Childhood I Dont Understand

[lostforgottensoul]

I had a dream thats so confusing me. I know dreams are just dreams but i had one once that my therapist said couldnt say better what we were doing in therapy and what im trying so hard to do (get better) any better.

I was typing it all out when i woke up but fell asleep again in the middle of it but details dont exactly matter.

I was with my mom, a guy was there with his son about 6 or 7, i was playing with the kid, laughing and having a good time, the guy at one point was naming off all my hurts and fears that I didnt tell him about and he was saying "its ok" and saying without saying that he accepted me anyway.

And then my mom, I ended up loosing her, she was supposed to be somewhere and wasnt there and I was frankic. Completely frankic and freaking out.

The guy was helping me look for her while people kept getting in our way (they were there for a wedding) and there were an overload of people and making it so much harder and even in my dreams im terrified of people but my freak out about loosing my mom was all that mattered at the moment and I was pushing my way as hard as i could through the loads of people looking for her.

And then guy reached in the door and pulled me out. He offered to help me look outsife and we searched all over but couldnt find her and I was so franktic.

Finally late at night/wee hours of the morning she comes in the door saying some weird shit about some lady, that I could tell didnt exisist, and just some weird shit in general.

I dont remember if i hugged her, that would be odd and i dont ever remember us ever hugging...even as a small child I dont remember my mom ever wanting to touch me or comfort me.

But I was frantic and beside myself when I couldnt find her, looking everywhere for her and releived that she was ok when she got back; thats what im confused about.

Arent I supposed to hate her? Or at least rageful at her? Not frankic if she goes missing, frankicly looking for her and freaking out when I cant find her and relieved that she was ok when she came home.

Now im more confused that ever the "I hate her but I love her at the same times".

Not sure why Im writing this. Im sure most will say she's you're mom and you're supposed to love her but I think the I hate her but love her will always be a confiction but does "my mom" in this dream actually represent "the cult" and my frantic efforts to 'find her' maybe thats frantic efforts to 'get the cult back' in my brain?

But if thats the case I dont want it back so why would franticly look for it? It makes it so I cant seem to control anything about my brain, why would search for that? I havent gotten the controls back yet to my brain so thats not 'missing' but im just confused at why I would be so frantic about my mom being lost and fight so hard to find her and so relieved when she came home?

I havent spoken to her since I was 19 so i dont know how she is nor do I care but I also dont wish harm on her (or on anyone for that matter) and I would likely be very VERY sad and upset if something happened to her.

But I also hate her and so rageful which is still directed at me but im trying to turn that towards her and 'them' and my rational side says thats where it belongs.

I know its just a dream but maybe its my subconscience? Ive never had a dream like this about my mom, that i 'cared' about her and her well being before.

Im so confused...

 

[scout86]

For a start, I don't think there's any such thing as what you're "supposed" to feel. Ever, but especially not in a dream. We feel what we feel. That's it. Other people might have opinions on what we're supposed to feel. There might be something that "most people in a situation" would feel, but there are no "wrong" feelings. Feelings are not facts. They just exist.

Dreams confuse me too, but my T says they can be pretty useful. He usually starts by asking "So, what, in the dream, do you connect with parts of yourself?" (And I usually respond to that with "What?" LOL)

In your dream, how about the possibility that the mother you were looking for so frantically is the mother that you SHOULD have had? Or would have ideally had? A mother who wasn't too messed up herself to do the job, in other words?

 

[Sideways]

It sounds a bit like the dream is an expression of anxiety, confusion & loss...which are all feelings that I'm guessing you can relate to at the moment maybe?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

but my T says they can be pretty useful. He usually starts by asking "So, what, in the dream, do you connect with parts of yourself?" (And I usually respond to that with "What?" LOL)

My therapist says the same thing (sometimes differnt words) and I say the same thing.

I once had a dream that bothered the f*ck out of me, i was driving and a baby in a diaper was hanging by its neck from my side mirror and i was trying to "save the baby" while still staying in the road cuz i couldnt hit the brakes, they wouldnt work.

We talked the entire session anout the damn thing. He said the baby was the best represtation of my innocense that was lost and im now trying to "save", the mirror is represtation of the past, looking back, and driving and not able to hit the brakes/brakes didnt work was represtation of moving foward, no matter what, and not able to stop.

He said "i cant think of a better dream for what we are doing here if i tried".

I guess i could break this down sorta the same way.

is the mother that you SHOULD have had? Or would have ideally had? A mother who wasn't too messed up herself to do the job, in other words?

At first she was the one i should of had but at the end, talking about some lady the didnt exisit and a bunch of messed up shit, it ended up being the mother i know her to be.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

which are all feelings that I'm guessing you can relate to at the moment maybe?

Definitely!

 

[scout86]

So, the mother you were "looking for" kind of isn't the mother you "found".

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So, the mother you were "looking for" kind of isn't the mother you "found".

Sorta, i was with her at first before she got lost and she was the mother i always wanted, maybe that respesents the "good mother" that i keep hearing from my dad that she was from birth to age 6, maybe earlier but thats where memories pick up.

Then maybe her getting lost and searching for her was her turn toward my step dad's doctrine or "bible" and maybe it was like the "good mother" is lost and im searching and/or longing for her back.

And then when she came back hallucinating and talking all sorts of crazy represents the mother i know today that thinks she can levitate and teach herself how to read minds, walk on water etc.

But what i dont get is when she came back like that, i wasnt angry at her like i feel i should be. The rage i felt in the Dear "Mom" thread. It was like a parent with alzheimer's had gotten lost and made their way home. Pitty. Why would I feel pitty toward someone that should of protected me and didnt and tortured me and even included herself into the sexual crap? Like all the shit she did and made me do and watched me do and laughed at and made me see...why would i have pitty on that? That sorta makes me mad at myself. Im supposed to be re-aiming the rage and i feel pitty?

 

[scout86]

Why

My T has forbidden me to ask myself any question that starts with that word. He says I can ask HIM "Why...?" if I absolutely have to, but he'd rather I took the time to find a better question. But, we're just looking for reasons when we ask that, right?

So why don't you feel the anger in the dream and why can you/do you feel pity instead? Maybe because life is complicated and we often feel a lot of things about the same situation. And the more we learn, often the more complicated it is. Maybe you can feel pity because you can see that your mother was/is pretty messed up and that wasn't something she had much control over. I mean, she DID have, and does have, choices, but she doesn't seem to be able to find a way to make good ones. But what she's doing is the best she knows how. Maybe you can appreciate that, while you still think she should have done a better job of being a mom? (Which she for sure should have done.)

I think your take on that dream makes a lot of sense and so does looking at her like a parent with Alzheimer's. There are a lot of sides to all of this stuff and it tends to turn into a cycle, unless someone is smart enough to do what you're doing and explore what's going on and deal with it.

 

[Sideways]

Yeah, I don't have much of a problem with pity, and I don't think pity and anger are mutually exclusive.

Like @scout86 said, there's something pretty messed up in your mum's head that she was compelled to do that to her own child. And once she started down the road of abusing her own daughter, I don't doubt she may have got off on it in some perverse way. But from day 1 of that abuse, I doubt she experienced a day of healthy, wholesome happiness and self-content in her life. You can still be angry at her and see a certain degree of tragedy in that...which is not to be mistaken for suggesting it was excuseable in any way.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My T has forbidden me to ask myself any question that starts with that word. He says I can ask HIM "Why...?" if I absolutely have to, but he'd rather I took the time to find a better question.

Mine does sorta but we've talked A LOT about why she turned, why she was abusive (per one of my dad's brother) since birth, why she is the way she is basically. Oh also why she has always been atracted to men 20 yrs older than her (i always have been attracted to older men) and he says that a lot of sexual abuse voctims are and so possible sexual abuse but i dont know...i know she was physically abused, mom was insane and she had to commit her mom at age 14, was mostly raised by older sisters (she's 2nd to the youngest of 14 kids) and her dad (whom died way before i was born) was an alcoholic (as is she and 5 of her siblings, 2 died from it & one on his way out from it) and he was very physically abusive, but unsure of sexual abuse.

Basically i was and still am i guess trying to understand what made her turn from a strict fundlmentalist christian to a satanic like insane cult. I'll probably never know but it helps to have a little bit of understanding i think.

But what she's doing is the best she knows how.

Not so sure about that as what she did do is well is so fair into demented of what i think any mother would know...

I think your take on that dream makes a lot of sense and so does looking at her like a parent with Alzheimer's. There are a lot of sides to all of this stuff and it tends to turn into a cycle, unless someone is smart enough to do what you're doing and explore what's going on and deal with it.

I try to tale apart everything, including my dreams, in order to understand to get better, move foward...

 

[scout86]

what made her turn from a strict fundlmentalist christian to a satanic like insane cult.

When you think about it, there's not a lot of difference between those two things.

OK, there are a fair number of obvious differences, but there are also a lot of similarities. And, let me state up front, I consider myself to be a Christian, but I think most "fundamentalist Christians" are about as far off the mark as fundamentalist Muslims are. Bad people can take anything and twist it to serve their own purposes.

But, when you look at both cases, aren't they the same that way? In both situations, she was in a smallish group, controlled by an older man. I'm guessing a charismatic man, because I don't think you can pull this kind of thing off without some charisma. The person who ends up leading a group like this is usually kind of a wacko in their own right. Narcissist/psychopath, somewhere along that spectrum. In both cases, she wasn't allowed to think for herself. Which meant she could turn over all responsibility for everything and anything to this "Leader". In both cases, the Leader, was making stuff up to suit themselves. Because suiting themselves was what it's all about. (The "Church of Satan" website, actually claims that the kind of stuff that happened to you most definitely doesn't happen among THEIR membership. Although I'm not sure why we should believe them.) She felt like she "belonged" to something. That was probably important to her, (And, if you think about it, if her childhood was F'd up enough, she may not have thought she could "belong" anywhere normal.) She probably felt important because she did stuff the Leader approved of. And most likely those things, and maybe other, similar, things were more important to her than anything else. Which is not the way it SHOULD have been. And no one asked your opinion when you got born into the middle of it. Reason to be angry, but also reason to have pity, because no one asked her either. Add to that alcoholic? Long term alcoholic, maybe? A little brain damage along the way, maybe? Personally, I'm most angry at a social services system that didn't notice kids in that situation and yank them out of there. And, when you get right down to it, your mother should have been yanked out of HER childhood home early enough on to give her a chance too.

Not so sure about that as what she did do is well is so fair into demented of what i think any mother would know...

I know what you mean, trust me. I think she was THAT far in to demented. Although another person, in the same situation, might have handled it better than she did. I wish she had, for her sake!

I try to tale apart everything, including my dreams, in order to understand to get better, move foward...

The last email I got from my T, he was talking about "cutting things up into little pieces, like a cake" and then he went on to putting the pieces back together as a pie...... LOL Sometimes I wonder about him! But same general idea. :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't doubt she may have got off on it in some perverse way.

Well being she forced me to do sexual things to her WHICH I HATED i wouldnt doubt it either...

doubt she experienced a day of healthy, wholesome happiness and self-content in her life.

In my opinion she doesnt deserve one! Why would she? I dont get happiness because of what she allowed and did, why would she be allowed to be happy?

See, rage in my waking hours but pitty or even feeling bad for her in my dreams? Like WTF?