have been in an abusive relationship again. I thought that this time was over, but I remember that it is not me who wanted or caused the abuse.

I loved him and respected him as highly as I do myself. His behavior and belief of me is not what I hold to be true. I am sad to know that this is what he believes. I am lost in a way right now, its going to take a lot of work to rebuild the trust I have lost through this whole ordeal.

However, I will finally be able to heal, to sort out triggers, stressors, and all that makes my ptsd tick so that if I ever feel ready, that I will meet and love someone who is not willing to use my ptsd against me. Who sees me as a survivor and loves that I am.