I Dont Need You, So Get Off My Case!

[tphillips117]

"You have to trust me, even if just a little bit at a time. If you dont, you'll never accomplish what you want. What do you want, by the way? This relationship isnt about us, it's about you."

Sounds innocent, right? Sounds like the sort of thing you want hear from your Therapist (T.) But after I decided more than a week ago, to take a break from therapy, I've not heard from my therapist since. No call, no reply to a follow up email, nothing.

So he wants me to trust him, when he's repeatedly unreliable? Stating that I can email him whenever I choose but he will decide if he'll write back or not. I guess this is one of those times. Nevermind the fact that he's getting $160 per 50 minute session every week, forget the fact that I have a $500 annual deductible that I just paid, forget that I have trust issues that I cant seem to overcome.

Maybe I don't need him after all. But I cant help but feel a little betrayed, annoyed and frustrated by his actions.

I hope I can get over this on my own and say to hell with all these "professionals"!

 

[safenow]

Not all therapists are like him.

 

[The Albatross]

You terminated his service. In my area I have never had my therapist follow up when I have elected to do so. There is a waiting list in my area. Trusting a mental health professional doesn't mean that they are obligated to follow up with you after stopping therapy. But, when I was in crisis once, and my husband was in crisis a separate time, my T bumped his scheduled appointments and voluntarily came in to see he and I at 7 a.m. on his own time to assist us until a regular appointment opened up. Don't sell these people short, many take their client relationships very seriously. I am though one of those who never presumes to call my therapist after business hours or expect an answer to an email or a follow up call if we decide to terminate service.

Various mental health professionals have their own guidlines, for their own reasons. I hope you find, if you need to, one that better suits but my therapist did not encourage nor did I presume to expect to have contact outside of scheduled sessions. I had an emergency plan to use first if I needed to.

 

[tphillips117]

I left a message, didnt ask for any "outside" services. There is a such thing as a courtesy call or email to let me know he got the message. I did NOT terminate the service. I'm taking 6 weeks off. He is off this week for vacation and I don't consider that "termination".

I don't have any contact outside of sessions, other than the busniess end of the relationship. It doesnt seem fair. I pay my bills, I show up on time every week. So, I'm not going to apologize or feel bad for being annoyed that he didn't call back or email to acknowledge my call.

 

[Abstract]

Hi TP,

I certainly don't want to invalidate your anger and hurt. Your feelings are important and I can hear you feel very betrayed.

It is however important to note that some therapist allow no contact at between sessions unless it is a very serious emergency and that many others allow emails but with the understanding that they will not or may not answer - it is quite common. I say that not to undermine how you feel but rather as I think it is important as being under the impression that it is unusual and automatically shows lack of care could increase your hurt and feelings of abandonment.

Your T may well be an uncaring selfish idiot! I really would not know but not answering emails is normal practice. And the reasons for having boundaries like these can be many and most can be about that professionals opinion of what is in the best interests of the client.

That in itself may not be in your best interests and you may need someone different but in and of itself it is not an indication that a therapist is abandoning the client or does not care. There are really many reasons that are about caring for you as the client so please don't give up on therapy.

 

[Hashi]

I think this is the therapist that you had already posted about that things didn't seem to be going great? It sounds from everything you say that he's really not a good therapist for you and what you want. Maybe that six week break would be much better as a permanent one.

I agree with the others and would encourage you not to give up on therapy. It might be a very good idea to give up on this particular therapist, though. It sounds like he has stated that you might not get a response to contact outside sessions, but from what you say that's not right for you. It doesn't sound like much about him is right for you.

 

[Abstract]

Actually TP,

I keep thinking of you as it seems to me that you are feeling very trapped and distressed without having an idea of what way should be forward. And with each of your threads you sound more in trouble. ?

I don't know of this helps at all but what I eventually started doing is acknowledging when something isn't working for me on the whole and then trying as best I can to figure out what I would need to make it easier.

I know you have said that trust is terribly difficult for you and I relate to that too. What do you think is keeping you with this therapist? Can you define it? Is it that you feel you have to make it work or it is a failure in a sense? Is it that you just find yourself in a place where you can't see a way out? What is it that is holding you in it? I have stayed way way longer with therapist than I should of in the past and on occasion that has been damaging for me.

Can you start thinking of what you want or need in a therapist and therapy? Sometimes what we want is unrealistic (I just mean this generally) but it is at least a start and we can at least find a therapist and an approach that is closer to what we think is ideal. And then there is an extra indefinable factor - that we can have an instinctual rapport with the therapist. Or at least more of a rapport than is usual.

What are the choices that you have access wise? Are you having private treatment? How did you find this T? See if you can take a breath and do some grounding and then try to prise this apart a bit.

PS. Also. Did you ever manage to find out what approach he works with? It sounds like you felt more comfortable with the therapist before him. Can you find out what approach she uses? I am sure there are many here who will be happy to share their experiences and help you work through this.

 

[tphillips117]

Abstract,

I'm not sure what I need. The more I go to therapy sessions, the more confused, irritated, anxious, and stressed I feel. I'm sort of jealous of the people who "love" therapy, because I've never once liked it, let alone love it. I force myself to go, like I force myself to get an annual GYN exam. I know I need it, but I still dread it.

What I dread most about it, is the requirement for me to talk about what is on my mind. I feel like my head is an infinite, empty shell and I literally can't think of a single thing to say. I stress out! I tell him, "I'm not thinking anything", and he'll just sit there and stare at me. The only thing I think about it when the hell is my 50 minutes going to be over.

It is NOT all my T fault. It really is me. Its my conditioned brain to hide everything. My head screams at me "Don't tell! Be Quiet! You're gonna pay for this!", "There are going to be consequences for sharing that!". The more he pressures me to trust, the more I dig my heels in and not trust. The more he asks me, the thicker my concrete wall around my soul gets.

I have shared this with him. I've been vocal about it. His type of therapy is (from what I can gather)--talk therapy. He has said that CBT is nothing more than saying to a client "You feel sad? Well think happy thoughts and you'll feel better". He said it's not an effective therapy for trauma clients. Fair enough, I guess.

Yes, I have private therapy. My insurance covers most of my weekly cost. Each session is $160. I pay $60 and my insurance covers the rest. If I saw an in-network T, I'd only have to pay $15 per session and they are unlimited, which is very nice. Dr. A (my current T), is out of network. I was referred to him after my previous T, whom I only saw for one month, decided to retire.

I don't want to give up on my T. I know that I am my own worst enemy and this problem will continue to be an ongoing theme no matter where I went. I like my therapist, despite his shortcomings, and I want to be a "good client". I think the problem is that he doesnt know how to give me what I need, and I don't know how to accept what he's willing to offer.

I would like to feel understood. Even if he can't possible relate to what I'm saying, just show me a way...show me the way out of here.

 

[safenow]

Its my conditioned brain to hide everything. My head screams at me "Don't tell! Be Quiet! You're gonna pay for this!", "There are going to be consequences for sharing that!".

My uncle and his group literally did program me. Even now, when I talk about them, or what they did before they died, I get triggered, and within myself all sorts of horrible trauma crap comes back into my mind and body. It really sucks.

I want to make a comment on CBT, if you don't mind. Go to the diary section, and read what Anthony says CBT really is. You will find it a lot different than what your therapist claims. Frankly, I think your T is full of Sh**.

 

[Abstract]

TP,

I actually am impressed by your self awareness. I can tell you I did not have that much for a long long time.

I truly think this is not about who is right or wrong or good or bad. It is rather about what is going to help you the most.

I don't know if it helps to know this or not but usually I am unable to speak more than a few sentences in the 50 minutes. And for much the reasons that you mention. Sometimes I dissociate and can't speak but sometimes I just can't get the words out. It feels too dangerous. Other times I literally can't think at all. My brain is blank and it is as if I have hit a stone wall. Eventually someone explained to me that that can be a type of dissociation. Just like not being able to feel emotions during T can be one too. That is the norm for me too by the way. I seldom feel anything or have any ability to understand what has been discussed in therapy. And in fact the delay can extraordinarily long. I mean months and even years at time.

What is really really important is that you tell him these things. He can't work out a way that this can work for you unless you do. And unless he can find and is willing to find a way for this to work a little more for you then it sounds like you are finding it damaging.

No matter who I see I am going to struggle to speak. I am going to have major trust issues. I am going to dissociate in one way or the other. But if I am with a CBT T it would be worse. If I am with a person that for no fault of anyones can't really understand me then that would make it worse. If I am with a pure strict psychodynamic therapist who is not willing to reassure me and sometimes speak and advice me then that will make it more difficult for me. In other words although I think we tend to be dealing with the same issues I do think some therapy is going to be easier than others.

When you can't discuss something what happens in your mind? Mine goes in stages and skips from one thing to the next.

I will give you an example here. You obviously find sending an email and not getting a response upsetting. What happens if you don't get a response? For me I would want to have definite rules about what would be responded and what not and in how long. The only way I would be able to tolerate sending an email and not getting a response is if I know all along that there will definitely not be one. If you not getting a response is injuring you then you need to tell him that and try to come to a solution with him.

Can you see how that is different from just labelling him as greedy and uncaring? Or labelling yourself as hopeless? You do have old wounds that need to be dealt with. That something innocent that he does re injures them is not his fault or yours but it still needs to be addressed.

I have to say the more that you describe him the more he sounds psychodynamic to me.

I would like to feel understood.

I may not have this right but to me it seems you are saying you need a lot more reassurance than you are getting. I think you are also hoping that he will tell you how to make it better. Is that right? Just remind me if you have had any skills training at all? Are these two therapists the only therapy you have had?

 

[anthony]

Therapists cannot give you a courtesy email or response when you send them something. They cannot spend their time running around after one client who feels they deserve more than other clients, regardless of your trust issues.

You are the one with the trust issues, not them. You are the one who wants them to help you, yet you use the very issue you seek help for to continue perpetuating the issue you seek help for. Therapists are busy people... you aren't their only client no doubt, and they do have lives outside of their clients. Needy clients after trap therapists into committing time to them, which typically only brings a lot of trouble for them, from clients stalking them, harassing their partners, trying to get their attention at the drop of a hat to suit their needs, and so forth. Mental health is a field that has a lot of boundaries... of which your requests are the exact reasons for these boundaries. Your therapist sounds like an ethical one from what you state, because they aren't playing into your game of neediness and expecting them to jump through hoops when you want them to, versus you fighting past your fears in coming to them so they can help you, to help yourself.

I concur with your therapist on this one. Sorry.

 

[tphillips117]

Anthony,

I really have no idea what you are talking about. I stated that I only contact my therapist for the business end of the relationship--appointments, cancelations, payment, etc. I disagree that you think that is "Needy". Seriously?

I doubt my therapist thinks I'm stalking him because I said that I was taking 6 weeks off and just want to make sure he got the message. No offense, but that seems rediculous!