I Feel So Alone And Overwhelmed.. And Exhausted.

[Deleted member 26314]

I'm 16, I live with my mum and usually my brother but both tend to be out all day every day. I get so lonely being in the house all by myself, the majority of the time. I don't go to college or school, I will in September, but for the last 8 months, it's been like this. I barely see my mum, for the time being (and except from my boyfriend) she's the only social interaction I get throughout the day. Obviously that's excluding the internet.
But she goes out on a Friday night with her best friends, goes out and gets drunk and doesn't come home until 3am when she rings and gets me to come downstairs and unlock the door. For starters, I'm terrified of drunk people due to my traumatic event and just horrible experiences with it myself. Secondly, I'm expected to sleep knowing that my mum will be walking through the door at god-knows what time in the early morning, drunk. I have no idea who that could be, so instead of sleeping, I generally stay up as long as I can panicing out of my mind.

She doesn't know anything about what happened to me three years ago, I was in a different country. She doesn't know I have flashbacks or nightmares, or the real reason I didn't go to college was because of dissociation and anxiety during the day. I feel so alone in the fact I can't tell her, if I did, she'd go straight to the police and report the people who abused me (ex-boyfriend and dad). Which I definitly do not want, not right now anyway. She also doesn't understand me, nor does she try to. I know I am being harsh on her and she is a wonderful woman who has been through her fair share of abusive boyfriends and neglectful husbands and she spent the last 16+ years raising me and my brother by herself whilst managing to keep a roof over our heads. So I do love her, she's a wonderful human being.. but she isn't the best right now. She doesn't cook, clean, do any washing.. she goes out, get's drunk, expects me to keep the house looking like a house and not a dump. I cook my own food, clean my own clothes and then she gets in, has a go at me for not doing anything with my life and then falls asleep on the sofa watching TV.

Sorry for the big rant about my mum, but she is the biggest part of my life, excluding my boyfriend. She's the only person I see on the days I don't see my boyfriend. Which just makes me feel so alone. I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed and just exhausted. I want to sleep all the time, I can barely be bothered to do anything. I just don't know what to do anymore. My boyfriend has exams right now so I'm seeing him twice a week at the most, I'm heavily dependent on him so not seeing him for ages and barely being able to even text him is just tough. I know I sound like a clingy girlfriend but he is the only guy I have ever gotten close to, he's my safe-zone and he makes me feel okay. I trust him and yes, I might be clingy, but he's told me he's the same and we've agreed it's what we like about each other.

But yeah, so I miss him, I miss having my mum actually be a mum around me and I just want everything to be okay. And I feel a bit pathetic writing all of this and tbh I don't even know if I'll post it, but I'm sat here balling my eyes out in a half depressed half extremely on edge mode, and venting kind of makes it easier for the time being.

I don't see my therapist for another week, I'm in that place where it would be really useful to be seeing her tomorrow, but that can't happen so I just have to hold out for another week. Though in my frame of mind right now, a week feels like a year and drags on due to the fact I literally sit at home doing nothing. I'd go out and see friends, except I don't have any. I told them all I didn't want to talk to them back in October 2013, so since then all I have had around me is my boyfriend (and my mum but she knows nothing so she isn't someone I can talk to). Anyway, what can I do for the next week to stop me feeling so lonly and depressed? And how do you all cope with the shitty days and the feeling that everything is just going to get on top of you?
Right now I have that feeling like I want to curl up into a ball and just cry and cry until everything stops being so exhausting and overwhelming. It feels like my brain it about to explode.

I appologise for the vent and that it is so long, I don't even know if this is in the right place. But considering the fact I feel as though I'm going through one of my many depressive episodes, I thought it fit.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@Katarina19 welcome firstly to the forum. Secondly I feel I speak for many on here, Vent as much as you need.

It's much better to get the words out than bottle those emotions up.

:hug:s if you accept them.

Laurence.

 

[Deleted member 26314]

Thank you Laurie. It did feel good to get it all out, even just to write it without the intention if getting any advice/feedback made me feel better.

On the upside, I spoke to my boyfriend about it. He hates that I get lonely and he admitted he does too throughout college and stuff, so he made a promise to call me on the evenings when my mum goes out so that I don't get scared or feel as alone and he said he'd call me a couple times a week during breaks. That way I can still talk to him during the day, some days of the week (and same for him) and other days he'll be able to talk to his friends and stuff. So it's a good compromise for the both of us. :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok well you'll probably get nasty with me again like in your last thread but I am going to say this anyway. From your mom's point of view, you AREN'T doing anything with your life....well, except for being a slacker and living in her house and eating her food...and there's no reason for it! You don't go anywhere (except to therapy) and you don't do anything (except see your boyfriend). You haven't told her the truth about what happened to you....that is, she's not a mind reader, and she doesn't know you are struggling so much. So really, don't hold it against her that she's on you about doing nothing with your life. If I had a 16 year old kid who didn't go to school, wouldn't work, etc, then yes, I'd be on them all the time. So what I'm trying to say is this is something you'll just have to let go of given that you can't tell her the truth.

 

[Deleted member 26314]

Wow. Okay, first of all, I wasn't nasty with you in my other thread. I told you I didn't like your tone, I then appologised if I sounded like I was being harsh. Again, I'm sorry about that, but I was not being nasty with you.

Secondly, yes, I'm not doing anything with my life. I am trying though, I've applied for jobs over the last couple years but my anxiety has gotten the better of me, however, I have a job interview on Tuesday. So yes. I am getting a job. Secondly, I got kicked out of school, my mum has accepted that and she also knows there is a bigger picture as to what is going on but I told her I wasn't ready to tell her and she is okay with that. Obviously she'd like me to tell her but she accepts that I can't right now. Yes, she does tell me to get off my ass and do something, but the funny thing is, I am doing something. I am doing a lot of things. I am trying to get better, I see a therapist despite my unwillingness, but I want to get better so that I can do the things she wants me to - i.e. get off my ass and do things. As apposed to staying in the house all day and doing nothing, I try get out and meet my boyfriend, which is a big step for me.

I don't expect her to read my mind, and I'm not trying to slag her off and I am definitely not holding it against her. Again, I really dislike the fact you have come onto my thread, ruined my mood entirely and told me that, like my mum, I wasn't doing anything with my life. I am doing MUCH MUCH more than you, my mum, my grandma and whoever else seems to know me completely, thinks. So thank you for ruining my mood, I had such a good day - I went out, spent time with my mum and my grandma, and my great-grandma. I went to the doctors, I spent time with my family again and then I had a great time with my boyfriend. And now, I come on here, hoping to talk to some nice people about things and just vent and get things on my chest, but then I encounter people like you who seem to turn everything upside down and make it miserable. I'm going through a difficult time (like most people on here), I can't even talk to my mum about my feelings because, well I just can't and that is not for you to judge. So all I ask is that when I come on this site and post a thread, honest and kind feedback be given. I understand you are being honest but there is no advice other than to let it go, and kind isn't the first thing I think of when I read your post.

I do appologise, again, if I seem to be being harsh. I don't intend to upset you or anger you, however, I don't like the way you come across on my threads. It doesn't cheer me up or make me feel better, and my last thread, there wasn't really much advice there. So I would much prefer it if you didn't post on my threads. I am extremely sorry to say that and it breaks my heart since you do seem like a genuinely nice person, but over the time I have been her, I seem to have disagreed with your advice and I think we disagree and clash a little with each other, so we will most likely both benefit from avoiding each other's threads?

Again, I'm sorry.

 

[Deleted member 26314]

Okay, I'm sorry but I'm in a really bad mood and I kind of just need to vent again. I hate how people judge. This isn't in regards to Solara's post, it's not, I swear, it happens a lot to me and I really hate it. I grew up in a family where we didn't have much, barely keeping up with rent and in a not nice neighbourhood. Now, everyone I met at college and people I meet now, judge me on the fact of how I dress or act and assume immediately that I'm not smart or whatever. I understand this, I'd do it to me to be honest. I don't appear smart, I'm not a typical smart girl. But I am going to go on and achieve great things in life and as ridiculous as it sounds, I will get there and I will be happy when I am older. I have everything going for me right now, I'm hopefully going to get this job, I have wonderful family around me, I have the most amazing boyfriend and I'll be at college before I know it. But, have this stupid thing going on with my head and it's f*cking my life up. I feel like I am going insane, most nights I get about 2 hours sleep. I'm that exhausted from the thinking and the lack of sleep, not to mention the being on high alert 24/7 and the flashbacks, I physically can't do anything throughout the day. So I am proud of myself when I go out with my family or make the short bus journey to my boyfriend's bus stop to meet him after college. And I hate the fact people tell me I'm not doing anything with my life, because behind the scenes, I'm doing everything I possibly can. I do try, I try as hard as I can, but sometimes I just get so exhausted and so fed up of everything, I just lie in bed and do nothing, because that's all I can do. But of course, no one can see this, no on can mind read. So what do I expect, I do just have to suck it up and deal with the snarky comments I get from my family. My grandma doesn't believe in mental illnesses, my mum barely talks to me (like actually talks to me). I can't remember the last time anyone in my family asked me if i was okay, and actually meant it.

I'm sorry, but I get so frustrated and this is why I feel alone. Because I'm coping with all of this shit and there are times when I find it so extremely hard to deal with it, I honestly feel like just ending it all. But that's when I come onto this site in hopes of not feeling so alone. Then I encounter people who seem to make me feel more alone than ever. Again, I'm sorry. But like yesterday, and the day before that and the day before that, I feel more alone than ever and my day has honestly been ruined. So yeah. Awesome. :/

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You are not alone. My mother was one of my abusers and she was an alcoholic. Can you check and see if any al anon for teens is available close to you. It is group support and you will meet many like you.

You sound so lonely and depressed but only you can help you and that takes time and effort.

I am so glad you have your boyfriend to talk to and he understands.

I also relate to being lonely, I do not do lonely well at all. It is all very isolating.

I am also glad that you are in therapy. I am surprised your therapist has not addressed alcolism with you.

Mabe you need a therapist familiar with alcoholics and how their behavior breaks you down and some good things you can do.

For starters, do not get up to let your mom in the house. She has a key, I assume. She is old enough to let herself come in.

You need to talk to your mom when she is not drinking. You need to tell her how stressed out you are and you need to research into boundries and setting limits with your mom.

If your mom is supporting you, then you can do one thing at a time around the house.

Sleeping all day and night is not good for you.

You are a teenager and still growing up. You are still learning and realizing so many things.

I tell this to you because you are better than you think you are and you are not as bad as you think you are.

I really recommend al ateen for you. You would have people to talk to you going through some similar things and they will understand you and not judge.

I am concerned for you. You seem to be a very caring person who is isolated. As long as your mother is an alcoholic she will not change. I know it is hard to stand up for yourself but you and your therapist need to be working on this.

This is just my opinion based upon personal experience and if it does not apply to you please toss it.

I wish you the best.