General I Feel So Lost And Desperate...

[littlesis78]

I am a supporter of my older sister. She was brutally attacked while at work, where she is a counselor by the way, and I feel like I am lost. She took care of me while I was little, and pretty well raised me, now I am thrown in to this role of trying to care for her, but, I have no clue how to do it.

I asked her to come stay the night with me last night, because she was having a hard time at home and I thought she could use some time away. She seemed to relax some, but this morning I woke up and found her rolled up in a quilt under my living room table. That is where she felt safe at. When I went to bed, she was tucked in on the couch.

My heart broke for her, but I am not going to show weakness, because it makes her feel like a burden on me, and she is anything but that. I would love some advice on what to do to help her. She has always been there for me, and I want to do the same for her, but, how do I do that without making her feel like a child? I am afraid she is going to crack, and when she does, she will be put in the hospital, and she definitely does not want to be there.

Any advice would be appreciated, as I don't want to let her down because I love her, and I refuse to give up on her, or let her give up on herself.

 

[timetorecover]

Being there and showing her understanding. Educating yourself on the pattern of behaviour and making her feel safe. Let her talk and cry and make sure she had medical help.

Look after yourself too.

Good luck xx

 

[Meadowsweet]

I wish there was more relationships like yours in the world.

I think, look after yourself and know that you can't take away your sisters pain or share it with her, but just being there is giving support.

Sometimes I think it is also helpful for people who support to be gentle, but honest and open about their concerns about the other person.

Something my therapist says, is that although she's the expert in therapy techniques, but I'm the expert in me. So she listens and takes on my input as well as offering her own into the therapy situation.

When someone has been attacked and is suffering with ptsd symptoms, it is important for them to regain a sense of control over what is happening to them. I've felt that most when I've been asked what I think would help me.

 

[benevolent63]

I am so sorry this happened to your sister. I think its going to take time and patience to get over this ordeal. There is not much you can do to change her state of mind, the only thing you can do is comfort her suffering and keep telling her how much you care and love her. Your continious love and support is probably the only thing thats going to get her through this, so don't give up on her and with time she will move on from this. I wish you luck and I hope your sister gets better.

 

[nehelp4me]

Any advice would be appreciated, as I don't want to let her down because I love her, and I refuse to give up on her, or let her give up on herself.

You are not letting your sister down. Give yourself ALOT more credit than feeling like you might let her down. I have Severe PTSD, and my Nurse sister took care of me during the initial acute stages of fighting for my life. From my biological brother attempting to murder me, his youngest, Disabled Sister. Even though my sister is an RN Nurse. She has her own boundaries, as a human being, too. Your sister, needs to realize no human being has the stamina, nor endurance to cope with a loved one trying to find her way back. You can't be responsible for losing yourself, to take care of your sister. Also, family members are human beings, too. And they do have their own life (such as yourself) and this is a real burden, on you. Regardless of the emmense love you have for your sister. You don't owe her your entire life, because she helped raise you.

I am in no way being cold about saying it like this. It's just the honest truth. You can do like my RN sister did with me. You can gentle sit your sister down, and speak very tender to her, explaining to her that you have to maintain a certain balance in your life, too. And when those times you seem to need to withdraw from her. Tell her it is NOT anything personally against her. You just need a break from the emotional pain it's causing you, and the physical affects it's having on you to watch her so closely. Reassure her of your love, and that you need some timeout, to rest and relax, and recoop yourself. Then you'll be back to yourself again, to continuing to help her as she needs. Help her to understand you are not abandoning her, you just need to rest awhile.

 

[Noa]

Your sister needs help. Its not fair to you, to be her therapist and its obviously over whelming.

My sister 'lost her mind' last summer. She started to say things that don't make sense and called child services on her husband. It was a crazy week, by the end of that week she was in a psychiatric hospital. They gave her medication and released her after a few days. Now she's more less fine.

You are an amazing sister, but you can't do it all by your self.

 

[JasmineDog]

One of my first "episodes" found me taking my pillow and blanket and sleeping in my car. That was the only place I felt I could see someone coming and be safe. There are too many dark places in a house that a perceived attack might come from, and it is important for you to realize your sister does not have the ability right now to see things any other way.

If you try to act strong for her sake, it will come across as false, and what she really needs right now is to absolutely trust you. Instead of telling her you feel helpless, ask her what she needs from you and let her know you will do your best to give it. The more "power" you give her by getting her to make simple choices, the more that can show her she has some control over some things.

It is the loss of control that an attack causes that makes the PTSD an issue. Healthy people go with the flow, and have the ability to bend and be flexible when things don't go as planned, but PTSD sufferers are trapped in their heads with the fear of "what if" and the need to control. Because it is impossible to control the world, the more exposure a sufferer has to normalcy, the more tense and frustrated they get, so it becomes a necessity to "shut down" in order to just get by. Fear of pain of any kind causes an emotional distancing, and walls go up.

Even though your sister is a councilor she will have lost the ability to be logical with her own feelings. Her emotional trauma will supersede any rational knowledge she possesses and add to her feelings of hopelessness. That is why someone who has never suffered a trauma CANNOT understand what it is like to be a survivor of one - they still possess the ability to be logical under stress, and expect others to be so.

If you continue to live your life as a normal person that will be the best example for your sister. The world is a great place, where bad things happen sometimes, not a bad place where good things happen sometimes. Have no expectations of her, just be an empathetic (not sympathetic) buffer. "I UNDERSTAND why you feel how you do - you absolutely have just cause to feel that way!" is the best support. Add no "buts" (But you need to get over it; but you should try to get out more; etc)

When she has settled somewhat, understand that since she is a councilor she may have a more difficult time healing, since sometimes the conventional methods just aren't as permanently effective and she might be disillusioned. I had 20 years off and on of various forms of talk therapy until I found a skilled EMDR therapist and now I have a peaceful and happy and most importantly, LOVE FILLED life. I had lost the ability to feel or give real love, and that wall finally came down.

Your sister is very lucky that you love her so dearly, and that you are taking this on with her. Just don't lose yourself in her affliction. Hang in there....