I Failed To Break The Cycle Of Abuse

[Bec]

Reading up on the effects of living with someone with my conditions - 'Complex' Post Traumatic Stress & Borderline Personality Disorder - in the site 'Out of the Fog'. I have realized that when I get angry I verbally abuse - generally.

My daughter - whom I adore - has been subject to me for so many years. The site lists so many many bad things, and some of them I recognize. I am horrified. I feel sick. She is going to live with her Father, and it looks like something that should have happened years ago.

How can I forgive myself? I didn't realize. I couldn't control the anger all the time - not during periods of high stress - and thought by telling her afterwards not to listen to me when I had that tone on, or explaining I had not meant this or that, that I was wrong to say such things...

I kept asking people to help, kept saying I was scared I was damaging her, even took her to my psych - they would always say she's fine - well adjusted, lovely - but not according to my behavior at times and what this site says. I thought that because she wasn't constantly being beaten and starved and dunked and always frightened, always put down, that I had broken the cycle of abuse. But I have failed.

How can I ever forgive myself? I do not deserve to be forgiven.

<Edited - added paragraph breaks for ease of reading.>

 

[Lionheart]

(((Bec))),

You have remorse and that is more than I can say for the people who abused me, so I would say that you deserve to be forgiven!!! You can make amends to your daughter and resolve not to be verbally abusive towards her again.

I had the same problem with being verbally abusive towards my mother (and other loved ones), when I was angry or irritated. The irritability is a symptom of PTSD. Anyways, I needed to be placed on medication to control my anger outbursts and have done just fine ever since.

You might wish to discuss this with your doc or Pdoc, to see if medication might be an option for you.

I wish you the best,
LH

 

[Bec]

Thank you for your compassionate response, LH. It is most unexpected, but gratefully received.

 

[Lionheart]

You are most welcome!!! :)

 

[anthony]

I would be more interested to know why you are reading some website, applying that to yourself as an abuser now, then shipping your daughter off to live with her father... all from reading a website compared to listening to your actual psych who you've taken her to for assessment directly.

 

[Bec]

Hi Anthony,

Research is one of the tools I use for my own 'evolution', because understanding brings insight, which then furthers growth (for me).

My daughter is 14, and has requested to go live with her Father. She and I are very close, open and honest with each other, and she has told me she needs to get away from my anger episodes. I cannot deny her this, she is fully entitled. She is the most amazing human being, more compassionate and insightful than many adults I know. I love her with all of my being.

I had to bring myself up. All adults were to be feared, they all role-modeled violence and 'righteous wrath'. On me, and the other kids in their care. No explanations, no love, no 'safe zone'. So bringing up a child by myself has been so very hard, because whilst I understood my upbringing to be the opposite of what a little one needs in order to thrive, I had no knowledge of what to replace it with. I have learnt what was appropriate (or not) by watching others, and questioning them. Sometimes I still can't comprehend what are seen as 'normal' behaviors.

I think, perhaps, that because my daughter is so protective of me, that she may not have been fully open with my psych. My anger, even though I have been working on it as hard as I can, still explodes during times of stress. And I have hurt her with it. How can I not condemn myself and give it the appropriate label? I feel like a monster. I never wanted to hurt my baby.

The knowledge that I have hurt her has led to my new bout of research into the affect I have had on her, amygdala hijacking, and, needless to say, what I can do to control myself more.

Bec

 

[AngelaMarie]

Bec,
I appreciate your sharing. No words of wisdom from me, but a welcome to the forum.

 

[intothelight]

Bec,

Maybe this is an opportunity for restoration of a relationship. You cannot change what has happened previously, but you can change things going forward.

I wish you nothing but the best for you and your daughter.
Debbie

 

[Bec]

Oh, believe me (((intothelight))), I fully intend to make what changes I need to!! How could I not? This is my baby. And I will always always be there for her in whatever capacity she needs of me. She is my light.

 

[Zef]

So bringing up a child by myself has been so very hard, because whilst I understood my upbringing to be the opposite of what a little one needs in order to thrive, I had no knowledge of what to replace it with. I have learnt what was appropriate (or not) by watching others, and questioning them. Sometimes I still can't comprehend what are seen as 'normal' behaviors.

This brought tears to my eyes. That is exactly how I felt (and still feel, at times). But it has proven to be a positive way of thinking. It is an attitude that has allowed my wife an I to break the cycle for our kids.

We both screw up, but when we realize it, we make the changes necessary. If your 14 year old daughter is still open and honest with you, then you HAVE broken the cycle. . .otherwise she would not be open and honest with you. Yes, it does sound like you have a behavior to fix, but with the attitude you have shown in your posts here, I believe you will fix it, even if it is a difficult thing to do.

The other thing you can do is to reach out for help. Look for parenting resources in your area, get professional help with the anger, simply because with help, you'll be able to manage it more quickly and more completely than by trying to do it alone. It took me 30+ years to reach out and not try to do it alone, but I've been able to improve things so much more quickly over the last few years than I would have made on my own. . .and my kids are reaping the benefit.

 

[Bec]

My thanks, (((Zef))). I can't believe how supportive you guys are on this site - It blows my mind, and I am full of gratitude.

My T and I are addressing my anger more fully now, and I am very glad of this. I still condemn myself for hurting my baby, but I can and will progress from here, because there is no other option. I don't actually like hurting others, and lay into myself a fair bit when I do.

I believe - I hope - that the openness between my daughter and I might just be our one saving grace. I told her of my childhood so she knew I was 'injured', so she would never blame herself. When I calm down we always talk it through, and I redress the things I know have hurt her, in the hope that she doesn't take it on so fully. & she has seen me progress (she tells me so), and knows that I have done it for her, because of my love for her. I will continue.