fierce_journey
New Here
I just discovered that this is what has been going on with me the last 20 yrs, 4 days ago. As far as I know I am still coherent. I have not had the opportunity through time to be able to discover that I was building a foundation to land on and it was called ptsd.
I am 37. The summation in a blur: age 3 - 14 molested, left home at 14, mother was an active user and alcoholic, where I was exposed to various elements building this ptsd. At age 15, I married a 36 yr old man that physically abused me. I left when I was 21, married again at twenty-one to a man who was 46. I add the ages because they did matter.
They mattered in this respect: barely with and understanding with being able to comprehend human bodily functions, such as walking, I was introduced into a world of what I would call "survival". I did not have a chance to understand through those storms, that each one built its own self destructive mechanism, within myself, to keep me going each day. That and the understanding of, nothing, void. No life principle, no morality, nothing. Just a flag waving in the ground getting beat on by the weathering elements until desintegration.
4 year ago I left the last husband. Wow, crash landing took two years to come out of that. Another year, of disorientation but pulling back together a bit.
The present. I crumbled through some inducement going on within the family unit, around Nov. 2011, couldn't get out of bed da da da.
To getting (this last two months) insomnia runs. I don't sleep for 4 or 5 days and I use this time like I am on an emergency. I am fighting for my life, mind you I haven't been but to one psychiatrist, that was 4 yrs ago. Beyond that, I didn't even have any idea I was walking around incognitive.
I search and research and pray I get something to hang on to. I actually see it. I was getting glimpses of something before. I knew they were important, the understanding that took my fiance two, three hours to get me to understand, but it was like a bolt of lightening. It was there and it was gone.
I created a place. A place where even i can't tell you the concordance to. I didn't have a choice. All that I understood was bodily harm.
I been cognitive place for 4 days now. I see the wear on my fiance. The ironic fortunate thing is that I am numb, because seeing what he has to bear is enough stress to induce me back to existance.
I have no idea how I found this site. But I am fighting for my life here. I have never been a soldier, but I am in a army. I hold myself accountable in all modes psyche somehow. I don't know what tomorrow will bring when I wake up, but I know I will wake up.
I am 37. The summation in a blur: age 3 - 14 molested, left home at 14, mother was an active user and alcoholic, where I was exposed to various elements building this ptsd. At age 15, I married a 36 yr old man that physically abused me. I left when I was 21, married again at twenty-one to a man who was 46. I add the ages because they did matter.
They mattered in this respect: barely with and understanding with being able to comprehend human bodily functions, such as walking, I was introduced into a world of what I would call "survival". I did not have a chance to understand through those storms, that each one built its own self destructive mechanism, within myself, to keep me going each day. That and the understanding of, nothing, void. No life principle, no morality, nothing. Just a flag waving in the ground getting beat on by the weathering elements until desintegration.
4 year ago I left the last husband. Wow, crash landing took two years to come out of that. Another year, of disorientation but pulling back together a bit.
The present. I crumbled through some inducement going on within the family unit, around Nov. 2011, couldn't get out of bed da da da.
To getting (this last two months) insomnia runs. I don't sleep for 4 or 5 days and I use this time like I am on an emergency. I am fighting for my life, mind you I haven't been but to one psychiatrist, that was 4 yrs ago. Beyond that, I didn't even have any idea I was walking around incognitive.
I search and research and pray I get something to hang on to. I actually see it. I was getting glimpses of something before. I knew they were important, the understanding that took my fiance two, three hours to get me to understand, but it was like a bolt of lightening. It was there and it was gone.
I created a place. A place where even i can't tell you the concordance to. I didn't have a choice. All that I understood was bodily harm.
I been cognitive place for 4 days now. I see the wear on my fiance. The ironic fortunate thing is that I am numb, because seeing what he has to bear is enough stress to induce me back to existance.
I have no idea how I found this site. But I am fighting for my life here. I have never been a soldier, but I am in a army. I hold myself accountable in all modes psyche somehow. I don't know what tomorrow will bring when I wake up, but I know I will wake up.
