I feel like a lunatic

[KwanYingirl]

So I’ve been struggling for a few months trying to stabilize my mood. The only thing that helps is reiki and seeing my t. I’ve been embroiled in a conflict with the crazy lady above me. She keeps taking down the gate I have on my porch to keep my dogs safe. I put it back up, she takes it down and puts her property on my porch. My next door neighbor told me she sits in my rocking chair after l leave for work. Ugh I cannot get rid of her. My shrink thinks I need a good lawyer and he gave me the number for a lawyer that specializes in condos. We’ve been playing telephone tag. I am so depressed about her invasion of my personal space. I really need a safe zone and she’s fractured it. Mostly, I just want to die. What is the point of living with ptsd? I’m losing my insurance. My therapist assured me that I can continue with him, but I can’t afford it.
I am freezing cold. We lost our power this morning. I’ve got to do something for my dogs to get them warm and then I’m going to see my Shaman and to get a massage. It is really cold in here. The electric company hopes we are back up by 5:00 but no promises. I texted my massage therapist to put the table heat on high please.
It’s also coming close to the anniversary of being kidnapped while bumming around London. I still can’t believe I escaped. I replay it over and over and I just can’t remember how I ended up where I was. I didn’t tell anybody about this. It’s always a mystery leading up to it. But I did escape. Too bad it happened on my birthday and I hate my birthday.
I’ve got to go find someplace warm.

 

[scout86]

It sounds to me like your neighbor is the lunatic! (I'm trying to think of something you could leave on the chair, that would be unpleasant for her but not hurt the chair.)

Good luck with the lawyer & the heat. And try to remember, "this too shall pass". Enjoy your massage!

 

[KwanYingirl]

Had a good session with my Shaman. We always start by me picking a card from one of several decks she uses. Fairies, animals, spirits, etc and she has a guidebook for each deck that explains the meaning. So I pulled a turtle out. So, here’s the gist of it. You’re trying to change something, but now is not the time. Now is time to retreat, to the woods or mountains or ocean. To be patient and allow Nature to restore me. It was a relief. She found a piece of me that got left in London after I was kidnapped and she retrieved it. All I know is that I spontaneously started to laugh about my puppy and how she teases Annie. I was able to cook and eat some rice and best of all, I slept soundly. Even though I had to take Rosie out to pee at 2:00, I went right back to sleep.
As usual, my chakras were all shut down. So, this is what I need to get better at: recognizing that I am triggered and frantic to change the pictures in my mind. The Shaman explained that the crazy lady above me is a physical manifestation of my trauma memories. My mind chooses to distract me from those memories by dwelling on something else that I obsess about. Yes, this has been me forever. Seriously, I have to learn to replace those pictures with something pleasant.