I dont need you, if you need me try harder....

[Rani G2]

So, oh what a surprise, a totally new issue I'm dealing with...

When I met family after so many years I realized that I did miss them, but I realized that many have a very small capacity to deal with human failure, a strong attitude towards morality and gender roles. This is culture based, this is how that society has been conditioned. Even though I can differentiate, I get angry because I feel people are so soaked in those worlds that they are not trying to differentiate. How do I know? Maybe they Do? Its just that I am probably not able to see those aspects?

If I had a healthy sense of deeply rooted selfworth, I would know (Emotionally as well) That we are equal no matter what.

The thing is, that there is this strong voice that says that
I dont get the attention I actually deserve. As if a small child is asking for it, and if she doesnt get it she acts like a child who throws tantrums. I cut off people yelling that I am way too smart, pretty and how dare they ignore me?

When I cut off, I think “huh F* you hope you suffer and that you learn your lesson“. After coming out of that state I am aware of the fact that those people are unaware why I behaved the way I did? They are just totally dumbfounded, and have no idea? Why should they? It makes no sense to them. Being this way, I have no friends, and have not much nourishing relationships.

From an objective point of view I know how irrational that is. Its just that I cannot get out of that thinking process once I feel hurt because someone is not giving me that attention.

Now, because someone said something, I cut her off, saying extremely mean things about her.

I am tired of this... I need some inner sorting out

Thanks

 

[shimmerz]

I have a different type of state that I fall into. But still, it is a state and I know how quickly they can come on, how much they can take one over, and the hangover once I have come out of the state.... of OMG, how do I do damage control?

Are you triggered into this state, do you know? Is their consistency and a sudden stop/start of when this hits you? Are you aware on any level that it is happening when it is?

 

[Rani G2]

how much they can take one over, and the hangover once I have come out of the state.... of OMG, how do I do damage control?

Shimmerz!!! Thanks.

Yes, those aftershocks when I acted that way, mostly internally, are massive. I fall into depression, I feel sad and extremely vulnerable.

In that very moment those dialogues are strong, the voice which says “huh how dare they“ or “people have NO honest interest, F* em and so on.“

I think my awareness is pretty low, I am aware but that parts cries out for recognition.

 

[shimmerz]

No particular type of event that triggers you into them that you know?

 

[Rani G2]

Shimmerz, its there most of the time. The voice-thoughts-emotions.

These words of wanting to heighten myself like
"I am a very special person, others are moatly ordinary" behind that lies sadness and a childlike emotional state. In that very moment I feel less worth which turns out to be shame because I think that way. Its like two parts of the same:

"I am so special and others should honour me"

and at the same time: You havent done anything you are just all about showing off

This leaves me depressed

 

[shimmerz]

Not sure if researching shame as it relates to trauma? If it calls to you, maybe something like this article (and there are plenty more), could help you to bring that shame to a higher brain position so that you can challenge it?

Treating PTSD as a Shame Disorder, and the Role of Compassion - Bridges to Recovery