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General I Fell Down And Can't Get Up..
- Post starter dayglo
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- Post starter
- #38
Surgery is the 18th. She says she cannot drive right now, which is causing the majority of the stress (yes it's a vicious circle, the more stressed she is the more tense she is the more her Fibromyalgia acts up.
The last time she was in the hospital for a family member's surgery she ended up in the ER herself feeling dizzy...
What I want is for the day of the surgery is for me to drive there with her and then after the surgery she either takes a cab home or drives herself.
Right now in her mind it's "we have no friends and our families don't care". Meanwhile she's pushed them away with her behavior over the past few years but she doesn't see that.
It may be guilt after I've taking care of her for so long or just as likely something with her upbringing, but she insists that I should not be alone that evening. And she wants to be there the next day when I (hopefully) get released. I would rather her just stay home the next day and have my sister drive me home.
I'm thinking about putting my foot down about this but I'm afraid it will be yet another blow-up.
The last time she was in the hospital for a family member's surgery she ended up in the ER herself feeling dizzy...
What I want is for the day of the surgery is for me to drive there with her and then after the surgery she either takes a cab home or drives herself.
Right now in her mind it's "we have no friends and our families don't care". Meanwhile she's pushed them away with her behavior over the past few years but she doesn't see that.
It may be guilt after I've taking care of her for so long or just as likely something with her upbringing, but she insists that I should not be alone that evening. And she wants to be there the next day when I (hopefully) get released. I would rather her just stay home the next day and have my sister drive me home.
I'm thinking about putting my foot down about this but I'm afraid it will be yet another blow-up.
amethist
VIP Member
I think this is one of those, "Do what's best for you issues" dayglo. If you feel that your sister would be the one most likely to drive you home without issue, then ask her.
Sometimes we have to put ourselves first, no matter how it effects our sufferers.
Sometimes we have to put ourselves first, no matter how it effects our sufferers.
- Post starter
- #40
When she first found out I needed surgery, she went on "a mission" to cook and clean and get groceries to show that she can handle things. Of course, despite my begging not to overdo it, she did. Now she says she can't do any of those things, and also that she can't drive. (yes it is a way for her to be dependent on me)
In a moment of guilt (when she realizes just how much stress she's caused), I can sometimes get to her. I told her that she needs to stay home the day I'm released. Now we just have to work out getting there (since she can't drive home).
It's possible she will be able to drive home, but I doubt it and I'm not sure she'll be in the correct mental state to do so. So we'll have to spend huge amounts of money to get a taxi to take us there and her back. <sigh>
In a moment of guilt (when she realizes just how much stress she's caused), I can sometimes get to her. I told her that she needs to stay home the day I'm released. Now we just have to work out getting there (since she can't drive home).
It's possible she will be able to drive home, but I doubt it and I'm not sure she'll be in the correct mental state to do so. So we'll have to spend huge amounts of money to get a taxi to take us there and her back. <sigh>
- Post starter
- #41
Well, a few days ago I finally convinced her that she doesn't have to be there when I get released and I will have my sister drive me home the next day. So we made arrangements for someone to drive us there as well as drive her home the day of the surgery.
So today I come home from work and she's stressed and triggered. Finally after arguing about everything under the sun and basically blaming me from everything (the only thing she didn't lash out to me about was that it was too hot outside), she breaks down and cries and tells me that she can't be there at the hospital the day of my surgery because of what happened with her father.
So now all of the arrangements are back up in the air. And she'll start feeling guilty about not being there which of course will make things worse and increase her stress and... well you know... I could list ten things I don't need right now and this tops it all.
So today I come home from work and she's stressed and triggered. Finally after arguing about everything under the sun and basically blaming me from everything (the only thing she didn't lash out to me about was that it was too hot outside), she breaks down and cries and tells me that she can't be there at the hospital the day of my surgery because of what happened with her father.
So now all of the arrangements are back up in the air. And she'll start feeling guilty about not being there which of course will make things worse and increase her stress and... well you know... I could list ten things I don't need right now and this tops it all.
- Post starter
- #43
I'm sorry dayglo, this is much to deal with. :(
Is it possible to sit her down and (gently) point out the differences between your current experience versus her past experiences? Though I primarily didn't express it to anyone else as she is to you, I know from my own experience that it was only after the fact that I realized a diagnosis was not synonymous with immediate demise, even if the prognosis was grim (not saying yours is).
Health and peace to you, a speedy resolve to this and a speedy complete recovery.
Is it possible to sit her down and (gently) point out the differences between your current experience versus her past experiences? Though I primarily didn't express it to anyone else as she is to you, I know from my own experience that it was only after the fact that I realized a diagnosis was not synonymous with immediate demise, even if the prognosis was grim (not saying yours is).
Health and peace to you, a speedy resolve to this and a speedy complete recovery.
- Post starter
- #45
Mine prognosis is not grim at all - basically the same surgery that Joe Torre, Robert Di Nero and countless others have had. She knows that.
I'm handling the stress OK. It's *her* stress and behavior that is so totally over-the-top it's making me crazy.
Right now when things get out of control, or are getting out of control, I leave the house or go into the basement. Once I have the catheter, I'm not allowed to drive or take stairs. So I'll be "trapped" if she has an episode (and the "eggshells" my son and I are walking on also seem to contain poisonous snakes, barbed wire and dirty nails. Seems she's always one second away from being triggered, or is always triggered...)
She did talk to the Dr yesterday, who did increase some of her meds. Hopefully that will help. Thanks for listening.
I'm handling the stress OK. It's *her* stress and behavior that is so totally over-the-top it's making me crazy.
Right now when things get out of control, or are getting out of control, I leave the house or go into the basement. Once I have the catheter, I'm not allowed to drive or take stairs. So I'll be "trapped" if she has an episode (and the "eggshells" my son and I are walking on also seem to contain poisonous snakes, barbed wire and dirty nails. Seems she's always one second away from being triggered, or is always triggered...)
She did talk to the Dr yesterday, who did increase some of her meds. Hopefully that will help. Thanks for listening.
ISupportHer
Diamond Member
I know it's hard but in my opinion, you have to.....
OK, I won't tell you what you have to do. No one really can. I will only share what happened for me. I just did what I needed to do. That included a realization that I could not share details with my wife. When I did, she ended up hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. Twice. I just did what I needed to do, including 100% of the post-op care at home. Never relied on her once for anything like catheter care or much of anything. I did my best to keep a stiff upper lip. Had to model my behavior because if I was not in control, then She was not in control. Just the way it had to be.
As for the restrictions. They are telling you that you can't do stairs? That surprises me. I limited the stairs but I live in a 2 story house and went up and down a few times a day without a problem.
As for driving and lifting restrictions, follow those strictly! I assume they have you starting Kegal exercises.
OK, I won't tell you what you have to do. No one really can. I will only share what happened for me. I just did what I needed to do. That included a realization that I could not share details with my wife. When I did, she ended up hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. Twice. I just did what I needed to do, including 100% of the post-op care at home. Never relied on her once for anything like catheter care or much of anything. I did my best to keep a stiff upper lip. Had to model my behavior because if I was not in control, then She was not in control. Just the way it had to be.
As for the restrictions. They are telling you that you can't do stairs? That surprises me. I limited the stairs but I live in a 2 story house and went up and down a few times a day without a problem.
As for driving and lifting restrictions, follow those strictly! I assume they have you starting Kegal exercises.
- Post starter
- #47
The Albatross
VIP Member
Very glad to read that your prognosis Dayglo is okay or better than okay. At various points during my own health crisis, I had to clearly state "This isn't about you, this is about me. I don't need you to be freaking out around me right now, help if you care to, but don't come over here and make me crazy I don't need that right now." My husband handled my illness reasonably well, but my mother... well she was the one I actively avoided until I could stand on my own two feet.
My last surgery, she was upset that I didn't want her to come to the hospital. Tough noogies. I didn't need her issues coming out to play during my surgery.
My last surgery, she was upset that I didn't want her to come to the hospital. Tough noogies. I didn't need her issues coming out to play during my surgery.
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