I feel like i'm hurting the people around me overwhelmingly

[LoveTea]

There are only 2 people other than my T who knows I have (C)PTSD (some other people may guess but not many). I didn't start going to regular therapy until about 3 months ago. My symptoms started getting a lot worse this past year. I'd already known them for a year, but neither of them knew since I hide it. I wasn't really close to either of them until they started finding out pieces of my symptoms (a lot of times I'm convinced I'm only close with them because of the PTSD).

Last spring in particular my symptoms got really bad. A couple times I called one of them when I was panicking/dissociating, and after trying to help for and hour or two she would get really upset and had to leave, so I stopped calling her. The other friend (who is also my supervisor at work) kept telling me I didn't need to come to the weekly manager meetings (even though I know it is part of the job to go since I know a bunch of other people who had the same job before me). She said that she would let me know when the person I was consulting with came in, but she never told me when the other woman would come in and I would miss a lot information I needed to ba able to do my job. A couple of times I was even in the room working while they were having the meeting and she kept telling me to just keep working (even other people who didn't need to be there would sit in sometimes). There are a couple of other times that I havn't been allowed to work when I've wanted either. She tries to include me, but then I end up watching everyone else getting to do what I want to be doing. She keeps coming up with other excuses for why she does this, which I understand since she knows I hate the PTSD holding me back. But I wish she would be honest about why I'm getting cut out because it feels so much more personal.

By March, I was still functional, but I was having a really hard time. There was a lot of work to do and I didn't see my supervisor very much. After a couple of really rough days, I wrote out what happened to me and had my supervisor read it. She took me to the health center (I'm a college student) and left me there surrounded by stangers because she had to work (which I understand, but it doesn't mean it didn't suck). I went back to work a bit later, and I barely saw either of my friends the rest of the day. When I had to leave, I dissociated and couldn't really get out alone, but my friends were on a deadline so instead they called campus safety. For the second time that day I had strangers in my face asking what I needed and trying to hospotalize me (even though I wasn't a danger to myself or others, I had just become triggered by my room and was afraid to go home). I had just told my friend one of the hardest things, something I have never talked about before, and I barely even saw her for 2 days after. Now it's just not the same. She's overly gentle with me, which is nice sometimes, but sometimes I just want to be normal, and it feels like it is only because she knows, not because she wants to be around me for me. I never really talk to her about anything except work and PTSD (or variants on the theme) and I see her interact with other people and she asks them about their lives and what they are doing, and she doesn't do that with me.

I know this doesn't paint a great picture of my friends in general. For the most part, they are incredibly supportive and help me immensely. I just have a really hard time believing that they want to be around me, they just feel obligated to. As much as I try to tell myself it isn't true, it feels overwhelmingly true.

 

[Supervixn]

PTSD is hard on us, and hard on the people who love us. I'm sorry you're feeling alone and abandonned... a lot of us feel that way, indirectly or directly due to PTSD.

Your boss sounds like an incredibly understanding and patient person. I'd think, even despite your circumstances, if you are unable to fulfill your job responsibilities, any employer would deem it best to let you go. Sounds very harsh, yes, but thats life. You're hired to perform. PTSD makes it EXTREMELY DIFFICULT at times to be productive... I struggled in front of my coworkers pretty badly...

Your boss seems to sense you are unable to function at a certain level and is respecting that. I don't know more than what you've said here, but if you feel its personal, it could be, or it could be the paranoia part of PTSD.

I just question what direction your boss is taking things in. Is it personal in a negative way (eliminating you from your position) or a positive way (supporting you until you can properly perform at your position)?

...Either way, looking at it from your employers perspective, you were hired to complete certain tasks regardless of your mental illness. It's just how it is. Are you able to work at this stage of your PTSD? Honestly assess that, and do what's best for your recovery.

Your friends, from my guess, are feeling like you are probably at a point past where they feel they can be helpful toward you. People get frustrated when they counter a negative with a plausible positive and the other person just won't entertain a "better" train of thought. Your friend may not ask you about your life etc because she senses it upsets you or she honestly doesnt want to hear the negativity.

The world is harsh. People are well meaning, but they can only comprehend what they can comprehend. Everyone is going to gravitate towards dealing with things at their comfort level (and its not always personal). In my experience, PTSD is very difficult for non sufferers to really "get" (look at the supporter forums, they're always so well meaning but many seem confused and at a loss... sorry, it's true).

Have you tried therapy? CBT and medication is helping me immensely just to get through the days comfortably.

PS hang in there, the bright side is that you have quite a few caring people in your life who don't want to see you suffer:hug:

 

[LoveTea]

Yes I would say my boss has been incredibly patient and supportive of me. She actually does not really have the ability to lay me off since I am employed through my college (so unless I so something "fireable" she basically can't lay me off, and I honestly don't think she wans to either). What I actually struggle the most with her to understand is that for me working is great, and very helpful too me since it is very physically distacing from everything. To some extent, she understands this, but sometimes she will still sideline me from things I am perfectly capable of doing (and I as allowed to do them before she found out about the PTSD, which is incredibly frustrating).

I have been in therapy about 3 months now (my boss actually played an important part in getting me there). I havn't really been able to tell her much of anything about my actual trauma(s) (I still hate the word 'trauma'), she knows a little bit since a friend came eith my to my first appointment and told her, but I havn't been able, to say much of anything. I know I probably need medication since my anxiety gets pretty bad and my mood can fluxuate rapidly (and my nighmares make things hard). Unforunately, I havn't really found a way to get any medication without my mother finding anything out. Yes I am an adult, but I am still on her insurance and she has gotten into mine and my sisters medical records in thr past. She is very relucant to ever get me medical treatment, even for physical maladies. She looks down at any mental health anything. I have to pay my T out of pocket and in cash so my mother won't find out (which is hard since she has access to my bank account). My T has brought up medication, but a lack of bein able to use insurance kinda keeps me from bein able to really get any meds.

 

[EveHarrington]

Some meds are pretty darn cheap, like $4 at Walmart and maybe still Target? It's worth looking into. Plus there are TONS of different (free) prescription discount cards out there.

 

[LoveTea]

Ok thanks. I'm honestly still very apprehensive about meds, mostly because my mother frequently told me negative things about them. Now, I have a hard time decideding for myself if that is what I want. I am starting to realize that I probably need them, but it's hard to get rid of her voice telling me otherwise.

 

[Nessa7]

Grocery store chains might provide medication discounts, too.

With medication and therapy, you might see that some of these problems improve on their own. If your friend/supervisor is able to see how much better you are doing, I'm hoping that your relationship will adjust and she starts giving you more responsibility.