Hi. I've been dealing with an array of mental/psychiatric problems for a number of years now. I'm only 18 and they started around the age of 11. I've seen a lot of mental health professionals but none I felt I could trust. The only appointment where I got anywhere was when I let my guard down and was having a bad day and described to my therapist how pointless my life was and how useless I was. How I couldn't picture myself having a future or doing anything with my life or going anyway. It was just nothing. And how I felt like God played some cosmic joke on me and only put me on this earth to watch me destroy myself. He suggested I may be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.
Ever since I was a young child, my parents were abusive. Physically and verbally. I recall some very ugly moments with my mom, and usually always my mother. But as for my childhood, I don't remember much. I was bullied really badly throughout elementary school for tensing up my hands into fists and grinding my jaw and spacing out for periods on end. Teachers even tried to convince me and my parents that I was autistic. I got picked on pretty badly. That's about it. It occurred to me, though, that what I use to do may have been a form of dissociation. I was apparently asked if I was aware I was doing it most of the time, and I said would answer no. I recall a few memories as a preteen (falling down on the playground and getting hurt badly) in third person. And I've developed a handful of imaginary friends over the years. I'm aware they are not real. But they feel very much to myself in times of need because they are the support system I've created for myself.
Around November of 2012, I don't really recall what I was doing (I have had hypothyroidism since I was 14-15ish and it affects the memory, too) but I was at my ex boyfriends house, and he was really nasty. But, I remember something he did reminded me of this very helpless, scared, unsettling feeling I got one time when I was around 10 years old and hanging out in my living room with my dad. I was resting my elbows on the arm rest of his arm and he turned to me and placed his hand on my cheek and said I was very beautiful. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. It wasn't a good feeling. It was alarming. Now, while I was 17, and being reminded of that, something I hadn't thought of in years, lead me to something else.
I was probably 10 at the time, still, and I was laying in bed. It sounds distasteful, but I have to be very honest, I was checking out my lady parts, as a young girl I was curious and often would get itchy down there (etc.) and I noticed my father was watching through the cracked door. I just sat there, I know I made eye contact with him, and then I think I pretended to sleep or something, and put a blanket over myself. A few months after that, around february 2013, I was with another boyfriend at the time and remembered a shadowy figure loom over someone. It was more like I was in third person. And recently in the past three weeks, I have felt very ill and my fiance told me it was probably best that I don't shower so I won't get colder. That triggered a memory while I showered that day and it envovled my dad, and a very sick younger me in my parents bathroom. It was like I was in some state of hypnosis and once I realized what my mind was playing across my eyelids I freaked out. There was some kind of shoving game happening. It wasn't that clear. And I don't really care, I didn't want it to be.
My mother has physical abused me for years, probably easing up when I reached age 11 or 12. Once I turned 14 though, she would beat me up quite frequently. I caused a bunch of issues within my family over the abuse, and even tried to get social workers involved, but much to my dismay, I was a 14 year old girl who was mentally unstable, they believed my parents. But that was not enough for my parents, they had to try and convince me, too. That it never happened. But, I wasn't a child anymore. I was an adolescent, not so easily manipulated. They couldn't tell me it didn't happen. I knew. So they tried persuading me into thinking I deserved it. And that worked. I never repressed any of my mom's physical abuse or verbal over the past five years. I remember it all clearly as if it were happening infront of me.
I started self harming at age 11, I think. And it has continued up until recently, developing into a more concerning problem than a few scratches. I have no self esteem, I do not think I am king of the world, I do not like I'm a great person, or that I'm worthy of love. I hate myself. I can't stand my reflection. I hate my body. I hate everything. I blame myself for everyone's problems, including my own, even though I try to be a problem solver and always look at myself first when things go wrong, even when things point away from me. I have gone through so many self metamorphosis, revelations and I've changed into so many f*cking people over the past five years that I don't even know who I am anymore.
I'm bipolar because of my thyroid disease, so I experienced delusional states and times of while I felt like I was living in a fog and people were moving around me and not even noticing me. But since I've been properly medicated for that I have been fine and all delusional thinking ended abruptly. But these memories that have resurfaced, I know they aren't dreams. I know they aren't a trick. I see them clearer than any memories I have of the past 3 hours. I would have nightmares so bad I would wake up screaming, and yelling 'don't touch me.' or 'go away.' in my sleep (I was hospitalize multiple times for suicide attempts and the nurses informed me of this and so does my fiance) sometimes I still wake up from these nightmares and I can physically feel pain from whatever touched me in my dream. (I smoke marijuana to help me sleep and eat so I don't usually remember my dreams/nightmares) I have all the repressed anger I didn't even know about and when I feel too overwhelmed or frightened it comes out in little spurts and I end up taking it out on the people I love. I end up pushing everyone away because I get into this mood where it literally feels like no one gives a shit about me, and that everyone around me is lying to me, they are only pretending to care about me for no good reason; simply because I am unworthy of love. I am worthless to myself. I would even test my fiance sometimes just to see if he actually does care. Of course, I've learned that that pushes people away quicker and I'm trying to feel apathy towards these moments of weakness.
I've lost my best friend and pretty much everyone because of these memories. I've been told I'm a liar, and that's I'm so crazy I literally convinced myself that it happened because I want sympathy. And that just strikes the match and ignites the flame inside me. And it hurts. I know I'm not crazy. And I know I'm not delusional. I am in fact very in tune with reality and have been reminded that I am very intelligent human being. I don't know, I was reading a few stories on this website and just had to get this off my chest. I was in tears because there are actually people out there who understand.
Ever since I was a young child, my parents were abusive. Physically and verbally. I recall some very ugly moments with my mom, and usually always my mother. But as for my childhood, I don't remember much. I was bullied really badly throughout elementary school for tensing up my hands into fists and grinding my jaw and spacing out for periods on end. Teachers even tried to convince me and my parents that I was autistic. I got picked on pretty badly. That's about it. It occurred to me, though, that what I use to do may have been a form of dissociation. I was apparently asked if I was aware I was doing it most of the time, and I said would answer no. I recall a few memories as a preteen (falling down on the playground and getting hurt badly) in third person. And I've developed a handful of imaginary friends over the years. I'm aware they are not real. But they feel very much to myself in times of need because they are the support system I've created for myself.
Around November of 2012, I don't really recall what I was doing (I have had hypothyroidism since I was 14-15ish and it affects the memory, too) but I was at my ex boyfriends house, and he was really nasty. But, I remember something he did reminded me of this very helpless, scared, unsettling feeling I got one time when I was around 10 years old and hanging out in my living room with my dad. I was resting my elbows on the arm rest of his arm and he turned to me and placed his hand on my cheek and said I was very beautiful. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. It wasn't a good feeling. It was alarming. Now, while I was 17, and being reminded of that, something I hadn't thought of in years, lead me to something else.
I was probably 10 at the time, still, and I was laying in bed. It sounds distasteful, but I have to be very honest, I was checking out my lady parts, as a young girl I was curious and often would get itchy down there (etc.) and I noticed my father was watching through the cracked door. I just sat there, I know I made eye contact with him, and then I think I pretended to sleep or something, and put a blanket over myself. A few months after that, around february 2013, I was with another boyfriend at the time and remembered a shadowy figure loom over someone. It was more like I was in third person. And recently in the past three weeks, I have felt very ill and my fiance told me it was probably best that I don't shower so I won't get colder. That triggered a memory while I showered that day and it envovled my dad, and a very sick younger me in my parents bathroom. It was like I was in some state of hypnosis and once I realized what my mind was playing across my eyelids I freaked out. There was some kind of shoving game happening. It wasn't that clear. And I don't really care, I didn't want it to be.
My mother has physical abused me for years, probably easing up when I reached age 11 or 12. Once I turned 14 though, she would beat me up quite frequently. I caused a bunch of issues within my family over the abuse, and even tried to get social workers involved, but much to my dismay, I was a 14 year old girl who was mentally unstable, they believed my parents. But that was not enough for my parents, they had to try and convince me, too. That it never happened. But, I wasn't a child anymore. I was an adolescent, not so easily manipulated. They couldn't tell me it didn't happen. I knew. So they tried persuading me into thinking I deserved it. And that worked. I never repressed any of my mom's physical abuse or verbal over the past five years. I remember it all clearly as if it were happening infront of me.
I started self harming at age 11, I think. And it has continued up until recently, developing into a more concerning problem than a few scratches. I have no self esteem, I do not think I am king of the world, I do not like I'm a great person, or that I'm worthy of love. I hate myself. I can't stand my reflection. I hate my body. I hate everything. I blame myself for everyone's problems, including my own, even though I try to be a problem solver and always look at myself first when things go wrong, even when things point away from me. I have gone through so many self metamorphosis, revelations and I've changed into so many f*cking people over the past five years that I don't even know who I am anymore.
I'm bipolar because of my thyroid disease, so I experienced delusional states and times of while I felt like I was living in a fog and people were moving around me and not even noticing me. But since I've been properly medicated for that I have been fine and all delusional thinking ended abruptly. But these memories that have resurfaced, I know they aren't dreams. I know they aren't a trick. I see them clearer than any memories I have of the past 3 hours. I would have nightmares so bad I would wake up screaming, and yelling 'don't touch me.' or 'go away.' in my sleep (I was hospitalize multiple times for suicide attempts and the nurses informed me of this and so does my fiance) sometimes I still wake up from these nightmares and I can physically feel pain from whatever touched me in my dream. (I smoke marijuana to help me sleep and eat so I don't usually remember my dreams/nightmares) I have all the repressed anger I didn't even know about and when I feel too overwhelmed or frightened it comes out in little spurts and I end up taking it out on the people I love. I end up pushing everyone away because I get into this mood where it literally feels like no one gives a shit about me, and that everyone around me is lying to me, they are only pretending to care about me for no good reason; simply because I am unworthy of love. I am worthless to myself. I would even test my fiance sometimes just to see if he actually does care. Of course, I've learned that that pushes people away quicker and I'm trying to feel apathy towards these moments of weakness.
I've lost my best friend and pretty much everyone because of these memories. I've been told I'm a liar, and that's I'm so crazy I literally convinced myself that it happened because I want sympathy. And that just strikes the match and ignites the flame inside me. And it hurts. I know I'm not crazy. And I know I'm not delusional. I am in fact very in tune with reality and have been reminded that I am very intelligent human being. I don't know, I was reading a few stories on this website and just had to get this off my chest. I was in tears because there are actually people out there who understand.
Last edited by a moderator:
