I don't understand what's happening in my head

[leira]

I've read about dissociation

I've seen people discuss dissociation

I've had to acknowledge the feelings of not being connected, not being real, that reality isn't substantial.. .which I guess is a form of dissociation (?)

I've talked for years about different "moods"... where my responses vary, my typing style is different -- if I'm really upset and lost, I won't use capital letters -- they are physically painful to use... and other moods, I'm pedantic about the use of grammar, punctuation, capitalization -- my writing is concise, precise, clipped. And then.. you know the kind of messy normal that is somewhere in the middle..

I know that who I am and how I behave "morphs" with who I am with.. that I "chameleon" in with those around me... my own form of blending, I think.

BUT, I've never lost time -- well, other than really tough therapy sessions where I know I checked out or had a lot of noise in my head and then maybe I didn't remember the content of the discussion.. but I'm not the kind of person who finds stuff I don't remember buying or meets people who know me but I don't remember knowing them before, etc.

So I've always said I'm a single in nature... that this parts talk doesn't apply to me.

Until starting therapy with a therapist who relies more on emotional content and connection (I had a very intellectual/rational trauma therapist before him, but she recommended me on because she thought he could take me further than she could).. and then as an adjunct, at his recommendation, I've added in twice monthly EMDR sessions.

It's both of them that seem to have opened these doors, and I don't know what they mean or how real they are but suddenly there are distinct presences in my head, entities that are separate from me, and many times the plural pronouns apply, and whereas I always referred to my younger self in the past in the third person she, now "she" can mean any of these entities, too.. and I don't understand them at all, or what's going on.

I need to hear from someone who says yeah, that sounds familiar, you're not going stark raving crazy. Because I feel like I've gone down the rabbit hole.

And if I encounter a part.. who when asked if I had an image.. I did -- a straggly girl hunched over on the ground on hands and knees, head on the floor.. and she's mute, so mute... and somehow I know that when the rest of us fled, she's what stayed and took the blows, took the abuse.... and I can't reach her because she's nothing but a shell, and a mass of pain, and so abandoned..

What do I do with that?

 

[Sideways]

I need to hear from someone who says yeah, that sounds familiar, you're not going stark raving crazy.

You're definitely not going crazy!

Talking to a T about this, especially one who deals with dissociative disorders, might be really helpful. You've said a couple of things that suggest what you're experiencing isn't DID, but you may be experiencing other forms of dissociation, and understanding how that's working for you, what exactly it is that's going on, might be really helpful.

It's also worth visiting BPD. That can often present similarly to DID, where there is a noteable shift in the personality from one situation to another, although without the dissociative features of losing time and the concept of self.

Identifying (and even visualising) the hurt, traumatised part of you that experienced your abuse as an "inner child"? That's something a tonne of folk will relate to, and identifying that inner child can even become a key part of the recovery process. So, you're definitely not crazy.

 

[leira]

You're definitely not going crazy!

Talking to a T about this, especially one who deals with dis...

Thank you for the reassurance.

Definitely, both therapists seem comfortable with discussing this (moreso than I am) -- and neither seem to be applying the label DID, although dissociation gets mentioned a lot. And fragmenting, and the need to integrate, or being dis-integrated. So some of the terminology seems to get used, but not all of it.

I talked to my weekly therapist after posting this, and he agreed it is "crazy-making" but not being crazy.

How is it I can have a dialog in my head, though, and really feel like there's a dialog? (Or in this case, an attempt at dialog and a complete shut down/mute/overwhelmed response in return).


Does wounded inner child mean there's a child-like thought process in there you can engage with? Because that seems to be where I am.

 

[sleepingwolf]

Yea, not crazy at all. I relate to a lot of what you have said. I experience disassociation and a variety of Inner 'parts', but I never lose any time or 'jump' between any, like others do. So perhaps we have similar experiences in that regard.

I used to feel some parts of myself where far away, but in time they have come closer and it's just 'me' now. I would recommend focussing on the creative side too, of what various 'parts' like, enjoy and want to experience. If I'm not too careful I can just stick to one thing, one set of tasks...so on. Whilst I also like doing different things, sometimes quite different things! I love Academic style Classic books, as well as cheesy comic books, for example! (different parts, one likes only one) :D

Good luck with it all!

 

[Sideways]

How is it I can have a dialog in my head, though, and really feel like there's a dialog?

People's heads can be noisy places! There's nothing necessarily unusual or unhealthy about an internal dialogue, or even the occasional internal crowd:)

 

[zoe]

I've read about dissociation

I've seen people discuss dissociation

I've had to acknowledge the feelings...

Leira,

Having gone through and still going through a lot of the same things you are talking about I can only share what my therapist told me – “You’re not going crazy “. I think he has said it hundreds of times and I might believe him one day.

This is a little difficult to talk about because I am struggling with similar issues. There are times when I realize I am not acting like myself. I say and do things I would not normally do. It is usually for a short period of time (I think) and suddenly I feel confused and scared and then I am back to “me”. I am aware of what happened but for years would not talk about it because it felt so crazy. I have more recently started talking about it with my therapist. He explained it as traumatic memories/experiences/feelings that were so difficult to deal with that I had to keep them separated from the rest of me. It is like having voices in your head saying conflicting things. It is scary and frustrating and I am spacing out just writing this. I just didn’t want you to think you were alone.

I have also used the third person to describe these parts of me. I don’t think I have DID. I am aware of these different parts but I think they are truly just part of me. I just need to learn how to deal with them. It is truly crazy making and I believe one day I will understand better. For now I am just trying to push through the fear and hope it is better when I am done.

I wish you the best. It is a long journey. You sound like someone who will come out feeling sane, not crazy. Take care.