I Hit My Peak

[lostintime]

My depression is at its max. I was 98 days clean from self harm but that all went down the drain. I wouldn't say that i am suicidal but the thought of ending everything has crossed my mind. I've stopped reaching for help because i'm just tired. Not physically just emotionally, i guess you could say that i am numb. I guess i'm writing this here so that i can get all my thoughts out because i can't sleep at night. Sure i have my family, but i am so distant from them it's like they don't even know me. My significant other has no clue about this because i don't want him to know. He is the only one that is really close ot me, but i know that it would break his heart to find out how i feel. He has his own problems to deal with and i dont want mine to add to his, so i leave him out of all of this. My mind is always racing and i am always afraid. But i don't let people in because i don't want them to have the opportunity to hurt me. Sure i chose this, i chose to live like this but there's nothing i can do to change it, its too late. My appetite has decreased along with my energy to do anything really. My body is so tired but i can never sleep, my mind won't shut up. Of course i'm going to act happy and i'm going to smile when i see the people i know because letting them in is the last thing i want to do. i haven't felt this bad in years, and i actually thought i was getting better, but i guess i was wrong. This isn't a post for sympathy or for help, just things i want to vent, things that i need out of my mind before it consumes me at night. I'm just emotionally scared.

 

[ladee]

Listening. Supporting.

 

[Justmehere]

The 98 days clean from self injury isn't gone. It's a good sign you can get back there again. You are in the middle of a setback, and I freaking hate setbacks, but they do not erase the good progress made in the past. They also do not predict the future. They are part of the process of recovery.

I do understand that right now, things are really awful. You seem really depressed. Do you have a doc or a therapist that you are working with?

Glad you are reaching out. :hug:

 

[ibgrace]

I am no expert sweety but I lost my son to suicide and I can tell you daily I wish he would have been honest with me and told me he wanted to die...To be left behind without even a chance to show or to try to help the one's we love is a terrible agony to live with daily. Please speak to your husband and allow him the chance to help you through this...His heart would break even more if he wasn't given that chance, believe me....Suicidal thoughts is nothing to be a shamed of, it's our bodies way of telling us we need help just as a fever or any other pain does..So please seek help don't be afraid. Life is so important even in our struggles. Our brain is a organ like any other in our body and sometimes it needs treatment too..People don't ignore heart attacks or cancer or any other illness but yet we lose so many loved ones to the illness of suicide...Don't be one of the statics because of taboo..Get the help your body is needing...Praying for you <3

 

[lostintime]

The 98 days clean from self injury isn't gone. It's a good sign you can get back there again. You ar...

I do not have a therapist for right now but i'll be working with one soon, thank you for your reply.

I am no expert sweety but I lost my son to suicide and I can tell you daily I wish he would have been h...

Thank you for your reply and i have been thinking a lot about talking to my Husband since we almost always together, however i am very sorry for your loss. I as well have you in my prayers.