I Don't Know What To Do With My Relationship

[Faolán]

I don't know where to start. My supporter is usually caring, he does a lot for me and shows genuine interest in my wellbeing. But he also never talks about what bothers him - not with me, not with anyone else. And while I'm thinking that everything is going more or less well, he is slowly crumbling without me knowing and then suddenly explodes. Which is understandable given my behaviour and that he has no-one to talk to, but it gives me a lot of instability. When this happens he usually says very hurtful things.

This weekend he found my cigarettes - I used to smoke to keep my breathing under control when I panic and didn't tell him this because he judges people who smoke very badly. I'm aware that this is not the best coping strategy, but I haven't smoked in a few weeks and was quite proud of being able to control myself like this. Of course he didn't believe this. I tried to explain to him that I believe a slightly bad coping strategy is better than no coping strategy. Because I become suicidal when I can't stop calming myself down.

He then said the most hurtful phrase I ever heard from him - "let me know if you ever decide to kill yourself so I can leave you before that and am out of here". Because he will be hurt if I do anything like that, and because he thinks an act like that is partly selfish because I don't consider other people around me.
He didn't mean to say that. He was incredibly sorry. He sent me a few texts after I kicked him out saying that he is a complete asshole. But I can't forget what's been said even if it was in the heat of the moment.

I later found out that finding the cigarettes and judging me for smoking was just the tip of the iceberg. He is desperate because we don't have what he considers a normal relationship. When I started therapy almost a year ago we made a deal. That I focus on my wellbeing. That I don't have to initiate body contact if I don't want to and that from now on everything goes in my pace. Before that, we had a sexual relationship. But I was struggling a lot with it because I thought this is what a normal relationship is about. He didn't know that I was struggling so much with it and when he learnt that I did, he said maybe we should stop for a while until you get better. And we're still stopping. And he misses intimacy, closeness, body contact. I don't. My focus was to look after myself for the first time in my life, but intimacy is still far away on my road to recovery.

He wants a normal relationship. With me. Which he is not going to get soon. And it's breaking him. He says he loves me and I think he truly does, but this relationship makes me feel unstable. On the other hand he is probably the most caring person I have met. Usually. I asked him why he is still with me if I can't give him what he needs. He says that he has still a spark of hope left. A spark. I don't know what to do. I told him I need time to think.

I discussed parts of this with a friend (the saying hurtful things bit) and she said that relationships are about compromises and that they are never perfect. But how big a compromise do I have to make, and does my compromise have to be bigger than that of other people because I don't "function properly" and should be happy that I have someone who wants to stay with me? I don't know. And I'm sorry for this huge post, I just needed to write this down.

 

[Weemie]

sometimes we stay with the same people because they feed our patterns. it's comfortable, even if it's hurtful and difficult. it's something our brains know. that level of change is a crisis, changing your life, your patterns, your space. so we stay, because things are still. you can love a human being without staying. you can love someone until you die without enabling yourselves to fall into unhealthy, repetitive circles. sometimes the growth point just disappears. when that happens, i say it's time to move on. when there's a ceiling on growth, you know. it's not about you or about him, it's about you both together.

 

[GWhizz]

I think communication is essential. You both need to sit down and reevaluate exactly where you're both at and where you would ideally hope to be, how you may both make that work etc. Or whether it's just not possible. It's best to try to be realistic.

It sounds like he is very committed. But maybe he believed a year ago that you would be in a better place than you're at now. Has he ever attended a therapy session with you? I just question his knowledge and understanding of ptsd. Does he realise there will be ups and downs, that you cannot promise never to have a bad day etc?

I know my partner initially felt that therapy would fix everything. That's his mentality though - he wants to find a solution to a problem. But he didn't realise it wasn't so simple initially. Now he understands the complexity of it all, he's a lot more supportive and gives me a break when I need it. Push a sufferer when they're down and you'll be the straw that broke the camel's back...

I hope you can talk this through rationally. I know it's hard. But if it's worth saving, you'll both commit to doing all that you can to make it work.

Remember to consider the totality of your relationship, ptsd aside.

 

[Faolán]

Thanks to you both. Now that my initial anger subsided I'm starting to get a more objective look at the situation. Thanks for helping me with this.

@lightraze your comment made me very emotional because there's so much truth in it and it reflects parts of what I feel. It made me start thinking about some very fundamental things. I have a habit of staying with people who feed my patterns in a harmful way. Sometimes it's difficult to figure out if that's still the case.

Especially when all you can think is black or white. Partner makes a mistake and hurts me - my brain thinks he is a bad person. I shouldn't be with a bad person. But I keep forgetting that all humans make mistakes, and that this doesn't automatically mean they are bad.

@GWhizz it sounds like my partner is similar to yours in this respect. He is the type who wants to fix everything and if he can't help fixing he feels helpless. It's very difficult for him to understand that sometimes he can't provide me any comfort.

He has never attended a therapy session with me, mainly because I wouldn't want it (not feeling ready for it), but I did give him some readings and he felt really committed at the beginning. I guess the complexity of it all makes him feel overwhelmed, plus he also seems to have some unresolved issues of his own which I don't know much about but it adds to the dilemma. Also, because of all the ups and downs and his habit of not being very empathic at times I retreated back into my safety shell. I was more open to him about my ptsd at the beginning of therapy, but because my brain only seems to register his negative responses I have lost trust and he doesn't really know what's going on inside me at the moment. Not really a good strategy for keeping a relationship going, but I can't really help it.

Also thanks for remembering me to consider the totality of our relationship. At the moment it's like ptsd is hanging like a dark cloud above us...