General I Know I Am Doing It All Wrong..but..help

[mummer1962]

So i had to take my daughter's father to court for child support. He suffers from PTSD. We no longer have any contact because he hates me...I get it. However, he is constantly asking my daughter to not tell me anything that he is saying to her to upset her. He also lies about me having to take him to court. Help.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Hi!
Divorce is SO hard on kids! My ex was a liar. You don't say how old your daughter is, but it's best she NOT tell you anything about him, AND the other way around. Even if he talks about you, and lies about you, you know the truth, and she will have to find out for herself he is a liar. If your behaviour and words are respectful, he'll make an a$$ out of himself soon enough.

The kids feel SO torn when they have to 'choose' in any way, it isn't fair. It will be hard, but if you are honest, and refuse to listen to anything about him, or contribute to the drama, your daughter will see, on her own, the truth. You won't be able to hide it from her. She may need therapy if she continues to be in the middle. If you refuse to argue, there can't be an argument.

Not trying to tell you what to do. I have 30 year old son, that only knows his parents as divorced. That makes me sorry, but to have stayed married to his father, would have meant a life of yelling and drama! More than there was already.

Good luck, and try not to react when you want to SO bad!!

 

[IvyMillie]

Angelkeeper had really good advice. My parents were divorced back in the oldie days. They actually never said anything negative about each other. I think it really helped us kids to not get involved in any drama. We also didn't have any preconceived negative emotions from them, or any bias.

When we were older we learned that there had been some negative feelings, but even then they always remained very respectful of each other. It added to alot more peace in our house which was a good thing. Divorce is really hard on the kids and they will have enough issues from that alone.

However, I think it really is hard in your situation. Sometimes people know how to push buttons and it's so hard not to add fuel to the fire. It will take lots of effort on your part--but it will be really worth it for your kids' sake.

 

[May1321]

However, he is constantly asking my daughter to not tell me anything that he is saying to her to upset her.

Though I agree with everyone above and that you just need to be the bigger person and keep your daughter out of the middle of any of your hurt or animosity...

Something you said jumped out that is concerning... Is he saying stuff to her that upsets her? Stuff that has nothing to do with you but attacks on her; or is it the things he says about you that upset her?

Maybe it is just the way you wrote it, and I'm interpreting it differently.